The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2024 – 01.27.24

The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 24 – 01.27.24

Live from St. Petersburg, FL

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves, with special guest Pat McAfee

Women’s Royal Rumble:

Natalya is #1 and Naomi returns from TNA at #2. And they acknowledge her TNA Knockouts title! Naomi misses a charge and Nattie slams her, but Naomi counters with a mule kick. Bayley is #3 at 1:30, but Naomi hits them both with She Calls It The Rear View and everyone is down. Candice LeRae is #4 at 3:30 and she runs wild for a bit, but Bayley cuts her off and they fight in the corners. Jordynne Grace is #5, with the TNA Knockouts belt, at 6:00 as this is already batshit crazy. So she slugs it out with Naomi and everyone fights until Indi Hartwell is #6 at 7:40. She teams up with Candice as the announcers have now retconned 1994 away by noting that there’s never been two winners of the Rumble match before. Gaslighting sons of bitches. Asuka is #7 at 9:15 and she encourages cooperation with Bayley, and she kicks Indi to the apron but can’t butt her out. But Bayley helps out and puts Indi out at 11:05, the first elimination. Ivy Nile is #8 at 11:20 and she has a bad looking run with Naomi as they have trouble with a slam spot and everyone slugs it out on the ropes. Nothing much going on as Katana Chance is #9 at 13:00. She runs wild with gymnastics, but Grace suplexes her to cut her off and we get double delayed suplexes from Grace and Nile. Ivy looks really really really nervous out there. Bianca Belair is #10 at 14:50.

Bianca runs wild with a double neckbreaker on Bayley and Asuka and moonsaults them, but Kairi Sane is #11 at 17:00. The ring is getting piled up and needs something notable soon. Damage Control teams up on Bianca, and they all gang up and get rid of Candice at 19:14. Tegan Nox is #12 at 19:35 and she gets some stuff but no one knows her. Grace cuts her off and tries to powerbomb her out, but Nattie saves for some reason. So Nox tosses her out at 20:59 and Bayley tosses Nox at 21:00. Kayden Carter is #13 at 21:30 and the announcers bust on her for taking so long to get to the ring. Valid. Kayden and Katana throw out Kairi and she hangs onto the apron, but then her feet touch the floor and she’s out at 22:39, followed quickly by Asuka. So that leaves Bayley alone again. Chelsea Green is #14 at 23:25 and Bianca throws her to the apron, and then back in the ring as this year she actually lasts longer than a Bushwhacker. Grace and Belair have a showdown on the apron and Bianca puts her out with the KOD at 25:00. Piper Niven is #15 at 25:30 as this is thankfully picking up a lot. Chelsea gets tossed out and Piper catches her and saves her. Into the ring, Piper wipes out Chance and Carter and then hits everyone with corner splashes before getting ganged up by everyone. Xia Li is #16 at 28:00 and she brings swords but has to leave them at gorilla apparently. Too bad, would have been more interesting than what we’ve had so far. Zelina Vega is #17 at 29:48. Everyone piles up in the corners and Maxine is #18 at 31:30. I don’t even know who this person is but I’m not really the target audience these days. Bianca and Zelina do this hella awkward double-team stuff on Piper and it looks really bad, and everyone tries to gang up on Piper again but that goes nowhere. Piper slugs Kayden out at 33:33. Nia Jax is #19 at 34:20 and the crowd boos the shit out of her. She headbutts Xia Li out at 34:50, and then runs Nile into the post and out at 35:00. Poor Chelsea gets the worst of a Piper/Nia battle in the corner and one guy is heckling Nia from the front row so loud that you can hear on TV. Nia slams Piper onto Chelsea and this all looks really bad.

