The SmarK Rant for WWF March to Wrestlemania VIII – 03.29.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF March to Wrestlemania VIII – 03.29.92

“A Tribute to Hulk Hogan”

Well, goodie.

Another show I never knew about because we didn’t have the USA Network in Canada.

Hosted by Vince McMahon

Vince is immediately all over Hulk’s orange knob, declaring that saying your prayers and eating your Hulk Hogan branded vitamins is the VERY CREDO of American values. But are we gonna hear from Hulk Hogan at some point?

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Andre the Giant

Well obviously we’ve all seen this one before. Commentary is redone with Gorilla and Bobby so we can erase Jesse Ventura as usual. This was a segment that could have been a Hulk Hogan interview so we could hear about his retirement.

Back at the studio, Vince notes that Hulk has to face someone even more menacing than Andre the Giant, as though that’s possible, in the form of Sid Justice. So we take you back to Summerslam 91, as Hulk thinks “he’s made a new friend, only to find out that he would become a nemesis”. Yeah because THAT’S never happened to him before. Hulk should have his own AITA subreddit and the answer for every question would be FUCK YES. Maybe they should have an interview with Hogan here and ask him.

Gorilla, unreliable narrator, declares that Sid “went into seclusion with a supposed arm injury” after Summerslam 91, and then returned at the Royal Rumble to “sneak up on Hogan” and screw him out of the title. Did Hogan write the script for him to read there? Maybe we should interview him and ask him that question as well.

Next up, we go back to the Wrestlemania press conference, where Hogan screws Sid out of the title shot, which Sid declares to be BOGUS. THE MOST BOGUS ACT JACK TUNNEY EVER PULLED OFF. That covers a lot of bogus ground considering how senile and corrupt Jack Tunney was. Safe to say, no President in history will ever be as senile and corrupt as Jack Tunney! Yup. Also you’ll note that we didn’t hear from Hulk Hogan here, even though that’s literally the only reason I wanted to watch this Tribute to Hulk Hogan show.

Back to SNME, as Hogan again thinks he’s found a friend, but Sid walks away from him and lets him finish his own battle for once.

At the Barber Shop, Sid does us all a favor and smashes the shit out of the set, chasing Beefcake off for another year.

On Superstars, Sid smashes Virgil and BREAKS HIS FACE. How can he eat breadsticks now? He’ll have to get the soup instead.

At MSG, Sid squashes Hercules in 10 seconds with a powerbomb, which Herc no-sells on the way down and then walks out of the promotion.

Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Shawn Michaels

Hey, there’s actually a new match on this show! This is a non-title match because obviously Shawn Michaels hasn’t earned a title shot yet. Maybe if he beats El Matador at Wrestlemania and wins a couple of battle royales and four-way matches he’ll be in the conversation for one! We get some stalling and they slug it out as Gorilla declares “Come on, ring the bell!” two minutes after the bell in fact already rung. Shawn with a cradle for two, but Piper catapults him into the corner for two and kisses Sherri as we take a break. See, back in the 80s, it was OK to force a kiss on a woman because we didn’t know better. We take a break and return with Shawn sending Piper to the floor and following with a double axehandle to the floor. Back in the ring, Shawn goes to work on him and slugs him down for two before going to a chinlock. Piper fights out and Shawn superkicks him for two, but Piper makes the comeback and drops Shawn on the turnbuckle in the corner before crotching him and abusing his special man place. Shawn goes flying into another corner and bumps off the top turnbuckle, but the ref is bumped and it’s a double down. So Sherri takes off her boot and Shawn waffles Piper with that, but then Bret Hart sticks his nose into Shawn’s business as usual and throws the boot to Piper, resulting in a DQ at 10:10 as the ref wakes up. This was actually a hell of a match for a random TV taping. ***1/2. Shawn clearly “understood the assignment” early on in his singles career, as the kids say. Not sure why we need matches on this show when we could be hearing from Hulk Hogan.

Back to Vince in his creepy Hulk Hogan tribute museum, as we shift gears to actually talk about someone other than Hulk for once. Yes, it’s time for RIC FLAIR, stripping Liz of her dignity! WE WANT HULK, DAMMIT!

