The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault presents New Generation’s Most Colorful Characters

The SmarK Rant for The New Generation’s Most Colorful Characters

Originally written 07.07.25

OK so this is a 90 minute compilation posted to the WWE Vault and it’s like catnip to my soul.

https://youtu.be/ZDsawDf-hbA?si=LlXdp3pv68iW6Kut

First up, Men on a Mission’s debut vignette, with Oscar rapping and actually being semi-coherent.

Men on a Mission v. Dwayne Gill & Barry Hardy

From WWF Superstars, November 1994. Mo hits Hardy with a legdrop, but Gill attacks from behind and Mo lays him out as well with a spinebuster, but Gill trips up Mo from the outside and the heels work him over. Gill and Hardy are dressed like a couple of Outrunner ripoffs here, I should point out. Mabel comes in and lays out both geeks with his girth before dumping Hardy to the floor. They squash Gill in the corner and Mabel finishes with a middle rope splash at 3:57.

Adam Bomb v. Bert Centino

From All American Wrestling in 1994, as this is the debut of Mr. Bomb. He beats on Bert in the corner and follows with a sideslam. I still wanna know what the gag with “292.5 pounds” is. Bomb chokes him out on the ropes and then tosses him out to the floor, and back in with a slingshot clothesline and powerbomb to finish at 2:35. I should note Bill Dunn pronounced his name as “Atom Bomb” here.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley runs down the riff-raff and lowbrow clods in the WWF and promises to teach them all how to be gentlemen.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Buck Zumhofe

Speaking of someone who needs life lessons. We’re on the Action Zone for this one. Buck is hopefully getting lots of action in prison from all the other inmates raping him. It’s actually kind of gross that they’re even giving Buck exposure on these compilations when there’s a million other Hunter squashes they could use. Hunter beats him down and hits him with a forearm, and then follows with a leg lariat. Buck fights back, but Hunter puts him down with a cutter and pins him at 2:13. Definitely early in Hunter’s run if he’s using that as a finisher. Still hoping for Buck to debut his new finish, the Wrist Cutter, so he can do everyone a favor.

Mantaur v. Walter Slow

From Superstars. Mantaur works him over in the corner and hits him with a pretty nice belly to belly suplex. Slow comes back with some dropkicks, but Mantaur catches him and hits him with a front powerslam and a splash to finish at 1:35. I mean, aside from the gimmick being all time dumb, this wasn’t the worst squash I’ve ever seen.

Goldust gives us an update from Hollywood with an early vignette where his makeup and wig weren’t quite what they turned into by his debut.

Goldust v. Marty Jannetty

From In Your House IV. Ugh, Goldust’s music is just the opening bars repeated on a VERY ANNOYING loop for his entire entrance. Thank god Jim Johnston redid it into a full version later on. Jannetty attacks him and chases him to the floor. Back in the ring, Jim Ross has to pretend like he doesn’t know who Dustin Rhodes is, and Goldust blocks a rollup and then rolls through a rana and shoves Marty around. Marty slugs him down, but Goldust hits him with a lariat and Marty busts out his 360 flip sell. Goldust whips him into the corner and chops him down for two. To the chinlock as this match somehow keeps getting worse. Goldust puts the boots to him and tosses him for more stomping out there as they need to mercy kill this match like the Winnipeg Jets in the first round of the playoffs. Jannetty runs him into the stairs, but Goldust sends Marty into the post and he does another crazy flipping sell to put him over. Back in the ring with a suplex for two. Marty misses a charge and Goldust DDTs him for two. Jannetty with the Rocker Dropper and he goes up and lands on his feet, and then drops a lame elbow on Goldust for two. Oh my god this is a disaster. I had blocked it out of my mind. Marty goes up again, and this time Goldust remembers to get his foot up for Marty to land on it, and a gourdbuster finally finishes this mess at 11:15. Holy crap how did Goldust continue getting work after this? ¼*

Bertha Faye v. La Pantera Serena

From RAW in 1995 with the storyline that, one could argue, helped kill off the entire WWF women’s division for years. Bertha hits Serena with a hip attack while Vince and Jerry make fat jokes, and Bertha misses a splash. Serena goes up and tries a bodypress but that goes WAY south as Vince notes “Little bit of a lack of communication there” and a pissed off Bertha throws her around. Bertha with a legdrop and corner splash, and a powerbomb and press slam finish at 3:53.

Waylon Mercy talks to us about what a peaceful individual he is, know what he means?

Waylon Mercy v. Jeff Hardy

It’s Mercy’s debut from RAW in July 1995, as Vince apparently saw Cape Fear on TV and thought that ripping off Max Cady with Dan Spivey was a great idea. Mercy hits young Hardy with an overhead suplex and faceplants him. He drops Jeff on the top rope and follows with a sideslam for one and a legdrop for one. Brainbuster and a sleeper finish at 3:00 as Mercy gets a psychotic look on his face. We’ve covered this ground before, but Spivey was great playing the gimmick and yet his body was so shot that you could see him struggling just to move around the ring here. It just wasn’t gonna work.

