The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault presents: The Story of the Mega Powers

The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault presents The Story of the Mega Powers

Originally written 01.04.26

https://youtu.be/m-gL2-1woow?si=f88Yu3xo8A-CAfZo

Hopefully this documentary will finally tell the REAL STORY of the breakup of the Mega Powers, and not the biased nonsense we usually get that slanders the Macho Man.

We want FAIR AND BALANCED, YEAH!

10.03.87: Randy Savage and Elizabeth do an interview with Mean Gene before SNME, about Macho living in the DANGER ZONE, south of Mars and North of Hell. Honky doesn’t know the difference between a guitar string and a G string, YEAH! Gene: “Haha, that’s funny!” Macho: “No! That’s not funny because it’s serious in the DANGER ZONE!” Sadly the match is clipped to the finish, with Macho hitting the elbow on Honky and the Hart Foundation running in for the DQ and beating the crap out of him. This leads to Honky hitting Savage with the guitar, but Elizabeth throws herself in between them and Honky tells her to get lost. And Honky gets the guitar shot on the second try, which was weird timing because it felt like someone was supposed to be saving him and was too busy doing coke in the dressing room or something. But indeed, Elizabeth returns and brings Hulk Hogan with her, likely after having to offer herself up and showing some cleavage to the man with lust in his eyes. Probably had to pay him $100 for his drug bill as well. Hulk doesn’t work for free, brother. Pro bono doesn’t work for him, brother. But then Hulk makes the save and has the historic Mega Power handshake with Macho Man, immediately shown up and outclassed by an icon way above his pay grade. You can see the jealousy and lust in his eyes even back then. Makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH.

Afterwards, Macho Man officially names the MEGA POWERS and sadly has to listen to Hogan’s rambling bullshit about other galaxies but he still tolerates it because he’s the bigger man. Literally, Hogan was well known for having to stand on a milk crate when Savage was around because he didn’t want it known that he was actually 4 inches shorter than Randy.

03.12.88: Ted Dibiase beats Randy Savage by countout as we lead up to Wrestlemania 4, with Hulk Hogan sticking his big orange nose into Savage’s business again.

Wrestlemania IV: We get the finish of the World title tournament, thankfully so because I can’t take watching that goddamn boring show again, with Hogan cheating and helping Savage win the title via flying elbow and thus conveniently making sure that Macho owes him a favor and knows who made him World champion. The jealousy and anger in Hogan’s eyes burn through the TV screen, even with YouTube’s video compression. Hogan knew that Savage was in his prime and was coming for Hulk’s title, so he deliberately lost it and then engineered the tournament to put it on his supposed best friend so he could watch closely and then put the knife in his back personally when the time was right.

Afterwards, at the press conference, Hulk Hogan makes sure to stick himself into Savage’s victory speech, pointing out that Elizabeth’s plan to go get him from the dressing room was the true turning point. What a narcissistic piece of shit. It was well documented at the time that Hogan demanded 15% of Savage’s pay so that he could get a piece of the action. Probably demanded a piece of Elizabeth’s action too, if you smell what the Rock is cooking. HE WANTED SEX FROM HER IS WHAT I’M SAYING.

07.11.88: Ted Dibiase and Andre the Giant attack Randy Savage during an interview with Mean Gene, and where is supposed best friend Hulk Hogan to save him? NOWHERE. Probably prepping for his Arsenio Hall interview. But then the next week, Savage brings him out to be his tag team partner for Summerslam 88 despite all the evidence already piling up about Hulk lusting after his manager. In fact, it was well documented at the time that boys in the dressing room advised Randy to keep Elizabeth locked up in the dressing room when he wasn’t around, because everyone was terrified of Hulk Hogan lusting after her. Anyway, we get a promo from the Event Center at the time, with Hogan and Savage both oiled up to the point where Andre would slap them both around if he was in the same room with them. It was probably Hogan’s idea because he wanted to annoy Andre and throw Savage under the bus, if we’re being honest.

08.08.88: Randy Savage appears on the Brother Love show for another Mega Handshake with Hogan, who really had no reason to be out there, and they bully Brother Love as Hulk claims to love all his little Hulkamaniacs. HULK IN THE EPSTEIN FILES CONFIRMED. Savage demands that Hulk slam Andre during the tag team match, although of course Hulk was unable to perform that night and couldn’t pull it off. Because he’s all talk.

Then we get another Event Center, as Savage wants Hogan to set him up to drop the big elbow on Dibiase so they can win the match. As if Hogan would ever let anyone else win the match when he’s in the ring.

Randy Savage v. The Conquistador

From WWF Superstars, as Macho does a rare TV appearance and squashes the masked man while Jesse Ventura puts out a theory that the Conquistadors are actually the Hebners under masks. If only that was the wildest conspiracy theory he ever spewed. Macho finishes him off with the flying elbow and Hogan beats up the other guy for absolutely no reason besides the power trip and thrill he gets from hurting innocent people. And whose music plays after Macho’s win? ONE GUESS.

Then we get another Event Center, as Hulk spews conspiracy nonsense about Jesse Ventura getting all fat and taking money from Ted Dibiase to show favoritism in the upcoming match. Does he have PROOF for any of this malarky? NO. Also Hulk talks about seeing Liz in a polka dot bikini and getting all worked up and hot during his workout. Disgusting.

