The SmarK Rant for WWE Armageddon 2003

Live from Orlando, FL.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

Mark Henry v. Booker T
JR translated into English: Mark Henry is strong. Strong is good. There ya go. Booker hammers on Henry to start, but gets clubbed down and slammed. You know, I don’t care about using a bodyslam as a transition move, but I would like to once again emphasize how lame it is to use it as a move that is sold as actually being damaging. They brawl outside and Booker meets the stairs, but he comes back and dropkicks Henry off the apron and follows with a pescado. Back in, Booker gets a missile dropkick for two. Teddy interferes and Henry clubs Booker down, drawing no reaction from the crowd. Backbreaker gets two. Mark works the back over with a lazy man’s bow and arrow. JR talks about Henry’s inexperience(!?)…he’s been in the promotion since 1996! He’s been around longer than most of the roster! Henry gets his running straddle out of the ring and that gets two. We hit the chinlock, which Booker escapes from, but Henry immediately cuts off the comeback with a bearhug. That’s a bad sequence – the fans need a hope spot or it just sucks the life out of them. Not to mention how boring a chinlock – bearhug sequence is. Booker fights out and walks into a clothesline. Legdrop misses, and Booker comes back with a bicycle kick and a back kick. Henry’s selling is ridiculous. Booker forearms him to set up an axe kick, but it only gets two. Henry comes back with a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. Corner clothesline and a clothesline out of the corner sets up a legdrop for two. Henry botches a powerbomb badly and gets two. JR keeps harping on the inexperience of the 8-year veteran. Booker comes back with another axe kick to finish at 9:21. Henry is not the guy to be calling a match. Very dull, too long, and it did nothing for Booker, not that they care about him at this point anyway. *1/4

Meanwhile, Bischoff gives a pep talk to Jericho & Christian. Jericho is still reluctant.

Mick Foley brings out Stacy for a pointless segment, but it draws out Orton, prompting an impromptu (but otherwise regularly scheduled) match:

Intercontinental title: Rob Van Dam v. Randy Orton
Mick Foley is of course YOUR special referee. Orton attacks, but RVD takes him down with a legsweep and Orton bails. Back in, Orton grabs a headlock, and they do some chain-wrestling off that until a stalemate sequence. Orton takes him down with a knee to the gut and pounds away, but gets spinkicked. Rob dropkicks him in the knee out of the corner and goes up with a bodypress for two. Rob slugs away, but Orton wins that battle, and Rob spinkicks him to the floor. Rob follows with a somersault plancha. Slingshot legdrop gets two, back in the ring. Orton misses a charge, but shoves Rob off the top and bumps him to the floor. Orton hits him with the high dropkick on the floor and they head back in, where Orton gets two. He stomps away for two. Choking follows. That gives Rob an opportunity to work on his silly faces while being choked. Foley stops to yell at Flair, as Orton keeps stomping away. He whips him into the corner and pounds away with something JR calls “concussed blows” (zuh?), but Rob comes back with a crossbody for two. Orton quickly clotheslines him down again. Orton works him over in the corner and gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Rob fights out, and then gets clotheslined down again. Time for a new transition, Randy. That gets two. Seated dropkick gets two. Back to the chinlock. Rob fights out and gets a rollup for two, and the split-legged moonsault gets two. Orton gets a body vice into a neckbreaker, which another “concussed move” according to JR. I mean, maybe he just means “concussing” or something. Back to the chinlock. A long one, which Rob fights out of, and then dropkicks Orton down. He slugs away and does the pummel in the corner, setting up a monkey flip and springboard dropkick. Northern lights suplex gets two. Orton bails, but Rob suplexes him onto the railing and guillotines him. Back in, Orton catches him with a sick DDP that allows Rob to do his weird headfirst bump, and that gets two. Orton misses a kneedrop and Rob loudly calls “bodyscissors”, then does just that for two. Seated dropkick sets up Rolling Thunder, and Rob disposes of Flair, but gets rolled up for two. Spinkick and Rob goes up, but Flair makes a nuisance of himself and Orton brings him down for the RKO and the title at 17:59. Orton actually treats the win like a big deal, which is nice to see. Interesting that they’d build his character of a big talker who can’t back it up, and then have him go over clean. Doesn’t matter, you’ve gotta pull the trigger on SOMEONE, and it might as well be Randy. Dull, but inoffensive, match. Rob didn’t seem terribly into it. **1/4

