The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 05.17.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 05.17.86

Originally written 11.15.25

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY on 04.21.86

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

OK, THIS episode I distinctly remember watching at the time. My friends at school were all about the British Bulldogs and we remember thinking they were screwed.

King Tonga & Ted Arcidi v. The Gladiator & Dave Barbie

Holy shit what a team on the babyface side. Did Arcidi ever have a formal heel turn, because he was heel by the time we get to the Big Event, and I don’t remember it happening? Arcidi with a press slam on Barbie and he headlocks him so painfully that Barbie has to tag out to the Gladiator. Over to Tonga, who hits Gladiator with a high knee and then suplexes Barbie. He follows with a gut wrench and puts the boots to Barbie, and sadly it’s back to Arcidi, who finishes with the bearhug at 4:23. This was pretty bad and lethargic.

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES!

Let us take you back to Saturday Night’s Main Event again, as Jake Roberts hits Ricky Steamboat with a very ill-advised DDT on the concrete to knock him out for real and kick off their feud around the horn.

This week in 1986 commercials: Hostess Pudding Pies. Oh my god those look horrifying.

The Hart Foundation v. Leaping Lanny Poffo & Don Driggers

Poffo as usual makes the mistake of insulting his opponents with a spicy poem, so the Harts attack him and then Bret hits Driggers with the middle rope elbow. When will we as a society learn that poetry is never the answer?! Bret whips Anvil into the corner for the shoulderblock, and they follow with a Demolition elbow for two. And the Hart Attack finishes at 2:05. Meanwhile we get an update from Jack Tunney, who has scheduled some kind of hearing with Andre the Giant to get to the bottom of his no-show. I’ve heard he’s busy in Japan with something.

This week in 1986 commercials: Competing electronics rental services! Do you go with Rent-A-Center or Colortyme for your massive 20” CRT television needs? Hard to say. We pretty much bought everything from Sears back in the day.

Pedro Morales & Hillbilly Jim v. CYCLONE CAPONE & Moondog Spot

What the actual fuck is with the babyface teams this week? Who would put this on the call sheet and think it’s a good idea? Like some agent wrote down “Hillbilly Jim teams with Pedro Morales” and then clapped his hands together in delight at such a great idea. Also this may be the greatest jobber team ever assembled, so that kind of evens things out. Pedro gets a sunset flip on Spot for two, and it’s over to CYCLONE CAPONE, who is unable to slam Jim. Jim drops an elbow on him and Pedro gets a backdrop, and then Jim finishes with a big boot at 2:10. “The cyclone has been reduced to a little breeze” notes Bruno. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” goes Vince in response to this disrespect. YOU SHUT YOUR HOOKER MOUTH, VINCE! I’ll cut Bruno some slack because he’s awesome but you should know better. This blog is officially a Cyclone Capone stan account now and you all know it’s the right thing to do.

This week in 1986 commercials: Get a Big Mac meal at McDonalds for only $2.99! Holy shit inflation is a bitch.

Hercules Hernandez v. Michael Saxon

We’re randomly joined by Ernie Ladd on commentary now, as Herc hits Saxon with slams and then follows with a clothesline and stomps him down. So Vince decides to drag up Bruno getting his neck broken by a clothesline for some reason, but Bruno brushes it off and notes that he came back and got rid of the jerk who did it to him. Hercules finishes with the torture rack at 3:00.

The Flower Shop with special guest MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE. Adrian calls them a “swinging trio” and gives Liz some flowers, but Randy intercepts them. Fair.

This week in 1986 commericals: Stick your thumb up the asses of top wrestlers thanks to LJN!

Tito Santana & Danny Spivey v. Paul Christy & Steve Lombardi

WHAT IS WITH THIS SHOW?! Spivey and Santana? Spivey criss-crosses with Lombardi and catches him with a slam while Bruno confesses that although Adonis is a tree-mendous wrestler, “all the other stuff” disgusts him. Tito works the arm on Lombardi, but Spivey gets caught in the heel corner and worked over for a bit. But it’s back to Tito and they hit Christy with a double elbow before Spivey finishes him with the bulldog at 3:17. He really needs to start spinning his finger in the air first if he’s gonna make that a permanent finisher.

The British Bulldogs v. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd

This is non-title. The Bulldogs hit Studd with a double dropkick for two, so Bundy comes in for the power showdown with Davey and pounds him down. Elbow misses and the Bulldogs also double on Bundy, but Bundy aborbs the blows and drops a knee on Davey to take over. Studd with a clothesline and elbow for two. Bundy clubs him down for two and follows with a backbreaker for two. The heels work Davey over in the corner until Kid can take no more and attacks Studd, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, so the ref calls for the DQ at 5:00. Man Kid really must have been messed up because he did absolutely nothing here. *1/2. But Bundy misses an Avalanche and the Bulldogs escape, which triggers a shoving match between Studd and Bundy that Bobby Heenan is able to moderate. That one definitely didn’t go anywhere, although they could have easily built to a WM3 match out of it.

Next week: The Killer Bees v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff!

Apparently this week was “draw 2 babyface names out of a fishbowl and team them up” as the theme.