The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 09.04.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 09.04.00

Oh no…not this one….

Live from Dallas TX, drawing…eh who cares anymore.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Jeremy Borash

WCW World tag team title: The Filthy Animals v. The Insane Clown Posse

As usual the ICP’s entrance is cut out for musical reasons and instead they’re IN THE RING TO MY LEFT. If we had a ring announcer. Rey and Juvy chase the ICP to the floor while we’re blessed with Disqo and K-Dawg on commentary, with Madden openly dogging on Disqo for fun. Back in the ring, the clowns have some miscommunication as Konnan notes that the ICP are proof that you don’t need talent to compete in the business anymore. I think the entire WCW year thus far has proved that. The Animals hit a series of bronco busters on Shaggy in the corner, but Violent J hits Rey from behind and the clowns take over. J with a press slam on Rey, but Juvy dropkicks them over on a second attempt and the Animals double-dropkick him. And they finish J with a Whazzup at 3:45. And it’s immediately TO THE BACK. *

Meanwhile, Team Canada makes Major Gunns run on a treadmill to prove her Canadian mettle. We are indeed famous for having to run on treadmills because it’s too goddamn cold to jog.

Vince Russo joins us with the Thrillers, and there’s a giant monstrosity of a cage over the ring because this week is WARGAMES 2000: RUSSO’S REVENGE. Fuck my life. SIDEWAYS. Russo is a pretty effective troll here, wearing a New Jersey Devils jersey and mocking the Dallas Cowboys for losing the big American football match the day before. Apparently the ball-throwing guy getting a concussion is hilarious to him. BOY have I got some ironic news for him later in the show. Anyway, Russo explains that WARGAMES 2000 will have two teams of four, which he dubs the “Babyfaces” and “Heels”. And the World title is on the line. In the match with two teams of four. Also tonight there’s some legal mumbo jumbo that means Cat has no executive power while legal action is pending. Also also, even though the match has already been announced, the babyface team members have to win qualifying matches to get into the match. Also also also, Russo guarantees that he walks out as WCW World champion. The balls on this guy. This promise brings out Kevin Nash, current WCW Champion after last week’s show, and he’s naturally annoyed at Russo putting HIS belt on the line without asking him. We literally JUST did that whole bit last week where the heels pretended to turn on Russo and then SWERVED us because they were fooling and really loved Russo all along. And now we’re supposed to once again believe that Nash has a problem with Russo, which of course Tony buys into 100%. Nash clarifies that he’s not some kind of fighting champion! He only defends the belt once every 30 days, at the stroke of midnight on the 29^th day. This is so painfully meta that it goes all the way around again somehow. So then Sting appears from under the ring and Russo tells Nash to kick his ass, but Nash doesn’t work for free and walks out. And Sting does nothing, but intimidates Russo, so Vince runs up into the second cage to escape and we get a ridiculous chase up to the second cage as the heel team suddenly appears and brawls with the babyface team, who also suddenly appear. But then Russo manages to get away, while pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and then Goldberg appears and chases him away for good.

Meanwhile, Jeremy Borash gets his head shaved because he lost a ratings bet to Vince Russo last week, which is the kind of worthless inside baseball stuff that gets no one over and makes no sense to anyone who wasn’t on the internet.

The Harris Brothers join us and we get video of them starting a bar fight with Kronik.

Meanwhile, Shane Douglas wants Goldberg in the qualifying match later tonight, which Russo is a bit surprised to hear.

WARGAMES 2000 QUALIFIER: Sting v. Vampiro & Great Muta

If Sting wins, he’s allowed to enter the match he’s already announced for. But what if he loses? The face painted doofuses double-team Sting, but Muta mists Vampiro and Sting finishes with the Death Drop at 1:00. Why the fuck are they even bothering?

Meanwhile, Team Canada continues torturing Major Gunns.

Meanwhile, Stevie Ray complains to Vince Russo about having to face his brother tonight.

Meanwhile, Team Russo bitches about Vince Russo and Nash says maybe he’ll play for the other team tonight.

Hey, I’m not here to judge. Well not judge THAT. Everything else though.