Back to Superstars in February, as Ric unveils the famous photo of himself at the pool, with matching “R and L” towels, which can only mean “Ric and Liz”! My favorite photo remains the horse one, because Ric looks like Simple Jack but Liz still loves him regardless.

Ric Flair v. Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell

Another non-title match, sadly, because I was hoping that Jumpin Jim would get at least one WWF title match in his career so we could have a near-fall where he hits the dropkick but doesn’t quite win the title. Jim’s got his tye-dye trunks so you know we’re in for a corker. Jim takes him down with a headlock, but Ric takes him to the corner and beats him down before hitting him with a back suplex. Kneedrop gets two and Ric follows with an atomic drop as I’m starting to think we’re not getting the competitive match I was hoping for. Jim actually does fight back and backdrops Ric out of the corner and then HITS THE DROPKICK! HOLY SHIT! IT’S HAPPENING! No, it’s only gets two, never mind. And then Ric shatters my dreams with the kneecrusher and puts him away with the figure-four at 3:30, which probably wrecks Brunzell’s dropkick for the rest of his career. Shit. I’d rather hear from Hulk Hogan before his retirement match, if we’re being honest.

Meanwhile, at the MACHO MANSION, Vince McMahon sits down with Elizabeth to discuss how the WWF-sponsored media has been slandering her and Randy with unproven allegations. Good thing she didn’t live long enough to be on Twitter then. Vince worries that she’ll be scarred for life. Me too. But if Randy wins the title I bet it’ll be all forgotten. Much like they seem to have forgotten to interview Hulk Hogan on his own tribute show.

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Ultimate Warrior

Another one we’ve seen enough. But hey, it’s here with new Gorilla and Bobby commentary if you want that. But wait…why you would be highlighting the Ultimate Warrior getting his biggest career win the week before Wrestlemania VIII? That’s WEIRD. Also hilarious is Gorilla talking about WM8 here and how you have to see it on PPV because the entire stadium is sold out and there’s no tickets even available. That would be a lie. Much like they lied about this being a Hulk Hogan tribute show when they’re not even interviewing him. LET THE MAN SPEAK!

Back at the studio, Vince declares that the POWER OF HULKAMANIA has grown stronger and stronger since he lost to the Warrior, with each passing day! Well his drawing power sure didn’t. So we hear from Sid Justice, who feels sorry for Hogan because Hulk is facing a fuel-injected suicide machine, which certainly sounds problematic. We could hear from Hogan to see what he thinks about that, but we choose not to for some reason.

Back to the SNME show, as Undertaker prevents Jake Roberts from attacking Elizabeth, and then on the Funeral Parlor we clarify that Undertaker is not on Jake’s side. So we get an awesome beatdown with Jake locking Taker’s hand in the casket and destroying him with a chair, but Undertaker keeps getting up and Jake slowly realizes he’s fucked up worse than any drug relapse. Man it’s too bad that their blowoff was so disappointing because this should have been EPIC when it happened at Wrestlemania.

Jake Roberts v. Jim Powers

Much like Hulkamania, Powers has also been growing stronger and stronger since 1990! Except in this case it’s due to steroids. Actually I guess that’s also like Hulkamania. So never mind. Powers with a headlock and Jake tries to suplex out, but Jim’s drug-enhanced arms are too big, so Jake tosses him over the top rope and Jim probably ruptures a calf muscle on the way down. Back in the ring, Jake slugs away, but Powers fights back in a fit of roid rage until Jake puts him down with the short clothesline and finishes him off with the DDT at 3:10. That’s three minutes that could have been dedicated to listening to Hulk Hogan speak!

The Natural Disasters v. Barry Horowitz & Kato

Gorilla at this point concedes that “there’s a few good seats” left in the Hoosierdome, but really you need to order on PPV. So did they open up new sections between the Warrior match and here? Quake blocks a bodypress from Kato and slams him, and it’s over to Barry. Quake hits him with an atomic drop and big boot before dropping the butt splash on him to finish at 1:55.

And then, finally, HULK HOGAN SPEAKS! Psyche, I don’t give a shit. Fuck off, you orange gaslighting son of a bitch. And take Beefcake with you.

Well this was certainly two hours of something.