08.27.88: On WWF Superstars, the Mega Powers talk about what happens when people “take the payoff before doing the job”. Sounds like a veiled threat to other wrestlers to me. Hulk accuses everyone of being paid off, from the referee to the timekeeper to the guys setting up the ring. Is he fucking high or something? Hulk talks Macho into pimping out Elizabeth to distract the heels based on his gaslighting nonsense about “paid off” officials. If everyone is paid off by Dibiase, then why wouldn’t corrupt old Jack Tunney have let him keep the World title that Andre won for him? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! Also Hulk talks about how he wants Liz to take off her skirt to distract Andre, in sickening and lurid details. Chris Hansen should do a sting operation about wrestlers lusting after their best friend’s manager. STARRING HULK HOGAN.

Summerslam 88: Hogan manages to put aside his insane jealousy of Macho Man long enough to live out his fantasy of having Elizabeth strip for him, although you can tell that she’s terrified of consequences if she doesn’t do as she’s told by Pimp Hogan. I’m hip to the streets, I know what goes on. It’s well documented at the time that the character of Slick was based on Hogan pimping out the women backstage. And of course who gets the winning pin on Dibiase even after Savage dropped the flying elbow? HULK HOGAN. Who got to pick the matching color scheme for the team? HULK HOGAN. Makes me sick. What an unbelievable egomaniac.

11.12.88: The Mega Powers reform again, to deal with the Twin Towers this time, and we get a promo from them on WWF Superstars about holding hands on Venice Beach with Hillbilly Jim and Hercules and Koko B. Ware and doing a seance until they were struck with lightning bolts from above. Wait, they were struck with lightning while standing in water on the beach? And they were all joined by a chain from Hercules? How are they not dead? What a fucking liar Hogan is. That story doesn’t even make scientific sense! Also they’re now inducting Hercules into their weird cult after “saving him from slavery”, but you’ll note that Hogan is all too happy to have Koko working for him. Probably for no pay.

This leads to the Brother Love Show, as Randy Savage appears solo and Brother Love notes that Liz isn’t going to be able to save him this time. But of course Hogan butts into the interview because he doesn’t even trust Macho to do a promo without him micromanaging it. And we get another promo from the team leading up to Survivor Series, still talking about getting hit by lightning while standing in the water and holding large metal chains. This is sounding like religious cult stuff now, with Hogan’s crew of bootlicking sycophants pledging support to an immortal orange gaslighting god.

Survivor Series 88: The main event comes down to Randy Savage facing Haku while Hogan is handcuffed to the ropes, and as usual the World champion is made to look like a helpless damsel in distress with no ability to defend himself without Hogan’s “gracious” assistance. And who gets to win the match by himself yet again? HULK HOGAN. And who doesn’t even check on his clearly injured partner because he has to immediately pose and get ego gratification? HULK HOGAN. And who immediately puts his filthy hands all over Elizabeth without her consent and picks her up for an uncomfortable “hug”? HULK HOGAN.

01.07.89: Hogan faces Akeem on SNME and now has taken Elizabeth as his manager. Did anyone ask her? So the match sees the Twin Towers bumping the ref and double-teaming Hulk, while Savage watches from backstage and has 100% confidence in Hogan’s ability to defend himself and make his own comeback. Sadly, Liz is so brainwashed by Hulk’s crap that she goes to get Macho Man, interrupting his viewing party despite Hulk clearly making his own comeback, JUST LIKE MACHO SAID HE WOULD! MACHO MAN WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING! If I can only impart one lesson from this documentary, that would be it. And Liz goes to tend to Hogan, because of the weird Stockholm Syndrome shit that’s going on between them. Afterwards, they do a promo and as usual Hogan won’t shut the fuck up and let Macho Man talk. And when he finally gets to talk, he has to deliver a nonsense promo about how he feels all the same pain that Hogan does in the ring because he’s somehow an extension of Hogan instead of a grown ass World champion.

01.21.89: Randy Savage faces Akeem and on WWF Superstars and of course, Hogan doesn’t give Macho any chance to win on his own and immediately runs in to “rescue” Savage as soon as there’s the slightest bit of trouble for him. Savage thankfully has moved onto his own color scheme again. Then they appear on the Brother Love Show together to clear up rumors of trouble between them, in what was their final appearance as a united team.

The Main Event: The Mega Powers team one last time, as Macho gets thrown out of the ring and Elizabeth heroically puts herself in the way to try and break his fall. And it works! But Hogan naturally goes over to grope her on national TV and probably wanted to do CPR so he could rip her dress open and give her “mouth to mouth”. And Hogan of course has to micromanage the EMTs who get paid to do first aid, leaving his so-called “best friend” to get double-teamed by the Twin Towers and probably get him softened up for when he turned on Savage to steal the title back. The only thing more painful than Liz’s bump is Hogan’s acting. But of course, despite Savage having the match under control by himself, Hulk has to saunter out after 10 minutes in the EMT room, playing the big hero. And Savage gives him exactly what he deserves, A SLAP TO THE FACE. He should have done that months ago! Hulk whines and cries because Savage takes his rightful title belt and leaves, mostly because Hogan was plotting to get that title for himself and we all know it. And back in the dressing room, Savage calmly explains the situation to Elizabeth, the only one making sense in this, and when Hogan can’t read the room and give them some space, Savage has NO CHOICE but to hit him with the belt after laying bare all the jealousy in Hogan’s eyes. HOW DARE THEY MAKE SAVAGE NUMBER THREE IN THE MEGA POWERS? It still makes me sick the disrespect shown to Macho Man the whole time. BE A MAN, HULK. And then Brutus Beefcake sticks his stupid fringed pants into their business too and Savage kicks his ass too to end the video. I love that they don’t dignify all the obvious bullshit and gaslighting done by Hogan by showing his cheap and tainted “win” at Wrestlemania V! We go out as it should be, with Macho Man triumphant and on top of the WWF as champion of the World, and Hogan a beaten man, exposed as the lecherous swine that we all knew he was all along.

Like I said, fair and balanced.