The SmarK Rant for WWF In Your House International Incident – 07.21.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF In Your House – International Incident (07.21.96)

My first review of this one was sometime around 2001 so it’s due.

Live from Vancouver, BC, drawing a pretty staggering 14804 but a really bad 0.37 buyrate. Also the Canadian dollar was in the toilet so they probably didn’t even break even on the gate.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross

Earlier on the pre-show: Bradshaw has a match with Savio to actually pay off their mini-feud from Superstars! And Jim Cornette gets into a brawl with Jose Lothario.

The Smoking Gunns v. The Bodydonnas

The Gunns are the tag champs but this is non-title for reasons I’m having trouble figuring out. Also this is the hard reset on the Cloudy nonsense, as the Bodydonnas write her out of the story in their prematch promo, saying that they don’t actually need a manager after all. And then “she” was never mentioned again, thankfully. Although I bet Sunny is currently in a loving prison relationship with someone who looks a lot like Cloudy. Candido literally slapping hands with the front row on the way to the ring is about as awkward as humanly possible. This was a man who was born to be a heel. We get some stalling and bullshit to start, and Bart beats on Zip with chops and they trade armdrags. Meanwhile the announcers bring up the very sore spot of the Vancouver Grizzlies, who were still a thing at this point, and we get to hear the Vancouver Canucks mentioned on a WWF telecast for the one and only time I can remember. The Gunns double-team Skip while Vince announces that Jake Roberts will be replaced by HOG tonight. Skip takes Billy down with a headscissors, but puts his head down and Billy hits him with a fameasser. Billy misses an inexplicable blind charge and Skip goes to the arm while Vince makes the bizarre claim that “the Godwinns are every bit as quick as the Bodydonnas” and JR incredulously asks him if he meant the Gunns. But no, he meant the Godwinns apparently. Sunny fakes an injury on the floor, perhaps preparing for a prison break sometime in the future, and the Bodydonnas are so stupid that they go to help and get jumped as a result. That’s probably her plan now, except she’ll pretend to be sick while her cellmate hides the toilet wine from the guards. Back in the ring, Skip goes up and Bart catches him with a powerslam, drawing a babyface pop for the supposed heel champions, and they go back to double-teaming Skip again and then screw up the leapfrog choke move on the ropes. Oh this match is going well I see. UPDATE: Sunny’s toilet wine subterfuge was not successful and now she’s lost her ramen noodle and honey bun privileges for the week. More boring double-teams in the Gunn corner. I have a free crossover idea for AEW, by the way: As a part of their DC Comics deal with WBD, they should bring in James Gunn to team with Billy and promote the new Superman movie. Billy goes up and misses a flying nothing on Skip, hurting his crotchal region in the process, and it’s “hot” tag Zip, about as threatening as a Canucks power play in 1996. Sunny trips him up right away and the Guns set up for the Sidewinder, but Skip dropkicks them over and Zip ends up on top of Bart for the pin at 13:00. This led to absolutely nothing, but it sure was a match that happened. ** I should note that Harvey was the ref here and after all the buildup of him critiquing the refs, he was made to look like a dummy just like all the other refs.

Meanwhile, Jim Cornette claims that Jose Lothario pulled a switchblade on him, which is why he and Vader attacked Jose. So Jim is offering a money back guarantee that the heels are winning tonight! *

* (Not a guarantee)

Henry Godwinn v. Mankind

As noted, Jake Roberts was not here tonight for whatever reason, can’t imagine what that might be, so Henry takes his place. I don’t know why they didn’t just move the Savio-Bradshaw match to the main show and call it a day. Mankind attacks in the corner and they slug it out before HOG powerslams him and clotheslines him to the floor. Lawler notes that the one good thing about Canada is that we don’t have an Arkansas. I think actually Saskatchewan would qualify in a lot of ways. Mankind works Godwinn over in the corner and chokes him out, then follows with the bulldog and drops an elbow. Running knee in the corner and he follows with the legdrop on the apron and then hits a neckbreaker on the floor after pulling up the mats. Back in, Mankind with a corner clothesline, but he misses a second one and HOG makes a comeback. HOG with a nice lariat, but Mankind tosses him again and then gets slammed on his own concrete pad because he’s a maniac. Back in the ring, Mankind blocks the Slop Drop and finishes with the Mandible Claw at 6:50 out of nowhere. This was like a decent-ish Superstars main event from the third hour of the taping cycle. * “Is there no counter for this move?” wonders JR. Man, what if he did it but with a SOCK on his hand? It would be unstoppable!

