The SmarK Rant for WCW Starrcade 2000 – 12.17.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Starrcade 2000 – 12.17.00

Originally written 07.30.26

Sadly, Richard doesn’t have this one in his collection, but the WCW Vault DOES, so that’s the version we’re going with. And of course this is the final Starrcade.

https://youtu.be/PhqZycpMDSE?si=6pTKbbkzbzwVQBcv

Live from Washington, DC, drawing about 6000, with half freebies, and a 0.11 buyrate, by far the lowest in history for the show.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Ladder match: Three Count v. The Jung Dragons v. Knoble & Karagias

Winner of this gets a shot at Chavo’s Cruiserweight title, which would lead one to wonder why it’s a tag team match and not a singles match. Kaz and Moore collide off a headlock to start and Kaz seems rattled, but they recover and do some flips before Moore sprints for a ladder and gets cut off. Over to Helms, but he gets double-teamed by Knoble & Karagias as the ladder gets involved and they drop Shane onto that. So at this point we throw out the tags and they all start fighting around the ring. Knoble and Karagias argue over who gets to climb, but Yang dropkicks them out of the ring as a result and he hits Moore with a gutbuster and moonsaults off a ladder in the corner. Sugar Shane tosses Yang and follows with a dive, but Kaz hits his own dive and so does Karagias. Moore recovers for his own dive, but Knoble climbs for the contract, so Yang pushes the ladder over and Knoble lands on the pile. They set up a ladder bridge and Karagias powerslams Yang off that, and then Moore hits Knoble with a flying fameasser. Helms takes Knoble off the ladder bridge with a neckbreaker, and then both ladders get set up and everyone climbs while slugging it out. Leia Meow gets involved and the Dragons manage to take out the other four and construct a crazy ladder bridge in the middle of the ring. They all fight to the top of the ladder and people go flying off the scaffold, leaving Three Count with the contract, and they both take the contract at the same time to win at 13:50. The crowd was dead to start but they just kept throwing their bodies off the ladders until it got over. ****

Meanwhile, Duggan is busy polishing his board, but Lance Storm advises him that if he leaves Team Canada, his career is done and he’ll be fired. Joke’s on him, the company is getting shut down in three months anyway.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett demands a bunkhouse match with the Filthy Animals tonight and Mike Sanders is like “Sure, whatever.”

Meanwhile, Kronik hangs out in the sauna and they take a rare COD job.

Lance Storm v. The Cat

Entrances take FOREVER here as Storm does a promo and Cat dances in response. Cat takes him down with an armdrag and Storm bails to the apron, and we get a tease of Gunns v. Miss Jones to stall for more time. Storm attacks Cat in the corner and puts him down with a clothesline, but Cat cradles for two. Lance goes to a chinlock, but they fight to the floor as the ref is bumped by Skipper and everyone is out. Back in the ring, Storm with a missile dropkick with no ref, but Cat comes back with kicks for two. Jim Duggan comes down and teases attacking the Cat, but then changes his mind, and then changes it back again and hits Cat after all, letting Storm win with the Maple Leaf at 7:30. Nothing to the match as Storm continues to plummet down the card after a really big push that died out. *1/2 And then Team Canada turns on Duggan and beats him down, so Cat makes the save.

Meanwhile, Buff Bagwell is now a backstage interviewer for some reason, and he talks to the Filthy Animals, who think Jeff Jarrett and the bunkhouse match is a huge joke.

