The SmarK Rant for WWF Madison Square Garden – 04.30.90

Taped from New York.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes.

Hercules v. Haku

Herc works a headlock to start after refusing Haku’s offer of a handshake, and a bodypress gets two. Hiptoss follows and Haku bails. Back in and Herc works on the arm until Haku gives him a cheapshot to take over. And we get some choking before Haku gets s shoulderbreaker for two. They slug it out and Haku misses a splash, allowing Herc to make the comeback. They fight to the floor and Haku hits the post, and back in Hercules tries a sunset flip, but Haku sits on him for two. Herc reverses for the pin at 11:25. Major yawn. *

Jim Powers v. Paul Diamond (!)

Whoa, I didn’t know Diamond ever wrestled in the WWF under his own name. Diamond gets all in Powers’ face and runs away to the corner, then attacks and grabs a headlock. Powers slams out of it and hits his dropkick, sending Diamond to the floor. Back in, Powers gets a suplex for two and goes to an armbar. And that goes on for a while, until Diamond whips him into the corner to break. He stops to strut, however, and Powers clotheslines him for two. Diamond tosses him while Bobby Heenan joins us on commentary to liven things up. Back in, Diamond with a shoulderblock for two and some WEAK-ASS shots, and they criss-cross into a Powers atomic drop and clothesline. Another atomic drop and Powers backdrops him out of the corner and follows with the dropkick for two. Powers goes to finish with the powerslam, but Diamond rolls through for the pin at 9:52. Pretty slick finish. Nothing as a match. *1/2

Speaking of nothing, Rhythm & Blues join us to sing “Hunka Honky Love” and that’s the whole segment.

Bad News Brown v. Jake Roberts

Lockup to start and Jake moves him towards the snake corner, which freaks Brown out. Jake applies an armbar and keeps steering him back there, throwing Brown off his game. I have been told by those who would know that Brown’s fear of snakes is somehow racist, which doesn’t really make sense to me. But then I missed a lot of the jokes in Undercover Brother too so I’m not an expert. Jake tries for a quick DDT, but Brown bails and bitches at the ringside fans. Back in, Jake to the arm again, but Bad News hiptosses out of it, only to miss a headbutt. Jake slithers in for the DDT again, but Brown counters out and bails. They brawl on the floor and Bad News sucker-punches Jake on the way back in, to take over. Brown whips him into the corner and faceplants him, then headbutts him to the floor. Brown tries to whack Damian with a chair, but Jake steals it and makes the comeback. Back in, short-arm clothesline sets up the DDT, but Bad News grabs the top rope. GHETTO BLASTER~!, but Jake bumps to the floor. So with Jake taken care of, Brown shoves the snake under the ring. Back in, Brown lays the badmouth on Jake and picks him up to finish him, but Jake collapses during an irish whip and can’t even run the ropes. Brown is so disgusted that he stops to cut a promo about how pathetic Jake is and how he’s gonna beat his ass as punishment for sucking so bad. And of course, he picks up Jake and eats a DDT as a result. And it’s over at 12:53. Another good finish. **3/4

Nikolai Volkoff v. Jose Luis Rivera

Rivera tries attacking with the Russian flag, and that actually allows him to get an atomic drop and work on the leg. Volkoff rakes the eyes and pounds away to take over. Spinkick and an inverted atomic drop follow, but Rivera gets a sunset flip for two. They slug it out in awful manner and Volkoff wins that battle, then Rivera misses a blind charge and Volkoff finishes with the Russian Sickle at 5:14. I’m shocked to hear Gorilla actually call it that. Amazingly awful. -**

The Bushwhackers v. Rhythm & Blues

Bobby gets a great zing when Gorilla asks if the Bushwhackers are twins: “Even if they were twins, Luke is so dumb that he wouldn’t know his brother’s birthday.” Luke tries working the arm of Honky, but he quickly gets caught in the heel corner and double-teamed. Butch comes in after some well-timed biting and MESSES UP THE HAIR. Honky has so little going for him, why would you go after the hair? Valentine comes in and the fans chant “Greaseball” at him, so the heels threaten to leave. No. Please. Stay. And we continue, as Hammer elbows Luke down, but gets bit and eye-gouged. The Wackers give Hammer a double atomic drop and Butch gets two. The heels take over after a cheapshot and Honky pounds away on Butch, but he collides with Valentine on a criss-cross. Luke comes in, but Hammer clotheslines him right away and Honky gets two. We get the standard double-teaming in the corner and Hammer drops a pair of elbows for two. R&B have some miscommunication and it’s hot tag Butch, and we’re BONZO GONZO. Rhythm collides with Blues and Luke chases Honky back to the dressing room and it’s a countout victory for the heels at 12:00. That’s a LONG time for a comedy match. *

Intermission time, as Ted Dibiase talks smack about Big Bossman. If you can’t get the job done, stay out of the kitchen! Well, he’s rich, he can buy a wittier line.

Red Rooster v. Dino Bravo

Bravo slugs away, but Rooster gets a crossbody for two and takes him down with a drop toehold. He works the arm and gets a backslide for two, but Bravo slugs him down and drops an elbow for two. Bravo whips him into the corner for two, but Rooster comes back with a jawbreaker and the five-arm for two. Bravo finishes with the side slam at 4:44, however. Pretty much a squash. 3/4*

Big Bossman v. Ted Dibiase

Bossman wards off an attack and runs Dibiase into the turnbuckles to start, then slugs away and follows with an atomic drop. Dibiase bails and Bossman follows to beat on him some more, choking him out with the microphone cord. And Dibiase eats the post for good measure. Back in, Bossman goes up with a flying splash, but it misses and Dibiase goes to work on the injured ribs. Dibiase tosses him so that Virgil can get his shots in. Back in, Dibiase gets a clothesline for two. And he goes to a bearhug of all things. Axehandle off the middle rope gets two. Another one is stopped by the Bossman and he slugs Dibiase down, then takes Virgil out as well. He really goes to town on Virgil and beats on him for an extended amount of time, allowing Dibiase to sneak up and apply the Million Dollar Dream. Bossman makes the ropes and finishes with a small package at 11:15. Huh. Really good, as Bossman was starting to hit his stride as a worker and was more than able to hang with Dibiase. ***

The Barbarian v. Jimmy Snuka

Barbarian overpowers Snuka to start, but Snuka fires back with chops and a headbutt to put Barbarian on the floor. Back in, Barbarian blocks a hiptoss and clotheslines him instead, then dumps Snuka for an awkward bump. Back in, Barbarian hits him with a kneelift and stomps away. Backdrop and bearhug follow. Snuka slugs out of it and splashes him for two, and a bodypress is rolled through by Barbarian for two. Pin in the corner finishes at 6:40. Pretty lame. 1/2*

Hulk Hogan v. Earthquake

Quake attacks and pounds Hulk down to start, but Hulk pops up and slugs away, following with a corner clothesline and Axe Bomber. Quake won’t go down, so Hogan goes after Jimmy Hart instead and gets run into the post as a result. Back in, Quake powerslams him and drops an elbow for two. He tosses Hulk around, but Hulk comes back and slugs him in the corner, calling for a slam. He almost gets it, but Quake falls on top for two. And we got to the move of the night, the bearhug. He wears Hogan down with it and hits the butt-splash to presumably finish, but it’s Hulk Up time. Big boot and legdrop draws Jimmy in for the DQ at 8:41. Hulk gets his slam afterwards for the hell of it. Usual Hogan match. **

The Bottom Line: Not that exciting, but a couple of good matches and a fun main event make this worth watching for those of you who still get this awesome channel.