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Marc Mero

This PPV has big “WWF Superstars main event” energy thus far. And again, the graphic for Mero is just “The Wildman”. Austin and Mero slug it out while Vince tortures the English language like it’s his secretary (“Marc Mero hammering away, or rather being hammered away upon”) and Mero takes Austin down with an armbar. Austin reverses out with a headlock and they do a backslide fight out of that before Austin beats him down again. Mero slugs away and Austin bails to escape, so Mero attacks him from behind. Back in the ring, Mero with the rollup for two, but Austin clobbers him from behind and sends him to the floor after faking another mouth injury. Man and you thought the babyfaces in WCW were idiots at this point. Out on the floor, Austin catapults Mero into the ringpost in a move that would result in a gory bladejob in many other eras, and then tosses him off the apron and into the railing for good measure. Back in the ring, Austin goes up with the elbow for two, drawing big babyface cheers for the supposed vicious heel. Austin with the chinlock, but Marlena heads out to the ring and continues the meandering angle with Sable while Austin and Mero tumble to the floor off a powerbomb attempt. Mero hits a dive, mostly missed by the camera while Marlena leave, and back in with a slingshot splash for ONE TWO HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T. Mero slugs away in the corner, but Austin drops him on the top rope and goes to finish. Mero blocks the stunner and gets another slingshot for ONE TWO HE GOT HIM THIS TIME NO HE DIDN’T. But then KICK WHAM STUNNER finishes at 10:45. Mero was selling that one more like a Diamond Cutter, which would make sense given he had 1000 matches with DDP in 1995. This was, once again, a match that happened and I don’t have much more to add. We saw a million Steve Austin v. Johnny B Badd matches in WCW and they could work this one in their sleep. Wasn’t bad, wasn’t great. ***

Goldust v. Undertaker

Speaking of sleep-inducing matches. Goldust runs away and then hides behind the ref, but Taker gets a punch and Goldust runs away again. “Goldust, as we stated before, a consummate athlete despite his bizarreness” notes Vince, really putting him over as only Vince can. Goldust pulls him out and Taker chokeslams him onto the stairs and we get more stalling as Goldust lays around on the floor selling his ass injury. Interesting that they’re clearly the same height when standing next to each other out there, despite the illusion of Undertaker being 7 feet tall or whatever it was supposed to be. Back in the ring, Taker chokes him out and Goldust tries to undo the turnbuckle to defend himself, but Taker runs him into the other corner and drops a leg on him for two. Goldust slugs away in the corner, but Taker swats him down and ropewalks him to take over again. Marlena is unimpressed. “Is there an emotional bone in her body?” wonders Vince. Well New Jack was pretty temperamental. Goldust takes him to the apron and Taker necks him to escape, but Goldust finally gets the turnbuckle off to expose the steel. So they fight to the floor again and Goldust gently drops the stairs on his back and goes to work in the ring. CHINLOCK TIME, BABY! Taker makes a comeback with a big boot and small package for two. Unfortunately we knew all too much information about Goldust’s package in 1996. Tombstone follows, but Mankind runs in for the DQ via a hole in the ring at 12:10, although he misses his cue and the ref has to pretend not to count while Taker patiently waits after delivering his finisher. *1/2 I can’t believe they’re STILL protecting Goldust so heavily. Look, man, I was as bored of Undertaker as anyone at that point, but taking the tombstone from him and getting pinned clean does not hurt you in the slightest, especially on PPV. Meanwhile we get a lot of dry ice smoke and they mysteriously brawl to the back. “Where did he come from and where did he go?” wonders Lawler. Is he talking about Mankind or Cotton Eye Joe? I heard that guy ruined a lot of potential marriages.