WCW Hardcore title: Crowbar v. Terry Funk

Daffney declines to be there for this one, and Crowbar accuses her of not respecting his awesome 70s gear. Yes, they literally had two people doing a 70s Guy gimmick at the same time. Funk attacks backstage and runs Crowbar into a truck for two while Madden mocks Funk and his numerous “retirements” over the years. Terry sends him into the back of a truck, but Crowbar whips him into the wodden sides of it while Daffney shrieks in the background. Cardboard box to the head gets two. They slug it out and Funk teases bumping off the edge of the truck, but then hiptosses Crowbar off instead and puts him through a table as a result. Crowbar recovers and hits him with a car door before slamming his head in another unrelated door, but Funk returns that favor right away. Funk handcuffs him and beats on him with a chair, and you’d think we learned from Beyond the Mat that this would be a BAD IDEA. Speaking of bad ideas, they finally head to the arena, but do so via a door that says NO ARENA ACCESS on it, because they’re BADASSES. So Funk hauls him down to ringside and continues beating on him with the chair and Madden is joking about concussions. Funk finally goes after the screaming Daffney and tries to choke her, but Crowbar saves her with more chairshots and chokes out Funk with his handcuffs, before putting him through a table with a pescado splash. Back in the ring, Daffney hits Funk with a chair and puts Crowbar on top for two. Funk beats Crowbar down with another chair and piledrives him onto the car door, and that finally finishes at 10:21 to give Funk the Hardcore title. Usual hardcore nonsense here but Funk is really great at it. **1/2

Kronik v. Big Vito & Reno

Kronik claims that Marie is the one paying them as this storyline somehow makes even less sense. The brothers fight off Kronik and Vito powerslams Clark for two. Reno with a neckbreaker for two and they double-team Clark, but Clark suplexes Vito for two. Clark misses a blind charge while Adams demands the cash from Marie, even though the job isn’t done yet. Marie claims that she’s innocent of these accusations while Vito gets beat up by Clark on the floor. Back in the ring, Vito comes back with a clothesline on Adams for two as I have no idea what’s going on here or who I’m supposed to be cheering for. Clark with a back suplex on Vitro for two as this drags on, and Clark goes to the chinlock. And now the Thrillers join us to watch this match, although god knows why anyone would want to subject themselves to that voluntarily. Vito finally makes the hot tag to Reno, and of course he immediately turns on his brother and ROLLS THE DICE. And then he pins Vito, despite the fact that they’re partners, and so…someone?…wins at 8:30? And then it turns out that Marie was innocent and Reno was the one who paid Kronik. Paid Kronik to do what? I don’t understand anything that happened here. DUD. When you’re winning “Most non-sensical storyline in WCW 2000” you know you’ve hit upon something special.

Meanwhile, Three Count announce that they’re both claiming the title shot at Chavo on Nitro, so Chavo attacks them both.

Meanwhile, General Rection doesn’t want to comment on Chavo and he’s not going to let Shane Douglas use him as a stepping stone.

Ambulance match: Bam Bam Bigelow v. Mike Awesome

They fight to the floor right away and Awesome beats on him with a chair, but Bam Bam tosses a cup of water in his face to turn the tide. Is he the Wicked Witch of the West or something? They head up the aisle and trade chairshots on the way to the ambulance, but Awesome can’t put him in there. Back to the ring, they do more weak brawling and Awesome kind of half-assed whips Bigelow into the stairs. Aewsome charges from the aisle and Bigelow backdrops him through a table as the crowd is completely dead and Bigelow is clearly having trouble moving around. They fight up the ambulance and Tony is worried about sharp edges, but Bigelow falls through the roof and that’s the win for Awesome at 8:24. Sure, why not, go with that, at least it means the match is over. DUD. The announcers declare that The 70s Guy is DEAD and it’s back to the Career Killer for Awesome. Talk about rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Meanwhile, Reno and the Thrillers attempt to explain the Kronik storyline and it’s basically “Ha ha I fooled everyone”.