Shotzi is #20 at 36:53 and everyone finally teams up on Nia, but she fights them off and Maxine gets thrown out at 38:28, and then Chelsea and Piper are out at 38:48 via Nia. Hopefully this is all leading up to Becky putting her out soon. Katana tossed out at 39:08. And indeed Becky Lynch is #21 at 39:30, with more orange makeup than Donald Trump. She attacks Nia and hits her with a missile dropkick to wake up the crowd again after Nia killed the entire match. Apparently Chelsea is back in the match now, but Becky puts her out again at 41:15. Alba Fyre is #22 at 41:53 and the announcers make Papa Shango jokes while we get a countdown of the different people thus far. Shouldn’t the seconds be the same if it’s supposed to be a consistent 90 seconds? Shayna Baszler is #23 at 43:48 and she slams some people. Yeah. Valhalla is #24 at 45:40, but R-Truth runs into the match and tries to take her place, and then he gets thrown out by Nia and Valhalla gets thrown out at 46:29 as well. Michin is #25 at 47:12 and I’m glad she at least has a consistent name now. And then Nia cuts her off with a hip block and slows the match right down again. She’s just KILLING this thing in the worst way. Naomi dumps Fyre at 48:22. Zoey Stark is #26 at 49:10 and teams up with Shayna for a bit, but they can’t get Zelina out. But then Vega tries a rana on the apron and Zoey kicks her out and onto Fyre at 50:30. Roxanne Perez is #27 at 50:40 and she’s another one I don’t really know, but I don’t watch NXT anyway. She gets some headscissors on the others, but again runs into Nia Jax, who then dumps Shayna at 52:18 and Michin at 52:20. Shotzi out at 52:44 as it’s like Diesel in 1994 but with no charisma. JADE CARGILL finally debuts at #28 at 53:14 to wake up the crowd again, and she hits Jax with a spinebuster and thankfully slams her out at 54:41. But then she charges Becky and hits the post and everyone is out. Tiffany Stratton is #29 at 55:48 and she gets some impressive athletic stuff to clean house. Liv Morgan returns from injury at #30 at 58:17.

Zoey Stark is out at 59:11 and Roxanne has an awkward exit at 59:37. Everyone slugs it out and we get dueling press slams from Bianca and Jade and then things just grind to a halt again as everyone seems unsure of what to do next. Jade kicks Becky to the apron but can’t get her out, but then Naomi charges and Jade catches her and puts out Becky at 62:26 and Naomi right after. Tiffany hangs onto Bianca’s brain on the apron and Bayley puts them both out. So we have Bayley, Jade and Liv left. Liv tries Oblivion on Jade, but she holds on and they all fight to the apron. And Bayley shoves the other two off to win at 64:57, apparently setting the new longevity record already after Rhea set it last year. This was kind of a super shitty and sloppy Rumble with a dead crowd and REALLY terrible announcing for some reason, and not many highlights until the surprise Jade entrance picked it up a lot. Those last few minutes were very entertaining and felt like a big deal. Not enough to make it GOOD and overcome Nia Jax dragging it down, but enough to make the last few minutes pretty fun. **1/2. Jade of course had a lot of star power immediately. You know who DIDN’T have a lot of star power? Everyone else in the match for the first 45 minutes or so.

Oh hey apparently there’s a press event after the show, live on YouTube. Sounds like fun! Hopefully someone asks HHH about how he’s enjoying the Florida beaches or what his favorite color is.

Undisputed WWE World Universal championship title: Roman Reigns v. AJ Styles v. Randy Orton v. LA Knight

We get a literal commercial for Slim Jims before LA Knight’s entrance, and then a bunch of people in the front row representing Slim Jims, so I guess Slim Jims is back on board again! And yet they DON’T take the opportunity to show commercials during the 10 minutes it takes Roman to make it to the ring for some reason. Michael Cole stands up for Roman Reigns and his laconic defense schedule, noting that people complain he only defends the title “every couple of months”, and his solution is “beat him!” Wow why didn’t I think of that? Also what is with the announcers fanboying for the cheating heel champion who has been screwing people for 3 years? Everyone wisely goes after Roman to start but AJ slugs it out with LA. They should team up as LAJ. They can have that one for free. Everyone fights to the floor and LA rams AJ into the announce table and Orton drops Roman onto the table. So LA goes after Orton, but he gets slammed on the table for his troubles. Back in the ring and Orton powerslams AJ and gets the stomps, but Roman breaks it up and cleans house, before going to work on LA Knight. “Roman likes to slow the pace down” notes Cole. That’s an understatement. During year 1 and 2 of the title reign I was fully on board but we’re going into YEAR FOUR now and I think we’re all pretty sick of it. AJ jumps Roman from behind and works on the leg, but Roman takes him out and tries to finish Knight. LA ducks the superman punch and makes a comeback with a slam on Orton for two. Bulldog on Orton and he hits AJ with a superplex before catching Roman with his finisher out of nowhere, but AJ breaks that up. Next up, Styles Clash on Roman, but Knight saves that at two. Nobody is seriously buying into any of these near falls because there’s no chance Roman is losing. Can we get to the Bloodline run-ins already? Next up, Orton with the draping DDT on LA, but Styles breaks up the RKO, so Orton hits him with the RKO instead and then takes out everyone else. And of course Solo Sikoa takes out the ref to save Roman and then takes out everyone with the THUMB OF DOOM. But then he goes after AJ on the floor and runs into the railing. Back in, AJ hits Roman with the forearm and dogpiles everyone for two. Next up, he grabs a chair and beats Roman down with that, but Orton fights him off, only to be speared by Roman. LA hits Roman with the goofy elbow, but AJ breaks that up, and Roman spears AJ for the pin at 19:25. Well this was certainly a match that occurred, you can’t take that away from it. **1/4. This was merely OK. Very slow and the Solo stuff was pointless. Not to mention that one spot saw LA Knight put on top of Randy Orton and the ref didn’t count the pin for whatever reason.