Meanwhile, they are indeed still fighting in the backstage area, specifically the BOILER ROOM, perhaps setting up some sort of rematch at Summerslam.

Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson & Ultimate Warrior Sid v. Vader, Owen Hart & British Bulldog

Vader actually starts with Shawn and they slug it out, which Vader quickly wins. Shawn tries a rana and Vader blocks him, but Ahmed helps from the apron and Shawn finishes the move and sends Vader to the floor before following with a baseball slide. Shawn with a pescado, which normally Vader would just catch and slam him, but Vader actually takes it full force this time. But then Shawn dives again and hits the railing this time, and Vader takes over in the ring. The crowd wants to see Sid in the meantime, so Shawn brings him in and THE MASTERS OF THE POWERBOMB EXPLODE. Sid clears the ring as the crowd goes nuts for him, although to be fair Vancouver fans were used to disappointment thanks to the Grizzlies and needed something to cheer for. Owen tries attacking Sid from behind and he gets manhandled by Ahmed as a result, with three german suplexes. Bulldog comes in and hits Bulldog with a spinebuster and the Pearl River Plunge, but Vader saves that. Vader and Ahmed slug it out in the corner and the crowd would really like to see Sid again, thanks, as Vader hits Ahmed with a corner splash. But then Ahmed catches a second attempt and slams Vader for two. That didn’t look as awesome as it should have. Owen comes in and hits Ahmed with the leg lariat to take over again, but Ahmed hits him with a press slam and the crowd gets more Sid.

Big boot for Owen and throws Owen around and it’s back to Bulldog, who gives Sid a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it “Sid’s induction into the WWE Hall of Fame” and that gets two. Vader beats Sid down as I can only imagine how boring this match would be with Warrior out there instead of the crowd going apeshit for Sid. Shawn comes in with a bodypress on Bulldog for two, but he misses a blind charge and takes a manly bump into the ringpost so the heels to go to work. Shawn whips Bulldog into Vader for ONE TWO HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T, but Owen goes a cool Oklahoma roll sequence with Shawn and gets two. Shawn with a victory roll for two, but Owen reverses for two. They do a pinfall reversal sequence and Owen puts him down with a lariat for two. Bulldog with the BACK BODY DROP and legdrop for two. Powerslam gets two. Owen gets a cheapshot from the apron, allegedly with the cast, and it’s VADER TIME.

Vader beats on Shawn in the corner and Shawn takes the corner bump to the floor, allowing Owen to get some shots outside and back in for a short arm clothesline from Vader for two. He goes to a bearhug while an idiot fan tries to run in and thinks better of messing with Ahmed. Shawn fights out of that, but Bulldog puts him in a body vice and then puts him down with a samoan drop to block a crucifix. Blind charge misses, however, and they’re both down. The ref of course misses the hot tag and everyone brawls, but Owen accidentally hits Bulldog with a missile dropkick and it’s hot tag Sid. So he just wrecks everyone with chokeslams as the crowd goes crazy and then brings Ahmed back in for a double team on Vader, setting up a Rocker Launcher from Shawn for two. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and Vader gets the tennis racket, but Shawn steals it and gets two. But then Shawn takes too long tuning up the band and Vader splashes him in the corner and pins him clean as a sheet with the Vaderbomb at 24:34. This wasn’t like a show stealing classic or anything, more like an excellent house show main event carried by Shawn while Sid and Ahmed wisely stood on the apron and clapped for him. ***1/2.

I wouldn’t call this one “bad” but I would absolutely slot it in as one of the all time champions of “worthless and forgettable”, up there with luminaries of PPV like Battlebowl 93 and the second Herb Abrams UWF show. You missed nothing back in 1996 when you skipped it and you’re missing nothing today when you skip over it on the Network.