The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 10.16.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 10.16.00

I’ve been actively avoiding going back to these again because I’m just so sick and tired of them but also I kinda have to finish it to prove something to myself. What that thing is, I don’t know.

Taped from Melbourne, Australia, with another sold show and another shitty rating. By which I mean one of the lowest ratings in the entire history of the show, up against the Mystery Driver episode of RAW.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & “Straight Shooting” Stevie Ray.

For those keeping track, Juventud Guerrera was fired while on tour, ending his WCW career.

WCW World tag team title: Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire v. The Boogie Knights

Alex does a promo in German, like all good people speak, and Disco quips “Well put Alex” and then announces that the Thrillers are all barred from ringside this week. Disco and Wright double-team O’Haire with a neckbreaker for two and Wright with a powerslam for two. “How can you call a bald guy Das Wunderkind?” wonders Madden. Touche? The NBT double-teams Disco with a dropkick from Jindrak, but Disco goes up to escape and O’Haire kicks him down. Jindrak with a rana for two, but Disco makes the hot tag to Wright and the referee is immediately bumped. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and Jindrak misses a flying splash, allowing Disco to hit the stunner. But then Kronik runs in and destroys the Knights with chokeslams, putting Jindrak on top for the pin to retain at 4:15. Nowhere near as good as last week’s match. *1/2

Meanwhile, Big Kev is hungover like a dog and requests NO DOING STUFF tonight, which Mike Sanders has no problem with.

Meanwhile, Sanders goes to the Cat and they negotiate a Sting v. Kevin Nash lumberjack match, which goes completely against Nash’s demands for NO DOING STUFF.

Team Canada joins us, and Lance Storm is sick of hearing about cricket. And then the Australian crowd boos the Canadian national anthem. What kind of disrespectful fucks would boo the anthem of another country?! So of course, the MIA interrupts, because I guess waving the American flag is supposed to make them babyfaces in Australia.

Team Canada v. Misfits in Action

General Rection comes out of the crowd and attacks Storm, so Skipper has to pretty much go it alone for a while before Lance returns to save him. Chavo hits Skipper with a frog splash for two and the crowd is completely uninterested in anything going on here. The match breaks down and we get a second ref bump in as many matches, as Skipper goes through a table and Storm hits Cajun with a chair for two. And the Maple Leaf finishes fast at 4:00. This was a complete mess. ½*

Shane Douglas joins us and threatens to Franchise the ass of any Filthy Animals who want to come out and take it. Aren’t there only like 2 of them left now? So Konnan accepts the challenge for a handicap match, because Douglas is already mentally handicapped, and promises to service Torrie after the win. “It’s on like Donkey Kong” notes Stevie.

Shane Douglas v. Konnan, Rey Mysterio & Tigress

The Animals quickly triple-team Shane in the corner, but Torrie gives him a can of mace and he sprays everyone to blind them, and the ref calls for the bell at 1:20 in an unclear decision. So the ref stopped the match because one guy was kicking too much ass against 3 people. What a feud. And then Shane handcuffs Konnan to the ropes and gives Rey a tombstone and it’s TO THE BACK. God the Animals are the lamest thugs ever, as Konnan is always like “YO WE’RE GONNA STAB YOU WITH A PRISON SHANK AND FUCK YO’ GIRL IN FRONT OF YOU!” and then they do a job to Dean Douglas in 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, Chuck Palumbo and Shawn Stasiak are squabbling now for whatever reason, but Coach Kevin makes them shake hands and be a team again.

Mike Awesome & Crowbar v. Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo

So now Crowbar is getting sucked into the 70s Guy universe. Coach Kevin joins us on commentary and declares that Hennig’s theme is the worst music he’s ever heard and they won’t be using it anymore. Chucky gets double-teamed by the 70s Guys with splashes, and the Thrillers get into another fight on the floor, allowing the babyfaces to hit them with dives. Back in the ring, the heels get it together and Stasiak puts the boots to Crowbar and hits him with an F5 for two. They fight to the floor and Nash gets bored and starts doing his drunken wrestling announcer impressions, while they continue having this awful and unhinged wrestling match that’s going absolutely nowhere. Stasiak gets a superplex on Awesome for two, but Awesome comes back with a belly to belly, and then the Thrillers collide and Awesome hits them with a flying splash for the pin at 6:00. This felt like it was 90 minutes long. *. Afterwards, Coach Kev has to make peace between the two Thrillers as they’re already breaking that team up now.

