The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 03.29.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 03.29.86

Originally written 10.08.25

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES!

New celebrities announced: Ray Charles! Lee Majors! Robert Conrad! Dick Butkus! Ozzy Osbourne! G. Gordon Liddy!

Randy Savage v. Andre Malo

My wife’s Randy Savage costume for Halloween continues building, as she’s been watching the Cream of the Crop promo on repeat and threatening to throw Tito Santana in the garbage can over and over while trying to get the voice down. Savage attacks Malo and necks him on the top rope before hitting him with a snap suplex back in the ring for two. This gives us an inset from Elvira while Savage hits a gut wrench suplex for two and then tosses him and follows with the double axehandle, which is like the 1986 version of guys doing shooting star presses in 2025. Back in, Macho with another double axehandle in the ring this time, which gets two. Malo heroically kicks out with help from Savage, so Macho goes up and drops the big elbow for the pin, YEAH, at 2:12. So glad we finally got the title off that loser Santana and onto a real champion. THE CREAM OF THE CROP.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene chats with Mr. T and his big orange buddy. Plus a rubber chicken in a kilt. T is so mad at Piper that he just walks around choking his chicken.

Paul Orndorff v. Bob Bradley

They fight for the lockup and Orndorff hammerlocks him until Bradley makes the ropes. Vince brings up the Orndorff-Muraco match at Wrestlemania 2, which is the first mention I can remember on this show, and probably should have been a hell of a match if they didn’t get like 2 minutes with a shit finish. Also we get an inset from G. Gordon Liddy, who cuts a deadpan pan about how he’s going to be a judge. Orndorff works the arm, but Paul sends him to the floor with a hiptoss as Bob takes a crazy bump for a nothing squash. Back in the ring with a suplex and Paul hits him with a clothesline and finishes with the piledriver at 3:43.

Meanwhile, the Hart Foundation blow in to do a quick promo with Gene, who describes Neidhart as “former football great”. That’s a stretch. Then we cut to Gene, interviewing William Perry in his jaunty red beret.

The Funk Brothers v. SD Jones & Ivan MacDonald

SD hailing from Antigua in the West Indies this week. The Funks take him to the floor and work on the leg right away, with Terry throwing kicks from the apron. Our celebrity inset: Cathy Lee Crosby, who is excited about working with a gorilla. Not a literal one, I hope. Hoss brings Ivan into the ring with a suplex and finishes him with a Texas Cloverleaf at 3:00.

The British Bulldogs v. Mr. X & Tiger Chung Lee

Lee quickly gets backdroppoed to the floor and yanked back in by Dynamite. Davey with a dropkick for two and our celebrity is Cab Calloway. He literally has nothing to say. Over to Mr. X, but Davey scoops him up and powerslams him for two, with a slow count that’s almost like the referee is trying to help Mr. X for some reason. Kid with a snap suplex and Davey gets a small package for two and powerslams him a second time. To the top with a backdrop suplex from the Kid, dropping X on his head, and that finishes at 3:00. Bruno’s delight at every wacky new move from the Bulldogs is so wholesome and wonderful. Also I bet Mr. X will somehow get his revenge on the Bulldogs someday.

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper trains boxing with his own Wrestling Album song as the soundtrack. That’s one you don’t ever hear, actually.

Meanwhile, we get a bunch of hard-hitting journalism questions for all the guys in the battle royale. King Tonga is indeed worried about getting hit from the blindside.

Hulk Hogan v. Moondog Spot

An exceedingly rare TV appearance for Hulk, complete with white trunks and green kneepads. It’s quite the look. Spot attacks the ribs but Hulk quickly hulks up, hits him with a corner clothesline and drops the leg at 1:55. Was this the first televised appearance of the Hogan 86 belt? He was using the 85 all the way up to the Wrestling Album promotional stuff, I think. Anyway, Hulk completely no-sells the broken ribs and basically shows us that he’s 100% fine and King Kong Bundy isn’t a threat to his title at all.

This build to the biggest show of the year is SO incredibly scattershot, but in fairness it was only the second crack at it and they still didn’t know quite how to present and hype it aside from CELEBRITIES EVERYWHERE! And yeah I’ll likely take another crack at WM2 because it’s been 20 years since the last time.