The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.13.97

The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.13.97

Well poor Nitro gets left behind again for a while but it’s their own fault for being 2 hours instead of 1 hour. Always leave ‘em wanting more, I say.

Taped from Albany, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Honky Tonk Man

Hunter Hearst Helmsley & Jerry Lawler v. Goldust & Marc Mero

This is certainly a weird combination. They all brawl to start and the heels get chased out of the ring. Back in, Mero with the BAAAAAAACK body drop on Lawler, so Jerry slows it down and does his schtick for a while. Mero slugs away on him, which allows Vince the chance to seamlessly plug the upcoming Leonard v. Camacho boxing deal that he was promoting in March. My god, that segue was so smooth and sexy that you’d think they were sponsored by Gillette razors. They’re the best a man can get! Over to Hunter and he also falls victim to a BAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP from Mero as this match is going nowhere and the announcers play “What’s in the news today?” to show how the episode was absolutely NOT taped three weeks prior. Hunter bails from Goldust’s attack and it’s back to Mero working a headlock on Lawler while Honky continues to put over his quest to find the next protégé. God can you imagine if Disco Inferno really did end up with that gig? Probably would have ended the Monday Night Wars right then and given the win to WCW as a result. Goldust makes a comeback on Lawler and Hunter walks away from a tag as this drags on and we take a break. Back with Hunter beating on Mero in the corner, but Mero comes back with a headscissors, which I guess the kids call a casadora these days, and it’s hot tag Goldust. He chokes Hunter in the ropes and the ref COUNTS TO FIVE and calls for the bell at 14:34. WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP? ½*.

Meanwhile, Sid is hanging out in the empty Alamodome. Or maybe it’s just an AEW Collision taping. HIGH FIVE! Anyone? Anyway, he quotes German philosophers and promises that 70,000 “Mexicans from Mexico” will be there and will see that Sid is the man and master of the world. That’s a lot of Mexicans. Huge if true.

Meanwhile, Shawn is somewhere in San Antonio, and Sid will end up with teeth in his stool sample. Wait, why is Sid giving a stool sample the day after the show? Is he getting tested for some kind of intestinal parasite? I haven’t had an intenstinal parasite before but I have to imagine it’s slightly more enjoyable than this particular episode thus far.

The British Bulldog v. Rocky Maivia

Bulldog works the arm while bitter Bret joins us on commentary and puts over this Rocky kid as a future great. I’ll believe that when I see it. Rocky works the arm with his patented armdrags while Honky teases that BRET HART might be his new protégé. He does have the greasy hair to pull it off, and he’s an experienced entertainer. Could be a possibility! Bulldog bails and yells at some ringside fans, but Rocky works the arm again to retain control while Owen joins us at ringside and Bret admits that things have been better between them and hopefully Owen leaves it alone. So of course Owen plants his Slammy right in front of Bret and stands guard to troll his loving brother. We take a break and return with Rocky getting a sunset flip for two, but Bulldog clotheslines him to take over again. Bulldog with a chinlock that goes on FOREVER and I’m convinced that Owen’s whole goal is to get Bret to crack before the match ends and I wouldn’t bet against him. Rocky makes his 70s comeback and flails his arms excitedly before taking Bulldog to the floor with a clothesline. And that allows Steve Austin a chance to run out and clip Bulldog from behind before disappearing again and leading Bret in a chase. And Rocky beats the count for the win at 12:12. Good god this show is terrible. Intestinal parasite still winning the battle. ½*.

The Undertaker v. Crush

Undertaker has to fight off the entire Nation and Vince notes that Crush “hates to be called jailbird”. Honky rightly points out that no one would want to be called jailbird. Taker gets a slam on Crush and clotheslines him out of the corner, but he goes old school and Faarooq yanks him down onto the top rope. And then Crush necks him on the top rope to take over while the very hip Honky Tonk Man discusses the issue of ebonics in the California school system. THIS SHOW IS SO BAD. Crush with a piledriver and Vader comes out to watch as we take a break. Who in their right mind would WANT to come out and watch this match? Back with Crush throwing punches in the corner for two. We go to the chinlock, but Crush goes and punches the mat by mistake. Hopefully it wasn’t a heart punch or he might have broken the ring. So Crush sets up Taker for the real thing, but ol’ Mean Mark knows how to counter a heart punch and chokeslams him, and then all the guys run in for the DQ at 12:15. Well I was hoping for a finish in one of the matches tonight because ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN in the WWF. But not that. DUD

Yeah I’ll take the intestinal parasite, thanks.