Christian & Chris Jericho v. Lita & Trish Stratus
Trish goes after Jericho to start, and he opts not to fight back, spanking her instead of going after her. Apparently spanking a woman and then yelling “Calm down!” isn’t effective. Who knew? Trish tries a dropkick, but Christian tags in and wants Lita. He grabs her arms, so she headbutts him and runs away. Back in, she goes after him with girly forearms, but Christian misses a charge and Lita takes him down with a headscissors for two. Cheapshot from Jericho turns the tide. Christian slams Lita, and Jericho comes in with his own, and does the old “stepping on the hair” deal. Lita tries fighting back, but Jericho powerbombs her, which she counters with a rollup for two. Didn’t look good. Christian comes back in and tears her top off (she’s got 18 layers on anyway), but gets kicked in the nuts for his troubles. Hot tag Trish, who Kawada kicks Christian (showing the height difference) and dodges him on a charge. Jericho gets crotched on the top by Lita, but Trish can’t get the handstand rana, as Jericho shrugs her off and Christian gets two. Trish dodges him with the Matrix move and rolls him up for two, but Christian clotheslines her. Lita gets her rana, but Jericho pulls her out and punks her out, then goes in to check on Trish. While helping her up, Christian rolls her up for the pin at 6:41. At least it was short, but the height difference was really noticeable at times and it made things look a bit silly. **1/2

Shawn Michaels v. Batista
Shawn slugs away in the corner to start and keeps him off-guard. Batista goes low and slugs him down, but Shawn kicks at the leg and slides out to deal with Flair. Back in, Batista pounds him in the corner and chokes away, then hits a bouncing Shawn with a clothesline to slow him down. That gets two. Delayed suplex gets two. He works on the back, whipping him around the ring, and grinds the elbow into the face on the mat. More choking in the corner. JR is offended. They slug it out and Batista puts Shawn on top and hammers the back, but Shawn fights him off, taking forever to stand there while he yells instructions on camera, before getting a moonsault for two. Forearm and everyone’s out, but THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS HIM…to kip up. Batista clotheslines him and tosses him. Outside, Shawn hits the stairs, and they head back in, where Batista gets two. Backbreaker gets two. Another backbreaker turns into a submission hold, but Shawn fights out, only to get clubbed down again for two. They slug it out, won by Shawn’s chops, and he forearms Batista down and gets an atomic drop to come back. Batista catches him with a two-handed choke, but Shawn turns it into a DDT. He goes up with the flying elbow, and he’s JESUS-ING UP! Superkick is blocked with a spinebuster, however. Another one for good measure, just to spite the Almighty, I guess. Batista yells a lot, which I guess means the end is near in Neanderthal, but his powerbomb is reversed to the superkick at 12:19 for the pin. Shawn actually laid back too far and pinned himself, but he does that a lot lately and no one ever seems to pay attention anyway. Sadly, it’s not 1996 and you can’t just stick Shawn in there with the stiff of the week and expect a ***1/2 match – he needs something to work with now. Match wasn’t bad or anything, thanks to Shawn, but Batista isn’t ready for this level of push. **1/4 On the other hand, I’m not really sure why they’d book a match where the obvious result was for the monster to go over the established star and then have Shawn win clean, but perhaps Moses came down from the mountain and said “Thou Shalt Not Job”.

Batista hangs out in the ring and beats on Maven, resulting in Matt Hardy getting a forfeit win in a match that was added at the last minute and advertised on Heat.

