The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault presents The Best of Haku

The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault presents The Best of Haku

Originally written 02.01.26

HOW COULD I NOT? The man’s got like 7 children running around WWE right now, so let’s celebrate the legacy of “The World’s Toughest Man”.

https://youtu.be/vVL9mG4tzu4?si=W6H78po_XXhQ9kjv

Big John Studd v. King Tonga

From MSG 06.14.86. I’ve probably done this one before but the show isn’t in my archives so HUZZAH! This stems from Tonga slamming Studd on WWF TV, although it was deemed to be “not an official slam” and so Heenan refused to pay the $15,000. So now we have an official match and if Tonga gets that slam, he should get the money. Studd slams Tonga at the bell and puts the boots to him on the ropes. Lord Alfred wonders who can actually stand up to Big John, but Gorilla suggests that Andre the Giant is the guy. Yeah, but AKSHULLY, Studd did challenge Andre and he no-showed the match and got suspended! That’s the whole storyline running at that point. Tonga goes for a pair of slams but Studd grabs the ropes and gets his own slam for two. Studd with a chinlock, but Tonga fights back with superkicks and chops as Studd staggers. Tonga tries a third slam and this time Studd goes dead weight and falls over the top rope, taking Tonga with him. They slug it out on the floor and fight to a double countout at 3:53. Pretty fast paced match for the short time they got. **1/2. And they continue just laying in the leather on each other in the aisle, fighting until referees finally split them up, with Tonga demanding that Studd come see him for more dancing. And Studd declines. But then he changes his mind and pushes Bobby aside to continue the brawl and they lay it in again until Tonga headbutts him out of the ring, and finally Studd decides to call it off at this point. This was some great old fashioned wrestling stuff.

Rick Martel v. Haku

From MSG 08.22.87, a show that I reviewed many years ago on WWE 24/7 but not since. This is shortly after the formation of STRIKE FORCE, as Tito Santana joins Martel at ringside to offset Tama, but he doesn’t even have his matching tights yet! Hopefully he gets some soon. I’m sure he’ll get a lot of use out of them. But then both Tito and Tama get sent back, and Haku attacks at the bell. Martel hits him with a bodypress for two and slugs away before giving him the ear-ringer. Haku catches him with a kick, however, and beats on him with Tongan martial arts to take over. Rick gets a rana for two and slugs away on the mat, and drops a knee for two. But then he misses a blind charge and Haku hits him with the superkick and drops a leg on him for two. Haku with a gut wrench and he headbutts Martel’s back and goes to a rear chinlock. So this actually gives us one of those interesting moments that only wrestling can provide, as Duke Doherty is making his atrocious debut as a color commentator on this show, being a complete cartoon character the whole time. But Gorilla asks him if he’s really retired now, and Duke drops character for a bit, notes that he promised to retire if he won another match in Boston, and once that happened he was a man of his word and hung it up. And then Gorilla gently notes that both he and Lord Alfred are part of the retired club as well and welcomes him into it. Wrestling is just the best. Martel fights out and Haku drops him with a back suplex for two. Rick fights back with forearms and gets a crossbody out of the corner, and that gets two. Haku flings him to the floor and Martel takes a nice bump off that, allowing Haku to suplex him back into the ring for two. Haku slugs away and runs him into the corner, but Martel fights back until Haku gets a clothesline. He goes up and misses a diving headbutt, allowing Martel to make the comeback and dropkick him. Kneelift follows and he takes Haku down with a monkey flip out of the corner, but he tries another rana and Haku drops him on the top turnbuckle facefirst and gets two. Big splash gets two. Haku chokes away on the ropes, but Tama sneaks in and hits Martel with a chair behind the ref’s back, and Haku gets the pin at 9:19. Martel’s babyface fire was INCREDIBLE and I’m kind of sad that he spent so long as a prancing heel after this era. Anyway this was GREAT. ***1/2