Meanwhile, David Flair goes to Sanders and demands a DNA match with Buff Bagwell.

Johnny the Bull v. Kwee Wee

Kwee Wee attacks and gets a monkey flip, but Johnny hurts himself on the bump and Kwee Wee pins him at 0:20. That’s about as Because WCW as you can get. And the replay looked GNARLY as you can see him landing on his own ankle and nearly bending it in half. This is something of an ironic development because the feeling in the company at that point was that everyone should just take it easy and not risk anything that might cause injury, since the company was about to be sold anyway. Which is why this episode is so incredibly lame. But Johnny couldn’t even half-ass it properly without hurting himself.

The Cat joins us and he’s tired of the dual commissioner crap, so it’s Cat v. Sanders for the position at Halloween Havoc. But first, Kronik threatens to ambush the Cat, so Goldberg hits the ring to save and it’s MORE TALKING. So Sanders makes Kronik v. Goldberg for Halloween Havoc instead and we TALK and TALK and TALK and I’m still not clear on why Kronik turned heel and started working with the NBT. I’m assuming they had to go long because of the Bull injury.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Shane Douglas

So Douglas gets a title shot tonight by virtue of macing the Filthy Animals, I guess? Scott Steiner is on commentary, which I’m sure will go swimmingly. They fight to the floor and brawl out there, and Shane comes off the middle rope with a forearm for two and then goes to a chinlock. So Steiner on commentary is bleeped all over the place, which was the infamous rant where he made fun of Torrie Wilson’s skin issues. Shane with a rolling necksnap and he goes to a neck vice while Steiner and Stevie have a bizarre back and forth on commentary about Poughkeepsie and how Harlem Heat aren’t real brothers. Booker comes back and they do a double down before Booker hits the spinebuster and axe kick. Booker with the spinarooni and sidekick, but Torrie gives Shane the chain and Kidman runs in and steals it, resulting in him getting bumped into Midajah. So Steiner naturally freaks out and destroys Kidman, and then Konnan runs out to save. And since Konnan always has to get his ass kicked, Jeff Jarrett runs out and does that, while Booker hits the Bookend on Shane to finish at 9:05. This is all supposed to be leading to Booker v. Steiner at the PPV, by the way.

Meanwhile, Midajah does a promo on Kidman in Spanish, but they still bleep her anyway.

Goldberg v. David Flair

Yeah you can guess how this one goes.

Scott Steiner v. Kidman

Steiner does a promo on the fans of Australia, although whatever the punchline is gets bleeped out, and then beats up some clown who tries to jump the guardrail. Kidman tries a dropkick and Scott drops an elbow on him after no-selling it, and follows with a press slam. Kidman tries to fight back and Steiner tosses him with a suplex, but tries a powerbomb and learns the hard way that you can’t do that. Kidman to the top and Scott cuts him off with a samoan drop from the top and then finishes with the Recliner at 2:12. A complete squash.

Jeff Jarrett v. Konnan

Jarrett attacks during Konnan’s lame “feel the material” bit and takes him to the floor for a brawl. Back in, they trade cradles for two and Jarrett puts him down with a clothesline, but Konnan comes back with the facejam and Tigress runs in for the broncobuster. But then Douglas and Torrie run in and Jarrett ends up hitting Tigress with the guitar and finishes Konnan with the Stroke at 2:25, as Konnan does his second job of the evening and gets his ass kicked pillar to post.

Kevin Nash visits a beer factory and receives his own personal brew. I heard it was called DUD-Weiser.

Lumberjack match: Sting v. Kevin Nash

Nash hits him with knees in the corner, but Sting quickly takes him down with the Scorpion Deathlock and the Thrillers have to pull him to the ropes because he’s too lazy to reach for them himself. Nash with the sideslam for two and the Snake Eyes follows. Nash with the neck vice, but Scott Steiner runs in and attacks Booker T outside, prompting a brawl with the lumberjacks while Sting makes the comeback. Stinger splash as Sting actually seems halfway motivated tonight, and we get our third ref bump of the show. Jarrett hits the ring, breaks his millionth guitar of the show, and Nash falls on top for the pin at 6:40.

This wasn’t a complete trainwreck like the Russo shows, but good lord I was sick of it by the halfway point. This is a group of people with guaranteed contracts who do not give a shit at this point and are just waiting for the company to die. Me too, brothers.