Phantasio v. Tony Devito

Another famous squash from Wrestling Challenge, as Memphis gimmick worker Del “Spellbinder” Rios gets a one-time tryout on TV and then never returned. Before the match he pulls tinsel from his mouth with MAGIC and then gives it to some poor kid at ringside. Lucky him. Next up, he shoots MAGIC silly string at Devito and Tony is so freaked out by this that he runs away in terror. Phantasio with some slams and then uses MAGIC to pull Devito’s underwear out and then rolls him up for the pin at 2:10. And much like any other magician, now you see him, now you don’t.

Henry Godwinn introduces us to his hog farm.

Henry Godwinn v. Nick Barberri

From Superstars in 1995, as he pounds Barberri down and hits him with a lariat. I’m not 100% sure what the gimmick is supposed to be at this point but he seems to working vaguely heel. Slop Drop finishes at 1:30.

The Goon v. Dan Jesser

From RAW in 1996, as Bill Irwin was 100% committed to this gag for the first couple of matches and then everyone just stopped giving a shit, himself included. He drops the gloves and beats Jesser down and follows with a back elbow. Jesser fights back and takes the Goon down to work the arm while the brawling Goon is unable to counter any basic wrestling holds. Goon hits him with a running knee in the corner while the announcers make stupid hockey “jokes”. At least I can buy Mr. Perfect as a legit hockey fan because he’s from Minnesota and that’s practically Canada. Vince? Not so much. Goon puts him down with a cross check and then runs him out to the floor and takes a run at him, hitting him a clear boarding penalty but getting the countout win at 4:31. For what they were trying to do here, it worked, but Irwin ran out of steam quickly.

Dean Douglas gives us a lesson on “knowledge” and rails against plagiarism of term papers. Man I bet he could spot AI from a mile away. He’s not just a teacher, he’s a WWF superstar! He could probably do a mean em dash, too. I mean, to be fair, I use em dashes and I’m not AI last I checked, but I’m also allergic to semi-colons and absolutely refuse to use them. THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID.

Dean Douglas v. The 1-2-3 Kid

From WWF Superstars in 1995. Some guy in the crowd has a sign with a list of three things about Douglas. Maybe he’s AI-generated as well. Douglas gets a slam, but Kid comes back with kicks in the corner and puts Dean on the floor with a leg lariat. Wait a minute, the “1-2-3” Kid? Maybe he’s AI generated as well, since lists of three things are one of the signs! They should call him the A-I Kid I guess. I guess if you’re not down that rabbit hole at the moment this whole run won’t mean anything to you but I assure you that someone finds it HILARIOUS. And if not I’ll just get ChatGPT to rewrite it for me. Kid goes up and misses a senton and we take a break. Back with Douglas holding a chinlock, but Kid fights back until Douglas cuts him off with a neckbreaker for two. Snapmare gets two and he picks up the Kid, and then clotheslines him for another two and picks him up agai. But this brings Razor Ramon down to the ring to stick up for his little buddy, but Kid runs Dean into him and gets a rollup for two. And then Razor runs in for the DQ at 5:38. An OK match. **

Salvatore Sincere v. Dan Jesser

This poor bastard Jesser had to do jobs for the Goon AND Sal Sincere in 1996? Did he owe Vince money or something? So the gimmick of course is that Sincere is in fact NOT sincere in his praise for people, which makes him a bad person. Sounds like a worker to me. Sal with a front powerslam in the corner and he goes up with an elbowdrop, and hits Jesser with a side legsweep before finishing with Sincerely Yours at 2:13.

Thurman Plugg is here, but his friends call him SPARKY! Does Bob Holly have friends? I’m skeptical.

Sparky Plugg v. Barry Horowitz

Back to 1994 for Sparky’s debut. The original form of the gimmick name was so weird because they were trying for the STP pun but they never put it together in that order. It was always Thurman “Sparky” Plugg, which ruins the whole gag. Plugg with armdrags to control Barry and a snap suplex, and he goes up with the OVERHEAD CAM splash to finish at 2:11. Miserable bastard Bob Holly as a plucky babyface will never not be hilarious miscasting.

Jean Pierre Lafitte reminds us of his history as Pierre the Quebecer, but now he’s back…in PIRATE FORM.

Jean Pierre Lafitte v. Scott Taylor

Scott Taylor was a guy doing the lord’s work of putting over all these goofs in this era and he doesn’t get enough credit. He earned every cent of the merch money he got in the Attitude Era. Pierre the Pirate chops away in the corner, but Taylor takes him down and goes to a headlock. JPL with a knee to the gut and he suplexes Taylor on the top rope while Lawler makes horse jokes about Alundra Blayze. Taylor gets tied in the ropes and Lafitte hits him with bodyblocks and a tilt a whirl slam. And he goes up and finishes with the cannonball at 3:50.

Man they could easily do another 90 minutes of this crap. I bet they will. There’s still TONS to choose from. Someone should make a website about all the terrible gimmicks in wrestling.