US title: Logan Paul v. Kevin Owens

Much like Roman Reigns, this is Logan’s first match since November and first defense of the US title he won 90 days ago. They fight to the floor right away and Logan bumps into the railing, and back in for a senton from KO that gets two. Back to the floor and Logan gets a dive and back in for a crossbody into a standing moonsault for two, and he tries for the Octopus before Owens escapes that. So Logan goes after the bad hand and gets the legdrop splits for two. 619 misses and Kevin fights back with a clothesline but the crowd is just very dead for the match and seemingly burned out. Owens with a frog splash for two. He goes up again with a swanton and hits the knees, but then Logan misses his own swanton and they’re both out. Logan recovers with the buckshot lariat and his own frog splash for two. They head to the top and Logan brags that he’s going to be the first man to superplex Kevin, but KO takes him down with the fisherman’s buster for two. But Logan goes back to the hand again to block the stunner and then puts Kevin down with the big punch for two. This gives one of Logan’s goofs time to run interference outside and they clothesline each other for the double down. Next up, Austin Theory and Grayson Waller run in and give Logan brass knuckles, but KO rolls him up for two. And then KO gets the knuckles and KO’s Logan for two, but the ref sees it and calls for the DQ at 14:00. They were having a really good match despite the dead crowd, but that finish was pretty silly. ***1/2. Logan Paul really really gets this wrestling thing though, even though I’d said that a million times already but man I wish he’d drop his other silliness and just be a wrestler because he’s great.

Men’s Royal Rumble:

