The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 05.03.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 05.03.86

Originally written 11.08.25

Tonight’s adventure in adulting: My smaller and dumber dog, Libby, was sniffing around the garbage can tonight and came out of the kitchen with a mousetrap attached to her lip. Luckily she was fine and it was pretty funny in retrospect but what the hell? I guess that was an effective way to keep her out of the garbage from now on.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY, on 04.21.86

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino, although the opening stuff is edited out of this one for some reason and it just starts with the first match.

The Dream Team v. Don Driggers & Tony Garea

Damn, poor Tony on TV job duty now. Valentine drops him with a back elbow and Brutus hits him with a snapmare for two. The crowd, mean New Yorkers they are, chant LOSER at Dream Team in a hurtful manner. Look, they tried their best. They continue double-teaming Garea in the corner and Beefcake gets an elbow off the middle rope, but Garea manages a small package for two and finally brings in Driggers, who proceeds to do the exact opposite of running wild and immediately gets beaten down like a goof. Valentine comes off the top with a forearm shot for two, and then drops him with an underhook suplex before Brutus adds a powerslam. And Valentine drops the elbow and finishes with the figure-four at 4:10.

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES!

Man, all the kids are still talking about Wrestlemania 2, and we get a clip of the Funks beating Tito & JYD. But it seems that Terry Funk has suffered a crippling knee injury, and his other brother, Jimmy Jack Funk, will now be seeking revenge on his behalf.

Ricky Steamboat v. Al Navarro

Vince shares that he just got back from a trip to see Maui and it was sensational. Did he remember to say “You’re Welcome”? Steamboat takes Navarro down with a headlock and works on that before hitting a Hennig necksnap, but Navarro slams out of it. So Steamboat slams him right back and finishes with the flying bodypress at 3:15.

The Iron Shiek & Nikolai Volkoff v. John Centino & Scotty McGhee

Shiek immediately bodies Centino and deadlifts him into a gutbuster, and then puts him down with a lariat as Centino does a 180 flipping sell of it. So then Blassie joins on commentary and issues a challenge for Corporal Kirchner NEXT WEEK to face Iron Sheik if he has any guts. McGhee comes in briefly and gets nowhere, so Centino is back again and Volkoff gleefully presses him into the backbreaker as this guy is light as a feather apparently, and then Sheik tosses him with a suplex and finishes with the camel clutch at 2:02. That was some QUALITY enhancement work from Centino, who went up for them like weighed 3 pounds and took some great bumps here.

The British Bulldog v. Paul Christy & Cyclone Capone

OH MY GOD that is literally the best jobber name I’ve ever heard. Incredible. I’m assuming Dynamite will not be doing much here. Davey suffers from a headlock by Christy and it’s over to CYCLONE CAPONE, but Davey backdrops him and brings in Kid for a snap suplex and gut wrench. OK well I guess he is gonna be doing stuff after all. Davey with the running powerslam and delayed suplex, which gets two. Kid with a backdrop suplex and he drops a knee on Cyclone before Davey goes to a chinlock. And then Davey lifts up Capone into an assisted top rope powerslam from Kid to finish at 3:00. Kid was taking time off around the horn and letting other people sub for him, but he was crazy enough to work a hard squash match while injured.

THE FLOWER SHOP with Adrian Adonis. So Adrian has co-opted the Piper’s Pit set now and launched his own talk segment, and Hillbilly Jim is his first guest. Adonis wonders if Jim’s birth certificate actually says “Hillbilly Jim”, but Jim is like “Of course it doesn’t you moron”. So Adonis notes that you’re not gonna see Uncle Elmer around any more because of him, and Jim gets annoyed to end the segment. Well it was the first one.

Jake Roberts v. Serge Jodoin

Jake beats on Jodoin with forearms as there’s not much going on with the match, but Bobby Heenan joins us to discuss the no-show from Andre the Giant last week and that’s more interesting. Bobby concludes that Andre is just a coward and chickened out, and he wants an investigation! OK now I’m remembering where it’s all going. For some reason I had blanked on the Andre stuff in early 86 before. Jake finishes with the DDT at 2:54.

Tito Santana & Paul Orndorff v. Randy Savage & Cowboy Bob Orton

This was advertised as Savage & Muraco teaming up last week, which is weird because it was taped before last week’s show aired so Vince would have known that Muraco wasn’t there. Not saying it’s anything nefarious, but Vince was usually more careful about that kind of thing. Orndorff quickly slams Orton and it’s over to Macho Man, so Tito wants a shot and Macho bails to the floor to make him wait. And then he lets Cowboy have the glory instead, because he’s that kind of selfless individual. Orndorff and Orton trade near-falls while Savage paces around the apron like a skittish cat, but Tito goes over and gives him a cheapshot for zero reason. This allows Orton to get a backbreaker on Santana, and Macho comes in to teach him a lesson in sportsmanship, slugging him down into a kneedrop from Orton that gets two. Tito runs Orton into the corner to escape and it’s hot tag Wonderful, who hits Cowboy with a dropkick and he also goes over and punches Macho for absolutely no reason! So Macho hits Tito with a knee from the apron, but Tito rebounds with the loaded elbowpad and hits a dirty flying forearm for the pin at 4:10. I DEMAND A RECOUNT! The Macho Man deserves more respect than this treatment! I’m ending this show right here!

Next week: Corporal Kirchner v. Iron Sheik! I’m gonna write a letter to Jack Tunney right now and get this Savage result overturned. You just wait.