The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 03.31.84

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 03.31.84

Taped from Allentown, PA

Your hosts are Mean Gene & some other creep

Intercontinental champion Tito Santana v. Mike Powers

Tito takes the jobber down while Howard Finkel has to shill for an evening house show at a trade school in Yonkers, NY. 1984 sure wasn’t all glitz and glamor for the Fed. Tito works a headlock on the mat and this doofus appears to have a tanline like he was wearing Bret Hart’s tights while sunbathing. Tito facelocks him and the guy is so bad that even the annoouncers are busting on how he’s not much of an opponent. Powers makes a brief comeback, but he can barely even run the ropes and Tito puts us out of our misery with the flying forearm and hopefully Powers didn’t get any more TV time after this.

UPDATE! WITH RAPEY JOE!

This week’s focus is the Iron Sheik, former Olympic medalist who likes to put people away with the camel clutch. Let’s watch that move now. And we’re done. And then after winning the title, Sheik went on a shopping spree and a flock pidgeons pooped on his Rolls Royce. Cool story, bro.

Greg Valentine v. Francisco Vasquez

Holy shit, the steroid store called Vasquez and they’re running out of drugs. I’m assuming his heart exploded after he got back to the dressing room. Valentine takes him down and works a leglock. Vasquez tries to block a suplex with a small package and Greg is just like “NOPE” and the guy haplessly falls down, before Valentine finishes him with the figure-four.

Bob Backlund v. Tony Russo

Backlund takes Russo down and works the arm, but Russo fights up and tries for a hiptoss. Backlund stuffs that attempt down, but Russo successfully takes him down on a second try. Bob backslides him for the pin out of nowhere, however, and then offers a handshake of sportsmanship. And then he does these crazy exercises with a wheel on a stick, where he rolls it forward and goes flat on the mat with it, and then bridges up with it again. This man is a freak of nature.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene discusses the upcoming MSG show on April 23, featuring a rematch between Greg Valentine and Bob Backlund. Valentine is pretty sure he won on points last time, but they fought to a double countout because Bob was too much of a coward to finish things. Well, if the match was going near the 15:00 mark, he would be wise to run away before Greg was fully warmed up. And then Bob stops by and shows a track meet medal that his daughter gave him because he lost the WWF title and she wanted to motivate him to win it back. “Don’t give it back until you win the WWF title back” were her exact words apparently. Well she’s got a while to wait. Hope she didn’t need them back for 10 years.

Paul Orndorff v. Santiago Rios

The crowd chants “Paula” and that apparently upsets Orndorff, so he takes it out on Rio and bearts on him with knees and then tosses him and hauls him back over the top rope again. And then he just LAYS WASTE to this poor fucker with a backdrop driver here in 1994, as the kid takes it right on the head, and of course the piledriver finishes him.

Piper’s Pit with special guest Private Terry Daniels

Daniels is the first inductee into Sgt. Slaughter’s Cobra Corps, which is unrelated to Slaughter’s Privates. So Piper talks about drill instructors in the movies and he can’t believe that this yelling stuff can’t be real. Daniels explains that it’s very real and gives you mental discipline. “So you have a mental problem?” Also Piper is astonished that he could stand there and say nasty things about Daniels’ sister if he wanted and Terry couldn’t do anything about it. And then Piper goes on a rant about how Iranians come in and shoot up the building and Daniels is just gonna stand up and fight them because the Marines say so? The Cobra Corps are just a bunch of Girl Scouts, and he pulls the plug on the interview while Daniels just takes it all stoically. Piper was just great.

Cowboy Bob Orton v. Lee Wong

So Orton is the latest addition to the murderer’s row of heels as Vince picks the bones of Crockett clean. Bob works the arm while Roddy Piper looks on in admiration. Bob slugs away on the ropes and adds a powerslam before going back to the arm again. And then Bob beats on him further and finishes with the superplex. Piper just slides in and seems to appoint himself Bob’s manager on the spot, thus kicking off a long and complex relationship.

Rowdy Roddy Piper v. SD Jones

The announcers seem to think that Piper has little chance against Jones, despite just coming off one of the main events of the biggest show in wrestling history up until that point. But yeah, Tony Khan better do a video package for him because Google wasn’t around in 1984, I guess. Piper offers a clean break and a couple of handshakes before hitting Jones with a cheapshot to put him down and a blatant punch. Piper was clearly still in Crockett shape here instead of Titan shape, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, but he still has incredible star aura. He works on a neck vice, but SD fights out of that and headbutts Piper into the corner to make the comeback. SD with an atomic drop and Piper sells like crazy for him, but then Piper catches him with a neckbreaker and pins him to win his debut on the show. Thus beginning another great tradition of the Hulkamania era, namely gaslighting fans into believing that no other promotions existed besides the WWF.

Meanwhile, more from Mean Gene in advance of a Nassau house show, as he chats with Lou Albano and the Samoans.

Ivan Putski v. Frank Williams

Ivan goes after the arm, but Williams rakes the face and runs away. Back in, Putski works on a headlock, so Williams runs away again. Back in, Putski puts him away with the Polish Hammer to wrap up the show. Williams sold that like death.

Next week: B Brian Blair & Tony Garea v. The Wild Samoans!

All about the Piper this week as he’s carrying these shows on his back when Sgt. Slaughter isn’t around.