WCW US title: General Rection v. Shane Douglas

Shane beats on him with chops in the corner, but Rection puts him down with a clothesline. Shane hides behind the ref and runs away to the floor, and they brawl out there, but Shane goes low on the way into the ring to take over. But Rection has CAJONES OF STEEL and no-sells it like Rick Rude shrugging off a blow to the abs, and he goes to a bearhug to make the comeback. That gets two, and he goes up for a moonsault, but Shane trips him up and Rection bumps to the mat. Shane with the necksnap and he follows with a piledriver and neckbreaker for two. Unsurprisingly the crowd is also super dead for this one. Shane with a chinlock and he puts the boots to Rection, but the General comes back with a press slam to send Shane back to the floor again. Rection gently runs Shane into the post to bust him open as this one is for the SICKOS, and if you pause the video and zoom in on his Shane’s forehead you can even see blood! Back in the ring, Rection slugs away as Shane somehow is able to continue seeing through the crimson mask that’s staining the mat red, but he dodges the moonsault despite the massive blood loss. He grabs a chain and Rection suplexes him to counter for a double down, as Chavo comes down to ringside and steals the chain before throwing it back to Douglas. But then the ref catches Shane and calls for the DQ at 9:30. Surprised he didn’t stop the match for blood loss instead because Shane was clearly having trouble wrestling at full speed due to the cut on his head. No wait, sorry, that’s just because he sucked. My mistake. ½*

Afterwards, MIA continues arguing with each other, as this show has been swerve after swerve and it’s already burned out the crowd on them.

Meanwhile, Buff Bagwell interviews the Insiders and they laugh about the tag title match tonight and make inside jokes.

Bunkhouse Street Fight: Jeff Jarrett & The Harris Brothers v. The Filthy Animals

Yes it’s a THIRD hardcore weapons match tonight. So the ring is of course surrounded by wacky plunder, including an actual bar set up in the ring. There might be clever gags from that but not from this company. So they all hit each other with garbage cans while we get Tigress on commentary being annoying. Kidman shoves Jeff’s face into the popcorn machine and we get broncobusters on the Harriseseseses in the ring, but Jarrett hits guys in the nuts to turn the tide. But then the Animals chokeslam him through the bar, which disappointingly turns out to be a big balsa wood prop and shatters into a million pieces and they just move on. Rey goes up and drops a Wrong Way sign onto Heavy D and the Animals clear the ring as this is just meaningless weapon shot after weapon shot. Rey gets tossed into a dumpster on the floor by Jarrett, but Kidman gets a bodypress on JJ for two. And they start working a normal tag match as Don gets a sideslam on Kidman for two and the ref is enforcing tags for some reason. Jarrett with a dropkick on Kidman and, say it with me, the crowd is completely dead. Kidman fights back on Ron while Rey is apparently dead in the dumpster at ringside and not coming back. So the Nashville World Order works on Kidman in the corner and JJ gets a sleeper, but Konnan gets the hot tag and immediately gets laid out by the Harrises because he’s a huge geek. So Rey returns from the dumpster and he’s got a BROOM so you know he means business. He pus Jeff on a table, but the Harriseseses catch him and put him through the table. Kidman powerbombs Jarrett and hits the Unprettier, but Don smashes a bottle of booze on his head and the Stroke finishes at 12:28. And the crowd does not care at all. *1/2 Probably because the Animals were a bunch of fucking geeks who looked like losers all the time. And why are you wasting REY MYSTERIO in these stupid garbage matches?

Meanwhile, Sarge gets promo time, but Lex Luger attacks him from behind, and Buff Bagwell makes the save.

WCW World tag team title: Chuck Palumbo & Shawn Stasiak v. Kevin Nash & Diamond Dallas Page

