The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 02.11.84

The Smark Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 02.11.84

There’s an episode of All American in the playlist before this one, but it seems like it was a recap show more than anything.

Taped from Allentown, PA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mean Gene

Meanwhile, back in MSG, Hulk Hogan does the famous champagne celebration after winning the WWF title for the first time, with Andre dumping the booze on him in a bit that was supposed to be leading to a match at Shea Stadium in August but was wisely delayed for a couple of more years.

The Iron Sheik v. Ken Jugan

This is supposed to be Sgt. Slaughter’s match, but Sheiky Baby comes out to wave the Iranian flag and show his disdain for the USA. So with Slaughter and Sheik beefing over the mixup, the ref tells Slaughter to leave and Sheik takes the match. Vince is no help here, just as confused as everyone else. But Sarge decides to watch from the aisle, just in case Sheik expresses his freedom of speech in a way that he doesn’t agree with, as all good Americans should do. Sheik puts Jugan down with a back elbow and slams him for IRAN, and the crowd really dislikes this. Sheik with a wicked belly to belly and that finishes at 2:18. And Sheik reminds us again that Iran is #1, in case we were unaware of the rating system in use here.

Sgt Slaughter chats with Mean Gene about what he was just watching, and although he’s called a lot of people maggots in his time, Blassie and Sheik are the BIGGEST MAGGOTS OF THEM ALL and he’s sick of his fellow Marines falling victim to the Iranians. So in order to settle the Iranian hostage situation once and for all, he wants a match on TV NEXT WEEK. Man if only we could settle all of the world’s sociopolitical troubles that way. Also this was an incredible babyface turn and Slaughter was instantly red hot.

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff v. Steve Lombardi

Orndorff nails Steve with a kneelift and tosses him, and then hauls him back in for a clothesline that gets two, and then picks him up and adds the Piledriver for the pin at 1:00. Vince notes that Paul is “not so wonderful when it comes to the treatment of his opponents.” That sounds like slander to me.

Mr. Fuji & Tiger Chung Lee v. Andre the Giant & Ivan Putski

I don’t like the chances on the heel side here. Also Vince notes that Andre is in a bad mood so I’m rubbing my hands in anticipation like the guy in the meme. Fuji and Tiger double-team Putski in the corner right away and put the boots to him, and Andre comes in to protest and that allows more double-teaming. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THIS MAN MAD? He’s going to headbutt you very hard. And indeed Andre has had enough and comes in and rams them together in very annoyed fashion, and then wallops Lee, prompting the heels to walk out on the match at 2:53. Can you blame them? Vince calls Andre “the most extraordinary box office attraction of all time”, which seems a bit insulting to CM Punk but whatever.

Tito Santana joins Mean Gene to discuss the upcoming Texas Death Match with Don Muraco in LA, as he defends his newly won Intercontinental title, which is again weird because he was literally winning the title in Boston on the night this aired in that market. I feel like I need Doc Brown with the chalkboard for this one. Also Masked Superstar challenges Hulk Hogan for the WWF title, and he notes that the belt is a hot potato right now that no one can hold onto for long. Well that was mostly the Sheik, to be fair.

Back from the break, Hulk Hogan does a very Hulk Hogan promo about his upcoming defense, and Captain Lou claims that the tape of Muraco “losing” the title was lost and so there’s no proof it actually happened. Also known as the Rockers Defense.

Greg Valentine v. Rudy Diamond

Greg drops elbows on Diamond’s back while working on a leglock, and we get a drop-in voiceover from the Fink selling tickets for the LA show tonight. He notes that although Muraco is challenging Tito Santana for the Intercontinental title, people are saying that Muraco is favored so maybe buy a ticket and you might see a title change. Wait, wait, are you saying wrestling might not be on the up-and-up? I’m SHOCKED. Backdrop suplex and figure-four finishes at 1:38. Or as Gene calls it, “the old Indian deathlock”.

Piper’s Pit with special guest Dr. D. Piper notes that David has been asking for fights with Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas, but they’re both developing crippling injuries that prevent them from fighting. David notes that he rassled in the AWA for a long time and no one wanted to fight him there, and now he’s in the dubya-dubya-eff and he’s got the same problem again because no one wants to fight him! Well maybe a reporter might.

Tito Santana v. Israel Matia

So although Tito had the belt in the drop-in interview segment for LA, and the voiceovers all talked him being the champion earlier in the show, he doesn’t have the belt here and there’s no mention from Vince & Gene, because this would have been taped well before he won it. Because wrestling. Can you imagine if other sports had this kind of problem? Like if the New Jersey Knicks won the Super Bowl at a taping two weeks before the press conference talking about it. Flying forearm finishes for Tito at 2:33. Unfortunately the replay shows Tito missing the forearm by a foot. Also Mean Gene continues his tradition of calling the finisher something completely different, dubbing it a flying bodypress.

Rowdy Roddy Piper & Dr. D v. Frankie Williams & John Callahan

In ring debut for Piper here, as Vince is skeptical of the in-ring prowess of Piper. Piper does an amazing disrobing sequence, irritating the crowd just by existing, and then he blitzes the jobbers and brings in Dr. D. Meanwhile I’m really excited by the Fink running down tonight’s card in LA, as Tony Atlas faces feared striker Suitable Opposition! He’s got my ticket for that one. Piper with a gut wrench suplex on Callahan and that gets two, and he slugs away in the corner and then picks him up with a two handed choke and then goes over and beats the hell out of Franie Williams for good measure. Back to Dr. D, and they double-team him some more because Piper gets the sleeper to finish things off at 2:56. Oh man Piper looked like a STAR here and completely overshadowed Schultz, and that’s no small accomplishment.

Also how unfair was it that we never got to see Dr. D v. Mr. T?

Butcher Vachon v. Sal Bellomo

Oh man I thought Bellomo was jettisoned as soon as Vince Jr took over. Butcher puts the boots to Bellomo, but Sal fights back while Vince promises that next week will be one of the GREATEST MATCHES EVER ON TV between Sheik and Slaughter. Butcher rakes the back and chops Sal down, and then chokes him down, but Bellomo gets the mule kick and cradles for the pin at 2:39. Gene notes that this is “shades of Farmer Marlin”. Who? Have I mentioned lately how terrible Gene is at this job?

NEXT WEEK: SGT SLAUGHTER V. THE IRON SHEIK! Everything else will pale in comparison, Vince promises!

Goddamn I love this show.