The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 04.12.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 04.12.86

Originally written 10.21.25

After a night off to enjoy the Blue Jays getting to the World Series for the first time in 32 years, we’re back on the horse again with the post WM show in 1986!

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY on 03.31.86

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

Junkyard Dog & Ricky Steamboat v. Moondog Spot & Mr. X

Quite the odd couple on the babyface side. X tries to throw haymakers at Steamboat, but Ricky evades him and it’s over to the JYD for some headbutts. Spot comes in and tries his own headbutt, which doesn’t work, and it’s DOG EAT DOG as JYD headbutts Spot for two. And then it’s back to X and Dog finishes with the Thump at 3:00. Not much in the way of teamwork there. However, the heel team of course went on to tag team fame as X MARKS THE SPOT. Thank you, I’m here all week.

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES!

We take you Australia, where young Jacques & Raymond Rougeau from Montreal make their debut and beat the Moondogs, complete with Rex not even bothering to wear his Moondog gear.

The Hart Foundation v. Mario Mancini & SD Jones

SD is from Antigua this week. SD gets a rollup on Bret for two and goes to work on the arm, and then Mario comes in and he’s not so super, as Bret runs him into Neidhart’s boot and possibly into another galaxy. Anvil drops him on the top rope and the Harts give him a Demolition elbow, setting up a dropkick from Neidhart before the Hart Attack finishes and Mario probably retires to become a plumber at 3:00.

Meanwhile, Randy Savage does a promo about an upcoming Cow Palace defense against Tito Santana, and clarifies that he hit Tito with a completely legal straight right hand when he won the title, YEAH.

George Steele v. John Rizzo

Rizzo attacks from behind and chased off as Bruno notes that Steele is living proof that men come from apes. ACKSHULLY humans and apes evolved from a common ancestor, Mr. Science Guy. Couldn’t Bruno have taken 10 seconds to check his phone and Google it? Steel lays him out, eats the turnbuckle, and then puts him in a SEAT BELT and pins him at 2:45! Well that was an unexpected bit of mat wrestling from the Animal, I’ll give him that.

The Magnificent Muraco v. Terry Morgan

Muraco tosses Morgan around and gets a snapmare to start, before taking him down into a facelock on the mat. Muraco stops to mock the fans’ hatred of him and then hits Morgan with a gut wrench and tosses him to the floor for a chop from Fuj the Stooge. Back in the ring, Muraco with a piledriver, but he didn’t like the execution, so he picks him up and hits a tombstone this time to finish at 2:54. And then he declares that his way is the only proper way to do the piledriver. Unlike Mr. Wonderful’s version, I’m assuming.

Piper’s Pit with substitute Jimmy Hart, since Piper is gone from the WWF for a long while. Special guest is Jake Roberts, who freaks out Jimmy and Hoss Funk with his snake. Also of note, Terry Funk is also gone, having tagged out to Jimmy Jack Funk on the house show circuit after Wrestlemania, and only returning for one SNME tag match a couple of weeks after this so he could job to Hulk on the way out. So they lost Terry Funk and Roddy Piper within the span of a couple of weeks. That’s gotta suck.

Paul Orndorff v. Steve Lombardi

Lombardi tries to go after the arm to start, but Paul takes him down and gets his own armdrags. He works the arm for a while, and then finishes with the piledriver at 3:22.

I normally just skip through the commercials but I had to stop at one for KING COBRA MALT LIQUOR, complete with dancing girls and smooth talking black guy selling it. “Don’t let the smooth taste fool ya!” he notes. No seriously, is this is an outtake from Black Dynamite somehow transported back in time to 1986 and broadcast on a show for kids?

So clearly I had to go down that rabbit hole a bit, and indeed, this is a real beverage that’s apparently still around?

https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/29/66/

The review quotes are amazing.

But I digress.

Danny Spivey & Cpl. Kirchner v. The Gladiator & Dave Barbie

I was wondering when we’d get more from this dream team. Vince notes that Kirchner has made the transition from army life “not with ease, but easier than some would have thought.” That’s what you call a backhanded compliment, kids. Spivey tries something resembling a Thesz Press on the Gladiator and that goes sideways in a hurry, so it’s over to Barbie and he gets double-teamed by the All-Americans. Kirchner with a backdrop as he seems to forget what move he was going to do, and then he gets a dropkick and suplex for two. Spivey drops an elbow and goes to work on the arm as this match is a complete disaster and Vince is like “They’re not gelling too much out there”. Gladiator tries a slam and Spivey falls back on him for two, but Barbie works him over in the corner for a bit to take over. So Kirchner comes in and gives Barbie a neckbreaker before Spivey finishes him with the bulldog at 4:24. This was horrible and Kirchner looked like he was whacked out of his gourd on something. The 80s, what a time to be alive, man.

Next week: Highlights from WM2! Sheik & Volkoff! Adrian Adonis! Randy Savage!

Well this episode certainly wasn’t boring, I’ll give it that.