Meanwhile, Batista is a winner. He said so!

TAG TEAM TURMOIL!

The Hurricane & Rosey v. La Resistance
Rosey clotheslines Conway down to start and Hurricane comes in with a legdrop and then badly blows a springboard onto Dupree outside. Back in, Conway gets a full-nelson, and an awkward neckbreaker which gets nothing. They work him over in the French corner, and Dupree powerslams him for two as JR & King get all political. Dupree gets taken down with an X-Factor and Rosey gets the hot tag and cleans house with backdrops and a samoan drop on Dupree. Spinning slam on Conway gets two. He dumps Dupree and gets a spinebuster on Conway, and Hurricane stands on his shoulders in the corner and splashes Conway for the pin at 3:16. Big mess, and I don’t get putting La Rez out so soon. ¼*

The Vanilla Jobber Connection sneak in and rollup Hurricane to end that one right away, so it’s…

The Vanilla Jobber Connection v. Val Venis & Lance Storm
Jindrak overpowers Val to start, but gets hiptossed, and they trade armdrags. Val elbows him down and Storm comes in and stays on the arm. Cade comes in and gets more of the same from Lance. They work off a headlock and Storm goes back to the armbar, working in an Owen Hart showboat move, but gets slugged down by Jindrak for two. Surfboard is escaped by Storm, and he dodges a charge, allowing Val to get the tag. Spinebuster for Jindrak and neckbreaker for Cade, and a half-nelson slam on Jindrak gets two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Storm takes Cade to the floor, as Val gets the Blue Thunder Bomb on Jindrak for two. Cade trips up Val on a suplex and Jindrak gets the pin at 7:55 (total for the match). Bleh. ½*

The Dudley Boyz v. The Vanilla Jobber Connection
Dudleyz clean house right away to start, but Cade clotheslines Bubba down. Bubba hangs him in the Tree of Woe and they double-team Cade for two. D-Von gets an elbow on Jindrak for two, but Jindrak comes back with a lariat for two. Cheapshot from Cade outside turns the tide and Jindrak stomps away. They work D-Von over in the corner, and Cade hits the chinlock. He goes up but misses an elbow, and Bubba gets the hot tag. Hiptoss for Jindrak, backdrop for Cade, and he splashes them both in the corner. D-Von gets a corner clothesline, but Jindrak rolls him up for two. He kicked out of their finisher! Double-team is broken up by D-Von, and he dodges a dropkick, and 3D finishes Jindrak at 12:28 (total for the match). ½*

The Dudley Boyz v. Test & Scott Steiner
Test goes after Bubba’s shoulder to start, but Bubba fights them both off. Steiner suplexes him, however, and sends him to the floor. Test works on the shoulder out there, and back in Steiner gets the elbow for two. Choking follows, from both guys, and Steiner takes him down with a sad Fujiwara armbar. Test continues stomping away and adds some choking, then goes to the shoulder again. They go up, but Bubba fights Test off and comes down with his senton. Hot tag D-Von, and he clotheslines Test and gets a neckbreaker for two. Steiner catches him with a suplex and Test sideslams for two. Steiner calls for the big boot from Test, but of course it misses and D-Von gets two. Test goes for the pumphandle and opts for a full-nelson slam instead, which gets two. He grabs a belt and a chair and nails D-Von for two, but Bubba saves. Bubbabomb finishes Test at 19:26 (total for the match). Nothing exciting. *1/4 However, Bischoff comes out and declares that there’s one more set of challengers…

The Dudley Boyz v. Batista & Ric Flair
Quick squash for Evolution, as they win the titles with Batista’s powerbomb, thus defeating the entire purpose of the match. DUD And of course with ¾ of Evolution given titles thanks to a contrived angle, it’s not like the result of the main event is any shock.

