The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.06.97

The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.06.97

OK, so it turns out that my gap in the Monday Night reviews extends from this show until Thursday RAW Thursday, and I need to redo everything from January as a result. So here’s a brand new Christmas Day rant for the first RAW of 1997!

Taped from Albany, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Owen Hart v. Mankind

Vince calls this a “tough guy” matchup, although Vince notes that Owen is able to “mix it up in any fashion”. Owen takes him down and goes for the Sharpshooter right away, but Mankind makes the ropes and slugs away in the corner. He gets a running knee and tears at Owen’s face while Vince spreads bullshit rumors about a rift forming between Owen and Bulldog in advance of the Royal Rumble. Also, he’s already calling the main event of the show a donnybrook despite not seeing it yet. That’s just irresponsible journalism. Mankind takes Owen to the floor with a Cactus clothesline, but Owen hits him in the ribs with the Slammy and suplexes him onto the railing before whipping him with the tag title. Back in the ring, Owen beats on him with a headbutt to the gut while Lawler makes casual racist jokes about Jose Lothario, and Owen gets a leg lariat. Owen with the abdominal stretch and then an Owenzuigiri to put Mankind on the floor, but Mankind runs him into the railing and hits him with a drink tray. We take a break and learn that Full Metal the Album is available at K-Mart, whatever that is, and return with Mankind hitting a neckbreaker back in the ring. Another one is reversed into a DDT by Owen, but he goes up and lands in the Mandible Claw. Owen breaks free with another enzuigiri, but Mankind spikes him with a piledriver for the pin at 9:22. They had quite the match for nothing taped RAW! ***1/4.

Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels and Jose Lothario introduce us to Jose’s son Pete, who promises to protect his father from Sid because you don’t mess with Texas.

Meanwhile, it’s the disastrous debut of Shotgun Saturday Night, complete with the Headbangers debuting as the Flying Nuns, getting dubbed the Sisters of Love by Brother Love, and then disappearing forever after that one match.

Big Daddy Dentist Diesel & The Bad Gimmick Razor Ramon v. Doug Furnas & Phil Lafon

Vince promises that Furnas & Lafon will be facing the Sisters of Love on the second episode of Shotgun Saturday Night, but I don’t believe that happened. Razor gets a fallaway slam on Lafon, but Phil fires back with chops in the corner and takes him down with a crucifix for two. Over to Furnas, who works a headlock on “Razor”, but Ramon slugs him down. Furnas with a belly to belly, but “Diesel” comes in and beats on him with clubbing forearms in the corner. Over to Razor with a pump handle slam and we take a break as OH MY GOD THIS MATCH IS STILL GOING. Back with Diesel cutting off a tag and hitting an Emerald City Slam for two. Furnas gets double-teamed in the corner and Diesel slugs him down, but misses a legdrop like this gimmick missed the point, and Furnas finally makes the hot tag to Lafon. He runs wild for a bit and gets a sunset flip on Diesel for two. Razor comes in and tries the Faker’s Edge, but Lafon suplexes out of it and Furnas gets a rana for two. And they finish Razor with a Doomsday clothesline into a jackknife pin at 12:01. Good god what a boring tag match. Rick Bogner was barely able to string together a normal match. *

Meanwhile, on Shotgun again, Marlena flashes the Sultan to help out Goldust. That nightclub looked emptier than the hard cam side of a Dynamite taping.

Sid joins us in advance of the Royal Rumble, and he’s not intimidated by NUTHIN’. And when he was born, he was born the man. That must have hurt his poor mother.

Bret Hart v. The Man They Call Vader

Shawn Michaels joins us on commentary, but Sid hasn’t finished his promo yet and wants to apologize for what he’s going to do. Shawn notes that when he left after Survivor Series, he was happy and thus lost his edge, but now he’s cranky and has it back. Speaking of which, he notes that Vader hits so hard that you wake up and your clothes are out of style. “Of course, if you’re Bret Hart, that won’t matter.” Also he wants to know who is the “They” in the Man They Call Vader. “Well of course it’s referring to Them” notes Vince. Well that clears it right up. Bret and Vader fight on the floor and Bret goes after the arm in the ring while Shawn has decided to cheat from now on in order to get ahead. Vader beats him down and goes up with a splash while we learn that Steve Austin is watching from backstage and we take a break so we can all process this. I’ll give you a minute.

OK we’re back. Vader goes up again with another splash, and that gets two. Back up for a pump splash, but then he changes his mind and tries for a moonsault instead, before changing it a third time and going back to the pump splash. But this allows Bret to get the knees up and he makes the comeback. Shawn riffs on Bret doing the same comeback every time, really bringing the snark, and the middle rope elbow gets two. Bret tries a bodypress and Vader catches him, but they both tumble to the floor and slug it out down there. So this brings out Mr. Vicious, who grabs the cameraman and takes him to the back while Steve Austin hits Bret with a stunner on the floor. Back in the ring, Vader hits the pump splash this time, and that finishes at 10:34. ***1/2

Meanwhile, in the dressing room, Sid has the cameraman document his powerbomb of Pete Lothario, which fails to break the table, and Shawn leaves the commentary desk to make the save as we end the show.

Kind of a weird time because the branding and intro were still 1996 RAW but the change in presentation and (dare I say) attitude of the show were rapidly shifting. I hated the fake Razor & Diesel match but the rest of the show was pretty damn entertaining.