The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.27.97

The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.27.97

Continuing on with my project to catch up with the missing RAW rants. It’s been pointed out to me that I did these as a part of the Monday Night Wars rants from WWE 24/7, but I would like to point out that I hate those rants and would rather never post them again if I can help it. So they all get a fresh version. I think I just have next week’s Skydome travesty left and then I’m all caught up again.

Taped from Beaumont, TX

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler. I can only assume Jim Ross is busy getting freaky with Missy Hyatt and was unable to attend this show.

Ahmed Johnson v. Crush

So in the MSG show after last week’s live RAW, Savio Vega turned on Ahmed to join the Nation of Domination. Crush attacks to start but gets powerslammed as Vince notes that no one man could handle Ahmed Johnson. Much like no one man could handle Missy Hyatt, except Jim Ross apparently. Look, I’m having trouble coming to terms with that story and I’m gonna share my pain with you, so deal with it. Ahmed punches Crush RIGHT IN THE BOOB, but misses an elbowdrop and Crush makes the comeback. Belly to belly for two as I wonder if Donald Trump with end up with dreads and a facial tattoo like Crush after he gets sentenced to prison in July. He can funnel his donations into his commissary account and buy some honey buns to trade for smokes. Crush with a chinlock as Faarooq is shown cheering for Crush off in the background and we take a break. Back with Ahmed powering out of that predicament, but Crush goes to the middle rope and lands in a dropkick from Ahmed. Ahmed clotheslines him to the floor and goes out to beat on him, but Faarooq attacks from behind and tosses Ahmed back in, leading to the TITTY PUNCH from Crush to finish at 8:49. This was pretty awful. ½*

Shawn Michaels joins us to start, no doubt on his way to a long and prosperous second reign as WWF champion at this point. Vince McMahon points out that Shawn has to defend against Sid in the rematch at Thursday RAW Thursday. Fun fact: TSN showed it a day later, so they renamed it “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” because it aired on Feb 14 up here. Shawn talks about everyone having ATTITUDES and his own bad ATTITUDE, and he notes that some days he wakes up in a good mood and some days he wakes up in a bad mood. Yes, that’s what doing a lot of drugs does to you, generally. So then Vince brings out Bret Hart to stir things up, and he of course claims he was screwed. So then Undertaker comes out and complains that he got screwed out of the Royal Rumble last year, and he would also like Shawn’s WWF title. Next up, Steve Austin joins us, and he brings Jim Ross with him to hold his microphone. Must be done rocking Missy’s world. Steve calls them “three crying little babies and Little Boy Blue” and points out that he threw all of them out of the ring in the Rumble fair and square, and then decides to whip them all right now. But then he changes his mind and lips off to Vader on the way back instead.

Apparently Western Union is the fastest way to send money worldwide! Haven’t any of these people heard of Paypal?

British Bulldog v. Doug Furnas

Owen points out that he’s got the tag team title and the Slammy, and there’s more gold to come. And he was right! Furnas chases Davey out of the ring to start and follows with a corner clothesline in the ring for two. Suplex gets two. They head to the floor and Bulldog drops the stairs on him as we take a break. Back with Ahmed storming the Nation dressing room unsuccessfully while Bulldog goes to a chinlock. They slug it out and Bulldog puts him down with a clothesline to win that. I was kind of saddened because I went to look up what Furnas was up to these days, and it turns out that he died in 2012. Man, wrestling just hurts sometimes. Furnas comes back with a suplex, but gets caught in a powerslam by Bulldog for two. Owen and LaFon get involved, but Bulldog gets run into the Slammy by mistake and Furnas rolls him up for two, but then he tries a sunset flip and Bulldog does the Bret Hart counter and pins him at 10:40. Decent but somewhat lethargic TV match. **1/2. Unfortunately this leads to more tension between Owen and Bulldog, continuing their breakup storyline that thankfully never paid off.

Meanwhile, in MSG, we get footage of Savio turning on Ahmed Johnson, and then on Shotgun, Savio claims he just had a really bad day and took it out on Ahmed. And then he went out and turned on young Rocky Maivia to officially join the Nation.

Vader & Mankind v. The Godwinns

Jerry gets the inside rib by claiming that Vader washes his tights in the Godwinns slop bucket. Meanwhile Vince hypes next week’s “Royal Rumble RAW” where he claims that the Rumble will be shown for the first time on network TV since 1989. I think he meant 1988 but regardless it still turned out to be a blatant lie. Mankind gets double-teamed and slammed by the HOG while Lawler plays “What’s in the news this week” to show how LIVE and NOT TAPED this show is. The heels regroup and Vader beats the crap out of PIG in the corner and Mankind comes in with the mandible claw. Henry saves by clotheslining them both to the floor. Back in, Phineas tries to suplex Mankind back into the ring, but Vader pulls him out and everyone brawls on the floor as we take a break. Back with Mankind missing a blind charge and hitting the post, and PIG makes the hot tag to HOG. He slams Vader pretty easily and then hits a back suplex, but Vader clubbers him to the floor again. Mankind comes charging with a chair and hits Vader by mistake, and they’re counted out at 10:35. An OK match with a dead crowd. **

And finally, Ahmed finds the Nation in the parking lot and attacks, as they drive off.

Next week: IT’S ROYAL RUMBLE RAW! We’re absolutely positively not lying about showing the match, we guarantee! (*)

(*) Not a guarantee

Kind of a dull followup after last week’s insane hour of TV.