Strike Force v. The Islanders

From MSG 09.21.87. This allows me to bring up my complicated history with Strike Force, as all the wrestling nerds at school were deeply into the Can-Am Connection back in 1987, and suddenly Tom Zenk was out and Ted McGinley’d by Tito Santana and we didn’t like it. Also, the Hart Foundation had managed to redeem themselves as awesome tag team champions and we all really liked THEM too, so Martel & Santana were 0 for 2 as a team in our eyes after beating them for the titles out of nowhere. Now of course we know Tito was like 15x the worker that Zenk was at the time, and not a whiny little manchild, and thus was an immediate upgrade in the ring. We were young and didn’t appreciate the greatness we had, what can I say? They all brawl to the tune of GIRLS IN CARS and Strike Force strikes with lightning force and clears the ring to start. Tama taunts Rick on the apron, so Martel slingshots him into the ring and Tama goes flying three quarters of the way across the ring and lands facefirst on the mat. That was GREAT. The Islanders bail and regroup again, but Martel goes to work on Tama in the corner and it’s over to Tito, who starts on the arm. Tama whips him away, so Tito hits him with a clothesline on the rebound and that gets two. Over to Haku and he hits Martel with a cheapshot, but Martel gets a clothesline for two. Strike Force with a double clothesline and that gets two for Tito. Tito with a backslide for two and he goes back to the arm while Heenan has a conniption at ringside and Gorilla laughs at his pain. Haku tries some karate and Tito ducks it and takes him down with another armdrag, so finally Tama comes off the top with a chop behind the ref’s back and the Islanders take over. Tama drops a fist and puts the boots to Santana before hitting a back elbow. Islanders choke out Tito with the tag rope in the corner and work him over before Haku goes to a facelock and Tama switches in for a nerve pinch, and then Haku beats him down and hits the thrust kick and BY GOD is Tito’s selling just fantastic. Haku misses a senton and it’s HOT TAG Martel as Tito does the most dramatic lunge you’ll ever see, rising from the dead and in immense pain. Martel yanks Tama out of the corner for two and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as the Islanders collide in the middle. Martel with a rollup on Tama, but Haku clobbers him for what would normally be the winning pin. But in this case, we keep going with Martel as babyface in peril #2, and Haku beats the poutine out of him. Tama comes in and does the Sama Joe dodge of a flying bodypress, making sure to fix his hair as a punctuation of his intelligence, but he misses his own bodypress and we get a false tag. Haku drops a headbutt on Martel behind the ref’s back, shoves Tama out of the ring, and gets the pin at 14:10. To be honest I would have just done the finish off the rollup spot but this match still ruled. ***1/2

Unfortunately we skip the entire King Haku era, arguably the peak of his singles career, and move onto…

Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers

From Wrestlemania VII, a show I haven’t watched in a while. Haku works a headlock on Shawn to start and whips him around the ring, but they criss-cross into a shoulderblock from Shawn. The Rockers clear the ring with double superkicks, but Barbarian goes to work on Marty to take over. Marty comes back with a sunset flip and tries a rana, but Barbarian is too thick, so Shawn helps out with a dropkick. Haku comes in and chops away on Marty, but Marty wants the rana spot again, so this time Barbarian is one step ahead and drops Marty on the top rope to break it up. That’s why they’re managed by The Brain. They work Marty over in the corner and Barbarian gets a press slam. Marty with a crossbody for two, but Haku gets a backbreaker for two and Barbarian adds a clothesline. “Jannetty with a glazed look in his eye” notes Gorilla. I think that’s just his natural state. Barbarian with the bearhug and Marty fights out of it, but Barbarian catches him with a powerslam. Barbie goes up and misses a diving headbutt, and it’s hot tag Shawn. He’s a house of fire and hits Haku with a back elbow before slugging away in the corner and follows with a bodypress on Barbarian. Neckbreaker gets two. Marty clotheslines Haku and the Rockers dump Barbarian and go up with a missile dropkick from Marty into a bodypress from Shawn to finish at 10:33. The crowd was MOLTEN for this one. ***1/2

Haku v. The British Bulldog

This is from the Wrestlefest ’91 video, more specifically a Challenge taping in February of 1991. Bulldog flips out of a wristlock while Lord Alfred and Sean Mooney discuss Sean’s surprising history as a rugby player. Or maybe it was his twin brother Ian Mooney? Bulldog slams out of an armbar and gets a sleeper, but Haku flips out of it. So Bulldog takes him down with an armbar. Haku with an atomic drop and a piledriver for two. Bulldog defensively rolls to his stomach, so Haku yanks the hair and beats him down with chops. Haku with his own sleeper, but Bulldog fights out with a crossbody for two. Haku misses a dropkick and Bulldog comes back with a backdrop and back elbow for two. Bulldog puts his head down and Haku kicks him down, but Bulldog gets a crucifix to finish at 7:40. A good match, but the contrast between the 87 stuff and this era of Haku is striking. ***