Women’s title: Molly Holly v. Ivory
You know the match is thrown-together when the challenger hasn’t even been on TV in the past month. Oh, wait, that’s the main event, too. Ivory takes Molly down for two to start, and dropkicks her into a rollup for two. Headscissors is blocked by Molly, but Ivory goes up with a high cross for two. Ivory catapults her out and follows with a somersault off the apron, and back in Molly baseball slides her off the apron. Back in, Molly takes her down for two. Northern lights suplex gets two. She works the arm and gets a suplex, and rakes the eyes. Handspring elbow gets two. Molly stomps her down and undoes a turnbuckle, but can’t send Ivory into it. Ivory gets a rollup for two, but Molly reverses for the pin at 4:24. Just filler. ¾*

RAW World title: Goldberg v. Kane v. HHH
HHH at least seems to have shed some water weight. Big long stallfest to start and HHH goes after Goldberg first, allowing the heels to gain the advantage. Kane gets a silly looking clothesline on Goldberg and they work him over in the corner, as Kane gets another clothesline. Goldberg takes him down with a shoulderblock and a powerslam, and dumps HHH. Kane & Goldberg slug it out, and Kane gets a corner clothesline and another clothesline for two. I’m having flashbacks to that Batista feud last year. Goldberg comes back with a neckbreaker on Kane and suplexes HHH, but Kane sideslams Goldberg. Kane goes up, but gets slammed off by Goldberg, and he powerslams HHH, too. Kane blocks a spear with a big boot, however, and chokes away, adding some shots on the mat. For a psychotic monster with supernatural powers, he sure hits like a girl. Maybe the flaming ringpost deal is just overcompensation? HHH & Kane strategize and go after Goldberg with a double suplex, and HHH allows Kane to powerslam Goldberg, and HHH sneaks in for two. You’d think there’d be enough animosity between HHH & Kane without the cliché “no honor among thieves” stuff. HHH gets dumped by Goldberg , but Kane hotshots him and JR pulls out the old “bowling shoe ugly” reference, which is code for “We know it sucks, but we’re stuck calling it”. HHH brings in a chair and hits Kane by accident, and Goldberg slams him (were I thinking ahead, I would have counted powerslams) and tries to Pillmanize the ankle, but Kane tosses him. They brawl outside and Kane chokeslams Goldberg on the Spanish table, but it doesn’t break and Goldberg bounces to the floor instead. Par for the course with this mess. Kane puts him back on the table and now HHH drops an elbow, and it finally breaks. Well, at least the table puts Goldberg over tonight. HHH grabs a chair, but that annoys Kane and we stop and stall, and then he sends Kane into the stairs. Pedigree is reversed by Kane, and they head in for a Kane boot and some slugging in the corner. Kane goes up with the flying clothesline and chokeslam, but HHH goes to the eyes. DDT, which Kane no-sells, and HHH keeps slugging. Kane dumps him and now they brawl up the ramp to waste time while Goldberg has a bar mitzvah or something on the other side of the ring, and Kane chokeslams HHH on the ramp. Back in, Goldberg finally recovers and spears Kane, getting two. They all slug it out, won by Goldberg, and he spears Kane again. Another spear for HHH, and now Evolution runs in again, allowing Kane to choke out Goldberg, but he chokes back. THRILLING. HHH goes low on Goldberg, Kane chokeslams him, and HHH steals the pin and the title at 19:29. Completely dull, meandering, boring, slow, lumbering mess that felt like it was never going to end, but actually ended 15 minutes short of the usual PPV finish time. And hey, HHH is the champion again. It’s always nice to give yourself a Xmas present that shows you really care about yourself and no one else. I’m long past the point where I can be disgusted about HHH making himself the champ again – now I’m just bored and tired by it. *1/4

The Bottom Line: My initial reaction to the show was a thumbs in the middle going down, but watching it again and seeing how incredibly dull it was and how pointless the booking was has sapped away my goodwill, and now it gets a big fat thumbs down and likes it.

Not worth your $34.95, for sure.