The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 05.31.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 05.31.86

Originally written 11.29.25

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY, on 05.13.86

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

I kinda just realized that we’re only a few weeks away from WWF Superstars of Wrestling, and they still haven’t added Jesse Ventura to the classic announce team yet.

Corporal Kirchner v. Bob Bradley

Bradley’s ring introduction from Finkel makes him look like a predator hanging out at a high school. I’m sure he was a great guy but man did he look like a sleazeball here. Good to see Corporal freed from the tag team world and back to stinking up the singles again. Kirchner gets some armdrags while Bruno tries to find nice things to say about Kirchner and Vince as usual is like “Hahahah he’s so shitty, pal!” Kirchner dumps Bradley and then slingshots him back in before going to a headlock and then putting the boots to him. Bradley slugs away and gets a slam as Kirchner should probably just let him take the match for a while because he’s a good worker. Bradley gets, hand to god, a Road Dogg shaky knee dancing headbutt and then Kirchner completely mistimes his own finisher, so Bradley stays down for a sunset flip at 3:55 and lets him have the pin. And then Kirchner, apparently determined to do his stupid samoan drop no matter what, just keeps going and hits it on a second try and pins Bradley a second time. What a disaster. Later on this is the kind of match where they’d just edit out that whole sequence.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

This week, Gene looks at George the Animal Steele, and we get a clip of George pinning a jobber with a Seat Belt cradle for a few weeks ago. And then some guy walks behind him with a bag of chips and offers him one. “You gotta be ribbing me!” notes Gene before eating his chip.

This week in 1986 commercials: THEY GAVE HIM A RAW DEAL. NO ONE GIVES HIM A RAW DEAL! I wouldn’t go so far as to say it was an underrated Arnie movie but it was a bit better than its rep. It wasn’t as dumb as Red Heat at least.

Hoss & Jimmy Jack Funk v. Chris Duffy & Leaping Lanny Poffo

For some reason we’re joined with Poffo doing his poem and they use a different font for the names. Also I think Poffo is insinuating the JYD raped Jimmy Hart. Poffo takes the Funks down with hiptosses and dropkicks Hoss off the apron, and then it’s over to Duffy to end any momentum. But Poffo comes in again and gets some shine on Hoss, only to miss a moonsault, and the Funks hit Duffy with a double elbow. Jimmy Jack powerslams him and Hoss finishes with a Texas Cloverleaf at 2:35. Jimmy was already moving away from his imitation of Terry and doing a more rough heel Funk.

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndoff v. Dave Barbie

Paul immediately takes Barbie down and works the arm with a hammerlock and then hits him with a dropkick. He tries to wrap up Barbie with a hold on the mat and Dave powers up and makes the ropes. He rakes Paul’s eyes on the ropes, but Paul hits him with a backdrop suplex and tosses him to the floor. Back in the ring, Orndorff gets aggressive with a clothesline and finishes with the piledriver, but Barbie is too close to the ropes, so he hits a second one and pins him at 3:35.

Magnificent Muraco & Cowboy Bob Orton v. Scott McGhee & Don Driggers

So obviously this teaming is the start of something much bigger. Orton beats on McGhee in the corner, but Scotty gets a monkey flip and chases him to the corner with a dropkick. Over to Muraco while Lou Albano joins us and admits that Andre’s suspension is TRUE. Albano claims that the match was called off and Andre was told not to appear, and he can’t figure out why that would be. So Albano is going to appeal it all the way to the courts. Orton and Muraco work McGhee over in the corner, but Muraco misses an elbow and it’s over to Driggers. Orton immediately yanks him out of the ring, and back in for the superplex to finish at 3:05. Good to see Orton finding a new purpose outside of his bodyguarding. I’m sure Roddy Piper will understand.

The Flower Shop with special guests The British Bulldogs. Adonis immediately gets annoyed because Albano does all the talking for the Bulldogs and calls him a “poor imitation of a 1960s radical” as we fade out with “Rock Me Amadeus”. This is the good stuff.

This week in 1986 commercials: Advertisements for Schick disposable razors, which only have TWO blades! Can you believe that shit? If I don’t have 17 or more blades on my razor head on the rare occasions when I shave these days, it might as well be useless.

Tito Santana & Pedro Morales v. MAD RICHARD & Primo Manzello

Truly this show is a melting pot of cultures. Pedro quickly cradles Mr. Richard for two, which makes him MAD. Or madder. Well Quebecers are generally mad about something anyway. Over to Primo, but Tito comes in and takes him down with an armbar. Vince is just burying this doofus, calling him a big fat load basically and he’s not wrong. That guy can barely take a bump. Richard misses a charge and hits his own partner, and the babyfaces go back to beating on Mad Richard because at least he can take simple bumps. And Pedro finishes with a suplex at 3:27. This was fucking terrible.

Meanwhile, Ricky Steamboat informs us that DRUGS ARE BAD. If a friend tells you that drugs are where it’s at, he’s no friend of yours! Thankfully we have all the WWF Superstars to tell us how to conduct our personal lives without drugs.

Jake Roberts v. Ricky Hunter

Jake is already getting babyface reactions from the crowd at this point. Jake evades a slam, but makes the mistake of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and that allows Hunter to get his bodyslam on the second try. So Jake works the arm while Ricky Steamboat joins us to talk about how he can’t remember anything from the night he got DDT’d on the concrete. Ricky thinks that Jake was trying to put him out of pro wrestling! That’s horrible, Steamboat almost had to retire and open a gym or something. Jake just keeps working the armbar while Steamboat does his interview with Vince and Bruno, and then he reverses a hiptoss attempt into the DDT OUTTA NOWHERE at 4:25. Jake goes for the snake, so an enraged Ricky runs from the announce desk and attacks, beating on Jake with chops and chasing him out of the ring. Super hot angle here.

NEXT WEEK: Randy Savage! British Bulldogs! Spivey & Rotunda! The Hart Foundation! King Tonga & Ted Arcidi! Hercules & Big John Studd!