Main Event Jey Uso is #1 and Jimmy Uso is #2. It’s Demolition all over again! So they slug it out and Jimmy goes over the top, but Jey can’t yeet him out. See, I can use hip lingo like the youths! Jey superkicks him and goes up for the Uso splash, but it hits knees as Grayson Waller is #3 at 1:54. So he cuts a promo on Jey on the way to the ring but gets superkicked, so he teams up with Jimmy as Team NO YEET. And ANDRADE debuts at #4 at 3:54. He hits Waller with the deadly back elbow and Jimmy with the double knees, but can’t suplex Waller out. Carmelo Hayes is #5 at 5:46 and he clotheslines Waller out at 6:53. Shinsuke Nakamura is #6 at 7:29 and he goes after Andrade and chokes him out in the corner. Santos Escobar is #7 at 9:05. He hits everyone with knees in the corners and that leads to a showdown with Andrade, but Andrade won’t pledge to the LWO and tosses Santos to the apron. Karrion Kross is #8 at 11:18 and he teams up with Jimmy to go after Jey some more. The LED boards with Cricket ads on them have this annoying flashing white cycle every couple of minutes that’s really distracting and hopefully someone stops it quick. Dirty Dom is #9 at 13:00 and he chooses to go after Kross and that goes badly for him while the announcers discuss Dom’s purple cowboy boots. Carlito is #10 at 14:56, sadly robbing us of Shawn Spears in that spot, but Santos goes after Carlito while spitting the apple and Carlito throws him out at 16:30. Bobby Lashley is #11 at 16:50 and he wallops everyone, and tosses Karrion, and apparently the Authors Of Pain are back? OK then. So they get Bobby out and then the Street Profits brawl back to the dressing room. Ludwig Kaiser is #12 at 19:40 and not much happening there. Austin Theory is #13 at 21:00 and he hits Melo with a wacky flipping slam and that’s about it. Finn Balor is #14 at 22:30 as they’re compressing the intervals a bit to speed things up. Finn goes after Andrade and again there’s nothing going on here. Cody Rhodes is #15 at 24:24 to hopefully get some shit going. He throws out Theory at 25:20 to get it started, and then Bronson Reed is #16 at 25:56. He tosses Andrade at 27:20 while Cody slugs it out with Shinsuke. Kofi Kingston is #17 at 28:10 and Cody puts out Nakamura with a Crossroads at 29:00. Kofi puts out Kaiser with the kick at 29:20. Gunther is #18 at 30:00 and he chops some people and dances with Jimmy, but then turns on him as well. So we get a showdown with Cody and Gunther and they slug it out, but Kofi gets involved and Gunther casually pulls him out at 31:40. No wacky save this year. Ivar is #19 at 32:00 and he smashes some guys as we continue the running joke of Jimmy pitching Team No Yeet and then getting turned on. Bron Breakker is #20 at 33:33 and he’s way past time to get called up. He finally puts Jimmy out at 34:12 and then tosses Finn at 34:20, leading to a showdown with Gunther and a press slam from Bron. Omos is #21 at 35:30 and he does some damage and boots Reed out at 36:44. Bron spears Ivar to counter a crossbody and tosses him out at 37:04. Bron making a case for himself here. Pat McAfee is #22 at 37:25 and seems surprised about it as the announcers egg him on. So he gets in there and then thinks better of it and eliminates himself 38 seconds later. That was a waste of a spot. Bron gets Omos out at 39:10 and then Dominick puts Bron out right after, while JD McDonough is #23 at 39:30. And Bron kicks his ass on the way in. R-Truth is #24 legitimately this time at 40:40 and he helps JD get eliminated by Jey and then stands on the apron and waits for the tag from Dom. He gets the hot tag and does the Cena comeback on Gunther and then gets destroyed. The Miz is #25 at 42:33 and he teams up with Truth, but Truth won’t turn on his brother Dom. So Dom hits Miz with the 619. Damian Priest is #26 at 44:15 and he tosses Truth for the biggest heel heat of the match. Priest and Cody fight on the apron while the crowd is bummed about Truth being out, so CM Punk wakes them up again at #27 at 46:17. Dom goes right after him and Punk tosses him out at 47:16, but Priest slugs him down. Ricochet is #28 at 47:45 and Gunther finishes the job of eliminating Miz at 48:59 as we go back into a lull again. Drew McIntyre is #29 at 49:30 and he hurls Ricochet across the ring with a suplex and slugs on Jey, who has been in the match for the whole thing and done nothing for most of it. He superkicks Gunther to the apron, but Cody sends Jey out at 51:00. Sami Zayn is #30 at 51:22 and that’s kind of disappointing to be honest. Sami manages to get Drew to the apron but can’t get him out. Ricochet flips right out of the ring at 53:19 at the hands of Drew. Everyone left slugs it out and I think they were expecting a big reaction but they didn’t get one. Everyone hits their big moves and Sami clotheslines Priest out at 54:50, but Drew throws him out at 54:59.

Final Four: Cody Rhodes, CM Punk, Drew McIntyre & Gunther

Cody with the cutter on Gunther, but he runs into a lariat. Drew and Gunther throw chops on the babyfaces, but Drew misses the kick on Punk but old man Phil can’t get him up for the GTS. Drew with the Claymores to Gunther and Cody and he’s the last one standing. So he talks trash on Punk, but Punk dumps him out at 59:28. Surprised he didn’t have a heart attack doing that fireman’s carry lift. So Gunther powerbombs both guys and teases putting Cody out, but Cody holds on with a headlock and puts Gunther out at 60:13. So we’re left with Cody and Punk. Look in his eyes, what do you see, this man needs an AED. They slug it out and Punk blocks the cody cutter with a german suplex series and the bulldog and this dude is BLOWN UP so badly. Punk calls for the GTS and I don’t know if that’s his taunt or he’s just telling us that he needs a nap. Cody with the elbows for the comeback and they fight to the apron. Pat: “A moment to catch your breath”. Punk gonna need a lot of moments to catch his breath. Punk tries the GTS, but Cody reverses to the Crossroads and they’re both exhausted. Well mostly Punk. Punk with the GTS and they’re both down and Corey wonders if that was the last gasp of Punk. He’s been doing a lot of gasping for the past 10 minutes. Another GTS, but Cody tries to pull him to the apron. Back in, Punk with a Pedigree because he didn’t wait 10 years to lose to Dusty’s Kid, but Cody escapes the GTS and tosses him to win his second Rumble at 68:19. Hopefully Punk didn’t break his ankle on the way down. Good for Cody, hopefully they really do let him finish his story this year. Much like the women’s match, this dragged and dragged and dragged for the whole way and then got way better at the very end. I didn’t particularly enjoy either Rumble this year at all, though. ***

A very “thumbs in the middle” Rumble, as it felt like they needed something really special to offset the nonsense of the past week, and this wasn’t it. I am very happy for Cody, though, and he was the right choice to win.