The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – MSG 03.16.97

The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – MSG 03.16.97

Another MSG show on the Network that I’ve never covered before, but they switched the thumbnail to feature Sid now, so we’ll give it a look. This is the last ever televised MSG Network show.

Live from Madison Square Garden

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jim Cornette

The Sultan v. Flash Funk

Jim Cornette, expert on black entertainers the world over, thinks that Flash Funk is outdoing the moves of Michael Jackson and thrilling MSG. Meanwhile it’s only the first match and the arena is already leaving for the bathrooms. Sultan breaks up the dancing and attacks, offended by all the dancing. Can you imagine the Sultan DANCING? Well I never! Sultan chokes him out on the ropes, but Flash flips out of a takedown attempt and comes back with a superkick to put Sultan on the floor. Back in the ring, they try to work out a test of strength and then Sultan just slugs him down. Interesting that Mark Yeaton is working as a referee here before switching to the timekeeper for the next 20-odd years and then getting unceremoniously fired for cost cutting reasons. Wouldn’t want to drive up the asking price of timekeepers. Flash with some dropkicks, but Sultan swats him down and hits a backbreaker for two. Sultan with a sleeper, but Flash fights out of that and comes back with a back suplex, with sets up a flying splash for two. Back to the top for a somersault legdrop, but Sultan’s 17 managers distract the ref and he stops to go after them with a dive. Back in the ring, he goes for a rana and Sultan powerbombs him and puts him away with the camel clutch at 7:34. Fatu as a generic Abdullah the Butcher ripoff without the charisma or blood wasn’t moving the needle in 1997, especially when he’s sleepwalking through curtain-jerking matches. *1/2

The NEW Blackjacks v. The Same Old Godwinns

Big brawl to start and the Godwinns clean house as Henry gets a press slam on Windham and the farmers beat on him in the corner. Over to Bradshaw, but he gets backdropped out of the corner and the Godwinns double-team him as well and Phineas slams Henry on him for two. Cheapshot turns the tide, but the Godwinns haul Windham back to the corner and double-team him again. And then finally Phineas gets suckered into going after Bradshaw and gets clobbered by Windham from behind. Bradshaw comes in with a pair of corner clotheslines, still trying really hard to be Stan Hansen without any luck, and a double boot gets two for Windham. Apparently the Blackjacks will be involved in a four-team match at Wrestlemania 13 with the winners getting a tag title shot, which I don’t remember at all. Granted there’s not much about that show outside of Bret-Austin that anyone remembers. The Blackjacks work on Phineas for a bit in a boring heat segment, but HOG gets the hot tag and it’s BONZO GONZO as they all stumble around and HOG powerslams Bradshaw for two. Belly to belly gets two. Henry with the Slop Drop on Bradshaw, but Windham switches in and pins Henry after a “double axehandle” at 8:14. Windham was so lazy at this point that he couldn’t even come off the top, he just hit Henry in the head with a forearm and pinned him. *. The Blackjacks were just a complete disaster of an idea from day one, sent out there to die two decades after anyone cared about their predecessors.

Bret Hart joins Dok Hendrix to discuss his impending cage match with Sid on the RAW before Wrestlemania 13, and claims that Sid has lucked out before, and cage matches are his specialty. Eh…..his won-loss record doesn’t really match up with that claim. I’ve seen him lose a lot of cage matches. Onto the topic of Steve Austin, he also claims that no one knows submission holds as well as he does, which is funny considering that KEN SHAMROCK was the special referee for the match. No wonder everyone was turning on Bret online at this point.

Aldo Montoya v. Crush

Aldo dives on him and tries a sleeper, but Crush just beats him down. Aldo with a DDT and he goes up with a flying bodypress for two, but Crush just tosses him off and faceplants him before hitting a backbreaker. The HEART PUNCH finishes at 1:42. And then Ahmed hits the ring and clears the Nation out with his trusty 2×4 while Aldo makes a call to his good friend Paul E. looking for a new career path.

