The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 01.18.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Championship Wrestling – 01.18.86

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY, on 12.17.85

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

King Tonga, Junkyard Dog & Ricky Steamboat v. Joe Mirto, Barry O & Mr. X

Barry gets worked over in the babyface corner, but it’s over to the dreaded MISTER X, who beats on Steamboat in the corner and chokes him out. Barry O keeps distracting the ref to allow the cheating to continue, and X takes Steamboat down with a headlock. They keep triple-teaming Steamboat while Vince busts on the terrible refereeing job. Man, they might as well just let Mr. X referee the match! What’s the worst that could happen? JYD finishes Mirto with a headbutt at 3:30, despite all the egregious heel tactics.

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES!

Alfred invites us back to SNME, for an “extraordinary, touching and incredulous” incident that they have on tape, which turns out to be George Steele being in love in Elizabeth.

Meanwhile, Ted Arcidi sets the world bench press record at 705 pounds, which Vince is sure no one will ever come close to beating. Oh yeah, what about a little wrestler named DINO BRAVO?

Ted Arcidi v. Joe Williams

Arcidi is built like a literal LJN wrestling figure. Bruno notes, NOT TO BRAG MIND YOU, that he once lifted 565 pounds in the 60s. I think it’s OK to brag about that. Arcidi beats this goof down and hits him with a press slam while Vince is incredulous about Bruno setting lifting records while only weighing 240 pounds. Look, the 60s were a different time. Arcidi slams Williams again and walks around holding a headlock because he doesn’t seem to know what else to do, and then hits a pathetic powerslam for the pin at 2:30, barely even able to get his own body weight over. And after this 2 minute squash, Ted is sucking wind. And Vince kept this guy around the roster for like a YEAR!

Hulk Hogan joins Mean Gene to talk about facing Adrian Adonis at the Cow Palace. So we’re on the San Fran version of the show, I see. Also Hulk is VERY DISAPPOINTED in the conduct of Adrian lately.

Peace Match: Nikolai Volkoff v. Corporal Kirchner

From SNME, in what was billed as scientific match. Notable of course for the referee, a young Dean Malenko, who I suspect knows a few more scientific holds than both guys combined. Kirchner controls with a headlock, but Volkoff counters with a scientific wristlock, and the Corporal powers out of that. Rollup gets one and Volkoff offers a handshake of peace, but Kirchner takes him down with a hammerlock and gets a small package for two. So finally Volkoff gets as sick of the match as I am and gets a cheapshot on the ropes, and then necks him on the top rope and drops a knee for the pin at 4:24. We were promised HIGHLIGHTS and they made me sit through the entire shitty match.

Randy Savage joins Mean Gene wearing his HULK WHO? shirt, and then brings in Elizabeth to tell us that Macho is the best before telling her to get lost again. Also Tito Santana is an underdog going into their title match. Can’t disagree.

Meanwhile, we get clips from Land of 1000 Dances so you can write in and vote for “Best Personality” in the song, with the choices being Bobby Heenan, Hillbilly Jim, Johnny V and Nikolai Volkoff. Gee I wonder who the biased fans will vote for?

Adorable Adrian Adonis v. Jim Powers

Yup, it’s the in-ring debut of the newly flowered Adonis, which the fans immediately hate. Vince notes that he’s finally embracing his true self. Adonis stalls for a minute and then destroys Powers and finishes with a DDT at 2:00.

Piper’s Pit with special guest Hercules Hernandez. He’s sick of facing bums and wants to face the likes of Tito Santana or Hulk Hogan! Blassie claims that you can tie two cars together and he’ll hold them and prevent them from driving apart. How would a Greek legend even know what a car is?

Bret Hart v. Don Driggers

Vince thinks that Bret might be the most underrated person in the WWF today. Oh yeah, well if he loves Bret so much why doesn’t he give him a 20 year unbreakable contract, then? Bret, in rare red gear, beats Driggers down and drops the leg, before tossing him to the floor and slamming him out there. Meanwhile Bruno reminisces about Stu Hart, who was apparently a very tough man. Bret with a backbreaker and middle rope elbow to finish at 2:27. I presume this mini-push for Bret was to set up the Steamboat match at WM2 that never happened.

Meanwhile, we learn about Category B at the Slammys, which is “Best Vocal Performance on the Wrestling Album”.

Danny Spivey & Corporal Kirchner v. Ron Shaw & Rick Hunter

The babyfaces should be careful because Hunter will jump in his Veritech fighter and fuck you up if you’re not careful. Shaw works on Spivey’s arm to start, but Danny dropkicks him and goes to an armbar. I should note that Spivey has now switched from his furry boots to a more Hogan-like full yellow outfit. Over to the Corporal, who hits Hunter with a headbutt while his limbs somehow flail out of control, and then Spivey finishes Hunter with a bulldog at 2:34. Kirchner had the coordination of a Stretch Armstrong doll.

Meanwhile, Paul Orndorff smashes through the wall of some kid’s room to sell him a Hulkamania workout set. Hopefully there’s no “vitamins” in that set. Maybe there are and Hulk was using Orndorff as a drug mule? No wonder he wouldn’t answer his phone. Probably paranoid about the feds.

Next week: The match between Randy Savage and George Steele from SNME!