WCW US title tournament final: Meng v. Sting

From Great American Bash 95, as we’re off to the WCW era. Honestly I would have been happy with 2 hours of Islanders and King Haku deep cuts but I guess some people enjoyed WCW in 1995. Meng threatens him with kicks as Tony has the nerve to compare “the mystique of Renegade” to that of Meng. I think Renegade’s “mystique” was the smell of sweaty ballsack, if we’re being honest. Meng with a choke in the corner and he puts the boots to Sting, but Sting slugs back and Meng won’t go down. Col Parker brings him to the floor for some advice. That advice: “Have about 18 children and get as many of them as possible to be over 6 feet tall”. Sound advice. Meng with some shots back in the ring, but Sting goes after Col Parker and gets knocked off the apron. Meng continues beating him down with kicks outside, and back in for a powerbomb that gets two. That was a sit-out powerbomb, the man should be dead. There you go, a little blast from the running joke past. Meng with a shoulderbreaker for two and he goes to the nerve pinch. “Give it to him good and hard now, he belongs to you!” notes Parker in the tone of a man watching from a chair in a hotel room. Sting tries a sunset flip and Meng pokes him in the eye to break and stomps him down for another nerve pinch. Sting fights out and they fight over a backslide, but they collide in the corner for a double down. Meng goes up with a diving headbutt for two. Sting makes the comeback with a bulldog and they fight to the floor, where Sting runs him into the post and gets rid of Parker. Back in the ring, Sting with the Scorpion Deathlock, and Meng powers out of it. So Sting clips the knee and goes up with a flying clothesline, and then a flying splash for two. Jumping DDT gets the pin and the US title at 13:32. Decent but pretty dull, as they were trying to transition Meng from silent bodyguard to asskicking monster and the crowds weren’t buying him at that level. ***

The Faces of Fear v. Eddie Guerrero & Chris Jericho

From WCW Monday Nitro, 02.24.97. Jericho throws chops on Barbarian in the corner and follows with a dropkick off the middle rope, and Eddie slingshots in with a senton for two. But Barbarian launches him into the air for a facebuster and the FOF go to work on him in the corner. Meng with the POWERBOMB, with mustard on it, and Eddie fights back with a headscissors and it’s back to Jericho. He hits a senton for two, but Barbarian knees him from the apron and Meng drops him with a back suplex. To the top and Barbarian tosses him all the way across the ring with an overhead suplex, and that gets two. Jericho with a rollup for two and it’s over to Meng for some chops. Jericho springs out of the corner with a crossbody for two, but Meng stomps him down and chokes him out. Meng backdrops Jericho into a Barbarian powerbomb for two. Jericho comes back with a springboard moonsault and makes the hot tag to Eddie. They hit Barbarian with a double suplex, but Jericho tries the Lionsault and Dean Malenko trips him up, and then shoves Eddie into Barbarian’s KICK OF FEAR for the pin at 7:20. Shockingly good match here. ***

Meng v. Jerry Flynn

From Nitro, 03.15.99. Meng is now fully into his puffy pants era, and he catches a kick from Flynn and slams him.. They trade chops in the corner and Meng beats him down with headbutts and hits him with a powerslam. Jerry takes him down with an anklelock, but Meng makes the ropes and piledrives him for two. Meng with a shoulderbreaker as fans at ringside have a sign for “TATE”, which I’m assuming represents their love of vertically orientated arcade games. Flynn with a Thesz Press and he goes for the armbar, but Meng rolls him off and finishes with the TONGAN DEATH GRIP at 4:12. Your standard Meng squash. *1/2

WCW Hardcore title: Meng v. Terry Funk v. Crowbar

From WCW Sin 2001, and we are immediately into the bathroom backstage with Funk dropping a garbage can of trash on Crowbar and running him into the stalls. Not that kind of stall you usually got from WCW at this time. Meng attacks them both with a mop and bucket and beats Funk down with a rubber can as the lighting is terrible and you can’t make out anything going on. So they fight into the arena and take turns running each other into the doors before Funk and Crowbar dump tables on Meng and Crowbar gets two. We get the federally mandated fire extinguisher spray in the face of Funk and Crowbar puts him on a handy table and then dives off a balcony to put him through. But then returns from his pile of tables and takes Crowbar to the stage for a beating up there before superkicking him down the ramp. But then Funk returns with a guardrail and a snow shovel and slams Meng on the railing. Into the ring, Crowbar beats Funk down with a chair and Pillmanizes the knee with a slingshot splash. Meng returns again, goes to the top rope, and splashes Crowbar to set up a piledriver for two. Funk saves, so Meng splashes him for two. So Funk & Crowbar team up and smash chairs on his head for two. But then Meng superkicks the chair into Crowbar’s face, applies the TONGAN DEATH GRIP on Funk, and pins him to win or retain the title or whatever the deal was at 11:12. I mean, this was every WCW Hardcore match you’ve ever seen in your life. **. Hilariously, WCW put the Hardcore title on Meng here and had him beat two guys single-handedly, so you’d think he was under contract. But we sure discovered otherwise two weeks later when he showed up, as the WCW Hardcore champion, in the Royal Rumble match. Before they had even bought the company! Because WCW.

This was like another wonderful mixtape from the 90s and I’m here for it. Recommended!