Ahmed Johnson v. Savio Vega

Savio of course turned on Ahmed at the January MSG show to join the Nation, so this actually has some history via these shows. Savio does a lengthy promo trying to talk Ahmed into joining the Nation, but we all know that would never happen, and Ahmed attacks him. He misses a charge and hits the post, allowing Savio to take over with a leg lariat in the corner and beat him down and then choke him out on the ropes. We take a break and return with Savio putting Ahmed down with a chinlock for a while, as JR notes that the upcoming Chicago Street Fight at WM is “not for the weak of heart.” “Some of them will be wearing jeans and belt buckles!” he declares. I’m terrified already. Ahmed comes back but misses his axe kick, and Savio superkicks him down again as this entire match has been supposed badass Ahmed selling. Crush attacks from the floor with the 2×4, but Ahmed grabs it and nails both Crush and Savio, and then finishes Savio with the Pearl River Plunge, but the Nation all runs in for the DQ at 9:35. God this is worse than that Skydome episode of RAW from a month before so far. DUD

WWF tag team title: Owen Hart & British Bulldog v. Doug Furnas & Phil Lafon

Not that I’m complaining about the matches but did these guys wrestle ANYONE else in 1997? I’m starting to have doubts. Owen trades wristlocks with Furnas, but Doug takes him down with an armbar and the babyfaces go to work on Owen. Lafon SHOOTS THE HALF for two while JR reveals the scandalous news that Owen wasn’t even nominated for a Slammy this year. Hopefully he does something about that. Bulldog comes in and Lafon takes him down with armdrags to chase him out of the ring. Back in the ring, Owen comes in again and accidentally dropkicks Bulldog off the apron, triggering more family drama from them. Lafon hits Owen with a leg lariat and we take a break. Back with Bulldog sending Lafon into the corner to take over, and then he dodges a charge as Phil bumps to the floor and the champs go work on him. Bulldog whips him into the turnbuckles for a nice crisp bump, but Phil gets a sunset flip for two. Bulldog puts him down with a clothesline and Owen comes in with a backbreaker, but Lafon escapes the Sharpshooter. So Owen whips him into the turnbuckles again and Lafon takes another nice bump, but he gets a small package on Owen for two. Owen with the Owenzuigiri for two to put him down again, and a gut wrench and legdrop get two. Oooo, you always know that Owen is putting in an effort when he pulls that one out. Lafon fights up and Owen puts him down with a knee to the gut, and the champs hit him with a double clothesline for two. Furnas accidentally distracts the idiot ref while the champs choke Lafon out in the corner, and Bulldog gets a sleeper. Lafon quickly breaks that up, but Owen dives in and drops Lafon on the ropes for two. Lafon fights back with a DDT and makes the hot tag to Furnas. He hits Bulldog with a HUGE powerslam for two and then tosses him with a suplex for two. He’s fired up tonight. Frankensteiner gets two. Double shoulderblock puts Bulldog on the floor and Furnas suplexes him back in, but Owen trips him up from the floor and Bulldog falls on top for the pin to retain at 14:30. Thought they were gonna do a DQ finish but I’m pleasantly surprised. Tremendous match by the standards of this nothing house show and everyone was working hard. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Hunter Hearst Helmsley introduces us to his new associate, Chyna, who goes on the road with him to take care of his needs. Well he wasn’t lying about that.

Intercontinental title: Rocky Maivia v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Once again, Hunter switching to “Ode to Joy” for his entrance music was an underrated banger move in establishing him as a legit star in 1997. Rocky of course was fresh off upsetting Hunter for the title in a thing that backfired spectacularly in the short term and worked amazingly well in the long term. Hunter works a headlock to start, but Rocky kips up and dropkicks Hunter into the corner before taking him down with an armdrag. Rocky could sure throw an armdrag in 1997, you have to give him that. Hunter catches him with a stungun, however, and beats on him with chops in the corner and we take a break. Back with Hunter hitting something for two, but Rocky cradles for two. Hunter puts the boots to him in the corner and USES THE KNEE for two. Hunter with the abdominal stretch with help from Chyna and gets a backbreaker for two as these two don’t exactly have the chemistry they would develop even a year later. Rocky misses a charge and Hunter gets two in the corner and then puts the boots to him before sending him to the floor. Chyna teases some involvement but then changes her mind, and Rocky comes back in with a sunset flip that Hunter blocks for two. Hunter slams him and goes up, but Rocky brings him down with an armdrag. An AVALANCHE ARMDRAG as Excalibur would call it. You can’t fault the man’s armdrags, no one has ever denied that. Rocky makes the goofy comeback and gets a back suplex for two. Fisherman’s suplex gets two. Belly to belly gets two. It’s funny how many things that Rocky stopped doing because they didn’t work for him at all. Hurricane DDT and Rock does more goofy arm gestures and goes up with his deadly flying bodypress for two, but Chyna saves. Hunter catches him with the KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, but Goldust runs in for the DQ at 15:42. Yeah I was wondering how they were gonna get out of this one. This was fine but Rocky was very clearly not ready for prime time yet. Hunter did a good job holding it together and making Rocky look like he belonged, though. **1/2.