Ric Flair joins us first and tells Sanders that if he takes ONE STEP towards the ring during the match, then the Insiders win the titles via DQ. Chuckie beats on Nash in the corner, but Kev fires back with the corner clothesline and beats on him with the knees in the corner. Palumbo puts him down with a clothesline, but misses a legdrop and DDP comes in with a flying clothesline on Chuck for two. Over to Shawn and DDP slugs away on him in the corner, although between them they’ve saved a lot of injured backs since then and would be allies. Page runs Stasiak into the corner and brings him out with a belly to belly for two and uranage for two. Palumbo cuts him off with a Jungle Kick behind the ref’s back and the champs take over. Shawn with a back elbow and Palumbo suplexes him for two. Palumbo chokes him out and they put the boots to Page in the corner. Stasiak continues choking him out while Sanders makes sure not to step towards the ring, but DDP fights back and falls on Stasiak’s crotch with a headbutt. Page fights them off again to make a comeback and he slugs it out with Palumbo again for a double down, but Palumbo goes low to cut off the tag. But then Page gets the hot tag to Nash anyway and he runs wild with POOCHIE POWER. He tosses Shawn and puts Palumbo down with the big boot, but Sanders hits DDP with another low blow on the floor while the Thrillers double-team Nash for two. Stasiak hits Nash with the tag belt, but Page hauls him out and gives him the cutter on the floor to get rid of him before brawling with the other Thrillers. Sean O’Haire tries to run in and Page crotches him, allowing Nash to come back with the big boot and hair flip on Chuckie, setting up the Poochiebomb to finish at 11:53 and give them the tag titles again. A perfectly cromulent tag team match to finally give us a decent match here. ***

Lex Luger v. Goldberg

Lex tries to walk out and Goldberg attacks him on the floor and beats on him out there. Into the ring, Goldberg overpowers Lex and beats on him in the corner. Goldberg with the powerslam and Lex bails and tries to leave again, but Goldberg hunts him down. Lex finally runs Goldberg into the post to take over. This brings out Sarge Buddy Lee Bruce the Leprechaun Trainer, with Buff Bagwell trying to talk sense into him and telling him to stay out of it. Back in the ring, Goldberg recovers and tries the spear, but Lex hides behind the ref again and then hits Sarge with the brass knuckles before giving Goldberg a shot with them as well for two. And then Buff gets in the ring and turns on Goldberg with the Blockbuster, although they sell it like it’s an accident. But then Buff beats up Sarge pretty definitively while Goldberg comes back with the spear on Luger, and the Jackhammer finishes at 7:19. And then Buff turns on him for real with a chairshot afterwards, forming a team with Lex Luger that actually WOULD end up ending Goldberg’s streak and WCW career. Match wasn’t the worst. **

WCW World title: Scott Steiner v. Sid Vicious

And we finish off with this one, which has pretty decent heat even though the storyline makes no sense and there was never really any solid reason given why they even had an issue with each other. They slug it out in the corner to start and Sid wins that battle and puts him down with clotheslines and a sideslam for two. Scott bails and thinks it over before heading back in for some posing. Sid puts him down with the big boot and clotheslines him to the floor again, but Midajah nails him with the lead pipe and Steiner takes over. “Fuck you!” he notes to someone in the front row, eloquent as always. Back in the ring, Scott with the clothesline and pushups and he follows with a backbreaker and boots him down again. Belly to belly out of the corner sets up the Recliner, but Sid is too close to the ropes and he somehow escapes the devastating chinlock. Steiner with a suplex and he goes back to the Recliner in the middle this time, but Sid powers out of it. So Midajah comes off the top and hits Scott with a bodypress by mistake, allowing Sid to chokeslam Scott for two. Sid tries a cobra clutch, but the ref is bumped and Scott grabs his pipe and lays Sid out with that. That gets two. This brings out Jeff Jarrett with his guitar, but he hits Steiner by mistake and then pulls out the ref to save the pin. Steiner comes back with the suplex and goes back to the Recliner off that, but this time Sid is unable to escape and he passes out at 10:10. I’d call it a lot better than expected as Steiner was showing real presence as champion at this point and it actually woke up a really dead crowd. ***

And that’s the end of Starrcade! This one started out good with the ladder match and then went into the dumpster for a couple of hours before recovering with the last two matches, so it’s kind of a thumbs in the middle deal. They were trying way too hard to overbook everything again and couldn’t get out of their own way, as usual. There’s just not much to recommend here.