The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 04.05.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 04.05.86

Originally written 10.13.25

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY on 03.11.86

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino, and everyone is all fired up for Wrestlemania 2!

Meanwhile, Lord Alfred Hayes runs down all the “celebrities” that are attending the show, as Vince continues to push that aspect of the show WAY too hard.

Hillbilly Jim & Uncle Elmer v. Al Navarro & Chuck Simpson

Navarro looks vaguely familiar but he’s probably just a guy. The jobbers stall and run away to start while Vince and Bruno discuss all the BEEF in the battle royale and potential ring reinforcements. We hear from Cab Calloway, who clarifies that we’re gonna have wrestling at Wrestlemania 2, while Elmer finishes with a legdrop at 2:17.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene talks with William Perry, who is apparently going after Andre the Giant as long as he can avoid getting slapped by him. Good luck there, pal.

Magnificent Muraco v. Ivan Macdonald

They’ve been using Ivan a lot on these tapings. Muraco beats on Ivan in the corner and puts him down with a forearm before tossing him to the floor and then suplexing him back in the ring. Muraco goes up with the ASIATIC SPIKE as Ivan has no idea how to sell it and just lays there while we hear from Smokin’ Joe Frazier. Muraco drops a leg while Vince discusses Dick Butkus and I’m shocked he didn’t have more of a presence because you know Vince loved saying that name. Muraco with a powerslam and he finishes with a tombstone at 3:00. And then he kisses Rita Chatterton’s hand like a true gentleman.

Cpl. Kirchner & Danny Spivey v. Steve Lombardi & AJ Petruzzi

OH MY GOD are they still trying to make this team happen? Looks like they traded a couple of wins in February with Sheik & Volkoff, but otherwise didn’t anything outside of squashes on the TV shows. Spivey hits Lombardi with hiptosses and a slam to start, so Steve runs away and brings AJ in. The Corporal hits him with a monkey flip out of the corner while we hear from Cathy Lee Crosby, who wants to see William Perry toss out Big John Studd. Meanwhile, Vince McMahon clarifies that there is NO HOME TV for Wrestlemania, outside of a “few PPV systems that carry it”. So go to the closed circuit locations and watch it there, you lazy bastards! Spivey with a suplex on Petruzzi and Corporal finishes him with a samoan drop at 3:15. He should have called that the CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.

Adrian Adonis v. Nelson Velleiux

Adonis is now using “You’re So Vain” for entrance music, which is just tremendous, and then sprays himself with perfume to further disgust Vince McMahon. Man it’s too bad he couldn’t get his shit together because they struck GOLD with this gimmick. I know the idea was Vince punishing him for the weight gain, but he was really fantastic early on before Vince started beating him like a drum and treating him like a joke. Adonis finishes with a cobra sleeper at 2:23 after we hear from Elvira.

Meanwhile, Rowdy Roddy Piper crashes the training gym where Smokin’ Joe is working out, and we learn that Joe has put a kilt on the heavy bag. So Piper is like “OK, so show me your training, Joe!” and Joe tosses a medicine ball at his gut. Piper: (Grunts in extreme pain) “Didn’t hurt me at all”. Man they really should have had a better payoff at the show, like Orton & Piper in a tag match with Mr. T and JYD or something like that. Piper was great in the buildup and T was unhinged with the trashtalking but they just had nothing with the boxing stuff.

Meanwhile, more comments from the participants in the battle royale, as though everyone didn’t know who was winning anyway.

Iron Shiek & Nikolai Volkoff v. Don Driggers & Leaping Lanny Poffo

Sheik lays out Lanny with a clothesline and hits him with a Bossman running choke on the ropes while we hear from Tommy Lasorda and he assures us that we’ll really enjoy Wrestlemania 2. Well that’s a relief. Over to Driggers, but Shiek lays him out with a suplex and finishes with the camel clutch at 1:27.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene talks with Hulk Hogan’s doctor, who is of the opinion that Hulk Hogan could suffer PERMANENT INJURY if he climbs into the cage at WM2. Even though he was just on TV last week and was basically fine. But now the rib tape is back on. It comes and goes, I guess.

THIS MONDAY NIGHT: It’s Wrestlemania 2! And we’ll have a report on everything that went down there next week.

Final verdict on the buildup for the show? Too many celebrities, too much focus on the battle royale and not enough on everything else crammed onto the show, and the hype in general was very scattershot and generally all over the place.