The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 04.26.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 04.26.86

Originally written 11.02.25

Well. Game 7 didn’t exactly go the way that I wanted for the Jays, and I wasn’t in much of a mood to review SNME after that, and I spent most of Sunday in a pretty bad place but I think I’m OK now. Mostly after a month of non-stop stress and anxiety, it’s kind of a relief for it to be over with one way or another. Still though, FUCKING JEFF HOFFMAN. Fuck.

Anyway, I feel like I need to retreat to my happy place for a bit, which is of course 1986 WWF.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY on 03.31.86

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

BREAKING NEWS: Andre the Giant has chosen HILLBILLY JIM to be his partner against Studd and Bundy!

Ricky Steamboat & King Tonga v. Steve Lombardi & The Gladiator

Tonga hits Lombardi with a backdrop and controls him with armdrags, and it’s over to Steamboat for the chops and a pair of leapfrogs into a crossbody in a nice sequence. Back to the arm, so Steve goes to the eyes and brings in the Gladiator. So Tonga hits him with a dropkick and puts him in the STUMP PULLER, which is actually called by Vince, and the babyfaces hit Gladiator with a double chop. Steamboat with a neckbreaker and he finishes with the flying bodypress at 3:32. These guys were such a great babyface team at this point.

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES!

Apparently all the kids are talking about Wrestlemania 2 as the greatest spectacular of all time. So Hayes throws out a number of FOUR MILLION HOMES tuning into the show, even though Vince stressed over and over leading up to the show that there would be no home broadcast outside of a few PPV systems. Also he claims that an additional two million people saw it through closed circuit, and a bunch of worldwide locations also reported record numbers. Just as a note for sanity, a reminder that the biggest PPV shows of all time did between one million and two million buys, so this would make WM2 around three times bigger than the biggest PPV drawing cards in history if these claims were even remotely true. Spoiler: They weren’t true.

Hercules Hernandez v. Mario Mancini

Herc slams Mario and drops elbows on him before hitting him with a suplex and beating him down with the clubbing forearms. Blassie beats on him with the cane and Herc stomps him down in the corner before finishing with the torture rack at 3:00.

Tito Santana & Pedro Morales v. Mr. X (formerly known as Mr. Twitter) & AJ Petruzzi

Pedro backdrops Mr. X out of the corner, and Tito gets a blind tag and hits X with an atomic drop to chase him out of the ring. Over to AJ and Tito SWEEPS THE LEG and works the headlock on the mat. Pedro hits him with slams and it’s back to Tito for a double elbow. AJ gets some offense on Tito, but it’s back to Pedro, who lays AJ out with a knee to the gut, and Tito finishes with the flying forearm at 3:15. Interesting that they just put the titles on the Bulldogs, and all of a sudden there’s a glut of babyface teams (Steamboat & Tonga, Tito & Pedro, Animal & JYD, Spivey & Kirchner) who basically had nowhere to go as a result.

King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant & Hillbilly Jim

No, wait, apparently Andre isn’t there, so Jim brings out Ted Arcidi as a replacement. Vince and Bruno are just as confused as we are. Arcidi pantomimes slamming the heels over and over in case everyone in the arena didn’t get what his strategy here. So Jim starts out with Bundy and dodges an elbow before slugging away in the corner. But he misses a charge, so it’s over to Arcidi, who tries to slam Studd and gets beaten down for his troubles. So the heels nail the ref and double-team Arcidi for the DQ at 2:43, giving him a pretty merciless beating before walking off.

Piper’s Pit with special guests the Killer Bees. Piper calls them the “#1 contenders for the tag team titles” but points out that Brunzell has a cast on his arm and that’s cheating. Orton is especially offended over this skullduggery, and Piper is ignorant of his bodyguard wearing a cast at any point. And that’s the end of Piper’s Pit for a long while! Of course the replacement next week is very different.

Jake Roberts v. Andre Melo

Vince and Bruno still don’t know why Andre wasn’t here. Maybe his plane was late? But they’re sure there’s a good reason. What are they talking about? Andre is right there in the ring facing Jake Roberts! Jake hits Melo with a short arm clothesline and chinlocks him while trying to shove his face into the snake bag. Jake SWEEPS THE LEG and then snaps off a DDT to finish at 2:21. And poor Melo gets the snake, to the disgust of Vince.

Junkyard Dog & George Steele v. Dave Barbie & Iron Mike Sharpe

Haiti Kid is now managing the babyfaces, and George chases off the heels but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed for a bit. But George bites on Mike’s arm and it’s over to JYD. Sharpe trips him up from the floor, but Haiti Kid runs over and bites Mike’s ass, prompting Mike to run away in terror and get laid out by Steele. Back in the ring, Dog brings Barbie over for more cannibalism from Haiti Kid. Iron Mike beats on the Dog, but Barbie tags in and JYD casually picks him up for the Thump at 4:50 to finish. This was a weird mess of a match.

NEXT WEEK: Tito Santana & Paul Orndroff v. Randy Savage & Magnificent Muraco! Well that sounds interesting.