Goldust v. Faarooq

Marlena and Chyna brawled at the end of the last match, which had the most heat of anything on the show thus far, and Sunny does the ring introductions here as she continues to float through 1997 on a river of vodka with no paddle. Faarooq decides against working the match because “he’ll be damned if he gets in the ring with a damn fairy”. I’ll take things that didn’t age well for $200. So Goldust attacks him and goes to work on the arm, like a REAL MAN, and blocks a big splash with his knees before going back to the arm again. We take a break so we can ponder how straight and alpha male Goldust is as a babyface, and return with Faarooq in control and working the back. Goldust misses an elbow and Faarooq boots him down, but Goldust rolls him up for two and Faarooq responds with a clothesline. Goldust goes after Crush on the floor and Faarooq pins him with a piledriver at 9:26 despite the foot being on the ropes. Well, this sucked, and the finish looked screwed up, like Faarooq was trying something else and then fell into a piledriver instead. DUD

Sid joins us to discuss Wrestlemania, as I was beginning to wonder if the misleading thumbnail would ever pay off. Sid clarifies that he can beat Bret Hart eight days a week: That’s each day of the week and TWICE ON SATURDAYS. Sounds like one of those old Crockett double shots. This was disappointingly coherent and on-topic for a Sid interview a week before Wrestlemania.

Casket Match: Vader v. Undertaker

JR clarifies that this isn’t going to be a “Greco-Roman classic”. Come to think of it, DID Roman Reigns ever have a classic with a Greek guy? I don’t think so. Makes you think. Taker quickly goes OLD SCHOOL here on OLD SCHOOL and boots Vader over the top and onto the casket, but Vader bumps to the floor as we are rapidly running out of time here and they’re rushing through the match. We take a break and return with Vader beating on Taker in the corner before clotheslining him to the floor, but Taker necks him on the top rope. So Vader kicks him in the nuts and goes to work on the leg while JR calls for a re-evaluation of the no-DQ rules in casket matches. “He’s trying to beat the guy down and stuff him into a casket!” notes Jim Cornette as the voice of reason. Taker comes back with a chokeslam and tombstone and rolls Vader’s carcass into the casket, but Mankind pops out of the casket and puts Taker out with the claw. Goddamn you’d think Taker would have learned by now. And Paul Bearer closes the lid on him at 8:24 as Taker continues to suck badly at his own supposed speciality match. What a weird booking choice going into Wrestlemania. It’s not like Vader was being groomed as a challenger moving forward or anything. Anyway, Taker beats up Mankind and shoves HIM into the casket for some “yay babyface” heat to end the show on a good note and we’re done. They were working this at a million miles an hour and not in the good way, but rather in the “We’re running out of TV time and need to get the hell off the air” way. ½*.

Well this was certainly a show that happened. JR was making reference to how fans would probably need to write into MSG Network and express their desire to see more WWF shows moving forward, but it didn’t work because this was the final one. The business and TV landscape were changing anyway and I can’t see USA being happy about them putting high quality shows on a competitor channel, so it was probably on borrowed time anyway.

And that actually wraps up the modern era stuff for WWE Network offerings on MSG. I was always hoping they’d add more to continue the awesome run after 1984 but much like everything else with the channel, they just dropped it cold and never followed up again. Also putting Sid on the thumbnail for this show is incredibly misleading but it worked on me so who am I to complain?