The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault – 11.09.24

The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault – 11.09.24

Time for a roundup of some stuff from the WWE Vault on YouTube! This week we’ve got the Bret Hart-Hakushi cage match, and…that other thing people keep bugging me about.

Cage match: Bret Hart v. Hakushi

So this is a dark match from a Superstars TV taping in July 1995, with the theory being that it was produced for a Coliseum video release just at the point when they stopped making Coliseum videos and switched over to just releasing In Your House shows instead, which is why it was never used. No commentary for this one, obviously. Bret beats on him in the corner right away, but Hakushi uses some martial arts to fight him off. Hakushi with a kneedrop and he makes the climb, but Bret cuts him off and nearly goes over the top before getting caught and hauled in again. Bret goes TO THE BUCKLE as I channel Vince in my head, and it’s a double down. They fight for the door and Hakushi takes out the leg to stop him and then follows with a cannonball in the corner. Hakushi tries for another climb, but Bret cuts him off with a DDT and it’s another battle for the door. Hakushi takes out the knee again to stop him and they’re both crawling around like it’s a sixty minute Broadway at 5:00 into the match, which is kind of annoying. Bret makes another climb attempt and Hakushi follows him up and takes out the leg again to stop him, hanging him in the Tree of Woe before dropkicking him in the corner. Another crawl for the door as the crowd heat is actually picking up now after a quiet start, but Bret cuts him off and comes back with the backbreaker before missing the middle rope elbow! Man you didn’t see THAT often. Hakushi goes up and misses his own diving headbutt, allowing Bret to hit the atomic drop and lariat, and he makes one more climb to the top, but Hakushi cuts him off again and hauls him down for more punishment in the corner. Hakushi climbs again and Bret pulls him down this time for the dreaded Bret Turnbuckle Bump and things are looking bleak. Hakushi climbs to the top, but Bret cuts him off and brings him down with a superplex off the cage, as both guys are down off that. Bret goes for the door again, and this time he’s able to fall out and win at 12:29. Not sure why this was never used for anything, it was a pretty darn good cage match. ***1/2

Hey you know what else happened in 1995 but WASN’T pretty darn good?

EVERY DUNGEON OF DOOM VIGNETTE

I guess we need some sort of empirical system here to rate these, so we’ll assign two possible ratings based on the quality: “Hot” or “Not Hot”. I leave it up to you to interpret which is which.

– First up, Kevin Sullivan ventures deep into the jungle, heeding the words of The Wizard, who is some kind of disembodied head that only Kevin can see. Luckily, Kevin manages to stumble his way into the layer of the Wizard, who demands total destruction of Hulk Hogan and all his Hulkamaniacs. However, poor Kevin can’t defeat millions of Hulkamaniacs on his own! That would just be crazy. But that’s OK, because the Wizard passes his magic powers onto Kevin while yelling his promo, inspiring Kevin to run into a cave we hadn’t seen yet, and emerge as the TASKMASTER, with a red and yellow tracksuit. IT IS ETCHED IN STONE. Unfortunately the company finances were not. This was HOT.

– Next, Kevin has a refreshing drink from a goblet of dry ice to celebrate, and the Wizard presents him with a warrior who has slain beasts on Mount Kilimanjaro, Kamala! Unfortunately people named Kamala never win so this probably won’t work. Sadly, this was NOT HOT.

– Still in need of warriors, Kevin Sullivan next meets THE SHARK, who has arrived from the tidal waves of the South China Sea with a taste for Hulkamania in his jaws. But when they say “tidal wave” they are not associating him with any kind of natural disaster, WCW’s legal team cannot stress that enough! Sadly “IT IS ETCHED IN STONE” did not get over as a catchphrase for the 90s. This was also NOT HOT.

– I guess Kevin needs more manpower, so next up the Wizard presents him with the Brother of Lightness and Darkness, the mysterious ZODIAC, who only speaks in “Yes” and “No”, somehow ending up as a better promo as a result. NOT HOT.

– Next up, Kevin and the Wizard lure HULK HOGAN into their lair, where THERE’S NO HULKAMANICS HERE. He’s never been here before! IT’S NOT HOT! WHAT IS THIS PLACE? Apparently Hulk does know all about the Zodiac and the Shark and the dangerous Kamala already, but Hulkamania is also etched in stone. There’s a lot of stuff etched in stone in this place. Who had time to etch all that stuff in stone? But of course this reveals the biggest reveal of them all, as THE GIANT bursts out of the stone and chokes Hogan out, laughing like he’s had one too many edibles and left the cat fail video YouTube channel on the TV too long. THIS WAS HOT.

– We get a special guest next! Wizard summons Vader to the cave, who gets to be the one to name the DUNGEON OF DOOM but I bet didn’t get any of the merch money. He FEARS NOTHING! Except Paul Orndorff in flip flops, that shit is TERRIFYING. This was NOT HOT.

– So after leaving in a huff last time, Vader is summoned again, but now he’s got his mask gimmick back and he’s BIG VAN VADER again, with all the powers of the dungeon, but with shitty peripheral vision because of the helmet gimmick. And they all swear on their walking stick that it’s VADER TIME and I’ve gotta believe them. Apparently this is all leading up to Vader destroying Hulk Hogan in the cage match at Bash at the Beach. Could’ve fooled me, I had no idea what the fuck they were all yelling about here. Also Vader can disappear magically too, now. This was NOT HOT.

– So the Taskmaster and Wizard are just chilling in the Dungeon, but Hulk Hogan stops by and demands that they bring the Giant to him! IT IS ETCHED IN STONE! But then Giant appears magically, like everyone seems to do, and tears off Hogan’s cross in a scene that I feel like we’ve seen before. This leads to the Dungeon geeks beating Hogan down, but Vader reappears and makes the save for Hulk for some reason, and then Jimmy Hart is also there for some reason and he gets Hulk the fuck outta there. Clearly this was HOT.

– Moving on, it’s time for WARGAMES and they need another guy to join their team, so naturally they recruit Meng, who missed out on the match last year and is now a cannibal. Even Taskmaster isn’t so sure he can control this guy. Also he’s got a giant crocodile head mask for unexplained reasons. So they do the big class of 1995 photo op and Sullivan tries convincing Hulk that Macho Man turned on him once before and could do it again! Definitely NOT HOT.

– We still haven’t quite made it to Wargames yet, but Meng now has the Golden Spike on his thumb and he’s still wearing the crocodile mask because I guess he’s really comfortable wearing it? NGL he kinda pulls it off. Also the Zodiac feels no pain and doesn’t know the different between right and wrong. Or good and bad gimmicks for that matter. NOT HOT. We’re definitely limping to the finish line with these.

– One last promo after Wargames, as Taskmaster wants THE HOGAN SLAYER, who just to remind you is The Giant, having done stuff to Hogan at Wargames that he was really happy about. Apparently he was expecting Hulk to feel like stone in his hands and instead he got putty. Well I mean, that happens to a lot of guys Hulk’s age. This leads to a lot of yelling and laughing from the Dungeon of Doom. NOT HOT.

– And then the Wizard gives one last promise of destruction, readying THE YETAAAAAAAAAAAAY at Halloween Havoc before disappearing. Well you weren’t gonna top that one anyway. We didn’t actually see THE YETAAAAAAAAAAAAY so this was NOT HOT.

Jesus what a way to spend a Sunday night.