WARGAMES 2000 QUALIFIER: Booker T v. Stevie Ray

In case you’ve forgotten, like me, Harlem Heat had reunited and then it was never really followed up because Booker won the title and because WCW 2000 in general. So they’re supposed to be friends again and thus both are filled with angst at having to sports entertain us. So Stevie attacks in the corner as the announcers get around to clarifying that if Stevie wins, he gets entered into the Wargames, which sounds horrible. GO BOOKER! Stevie beats on Booker outside and back in, Booker makes the comeback right away like he’s double-parked in a fire lane, and hits Stevie with the axe kick. Stevie no-sells that and tries the Slapjack, but Booker escapes, hits the Bookend, and pins him to advance at 2:00. And then they hug it out and the announcers treat it like we just saw a 25:00 marathon banger. Man that was TWICE as long as the first qualifier! What a classic! DUD

Meanwhile, Kronik finds the Jung Dragons and beat them up because they’re small and funny.

Kronik joins us again in the ring and beats up Three Count, because they’re also small and funny. Apparently this is them taking out their anger against the Harris Brothers. So they call out the Harris Brothers, which Tony claims is a match that “every fan in the world” wants to see. Give or take 99% of them. But then Jeff Jarrett interrupts and clarifies that they can’t have a match with the Harris Brothers because they’re already booked against the Cat tonight. Wait, Tigress worked twice last week! What kind of hypocrisy is the booker engaging in here? Guys I don’t think this wrestling show is entirely on the up and up.

WARGAMES 2000 QUALIFIER: The Cat v. Kronik

Cat appeals to their logical side, but Kronic wants the title shot and turns on Cat before chasing him out of the ring. So Cat goes after Jarrett, but Kronik attacks Cat again while Jarrett chases Miss Jones away from the ring. I still don’t know what narrative purpose Miss Jones serves on this show. And High Times finishes Cat as Kronik apparently takes Cat’s place in the match. Wait, isn’t that BAD for Russo’s team? Why would he WANT Kronik in the match?

Meanwhile, Russo actually does realize that this is bad for his team and he doesn’t want Kronik in the match because it’s stupid. OK, I’ll give him that one.

WARGAMES 2000 QUALIFIER: Shane Douglas v. Goldberg

“No one has ever called Mr. Russo stupid” notes Tony Schiavone. YES THEY HAVE. I call him stupid once a week just to stay in practice! HE’S STUPID. HIS IDEAS ARE STUPID. There, I just did it. Goldberg takes Shane down and goes after the ankle. Douglas bails to the floor and begs for mercy, and suckers Goldberg into swinging at the post and hurting his own arm. Back in the ring, Shane goes to work on the arm, but Goldberg has had enough and sets up to destroy him. So the NBT all run into the ring, but Goldberg beats them up by himself while the ref just watches. He even ROLLS THE DICE on Reno in the most ironic twist since the Sixth Sense! I don’t want to spoil the ending to that one in case you haven’t seen it yet, but the twist ending is a doozy. HINT: HE SEES DEAD PEOPLE. Jackhammer finishes Shane at 4:42. This was a match that happened. DUD

Meanwhile, Vince Russo is so worried about his chances tonight that he goes and apologizes to Kevin Nash, with Kevin wanting to make sure he walks out with his strap and Russo doesn’t walk out with it. If only. Look, I don’t compliment much about these stupid shows, but casting Kevin Nash as “lazy champion who doesn’t want to defend his title and is only in it for the money and merchandise sales from the fans he hates” is some God Tier scripting genius. And that’s a shoot, brother.

My god this show has broken my soul to the point where Kevin Nash makes jokes about being lazy and I’m like “Masterful ploy, sir!” What is this show DOING to me?

Meanwhile, Major Gunns is swimming laps in the pool in her final Canadian test, but MIA are a bunch of peeping toms, and everyone goes into the pool in an hilarious payoff. “But I don’t even want to be Canadian!” SAID NO ONE, EVER. Russo has written some stupid lines for people but that one is way up there.

Meanwhile, Russo books Vito against all of the Natural Born Jobbers in a gauntlet match. Apparently it might be a shoot. Well we’ll see.

Meanwhile, Arn Anderson isn’t sure about this wedding between David Flair & Stacy next week, but Ric Flair will be there, which sure feels like something they should have pushed a bit harder.

Gauntlet match that may or may not turn into a shoot: Big Vito v. The Natural Born Thrillers

Mike Sanders gets the main event heat by calling Dallas a bunch of Cheez Whiz sucking trailer park trash homeless people, and then Vito insinuates that they’re all gay for each other.

OH NO HE DIDN’T!

Vito fights off all six Thrillers but they quickly overwhelm him and everyone hits their moves as they all take turns running a train on him. Mike Sanders gets the pin at 2:20. So does this affect anything in the WARGAMES 2000 RUSSO’S REVENGE? I’m gonna say “no” but leave myself open to the possibility that they might change their mind before the match starts. DUD. And then after the sanctioned beatdown in the match they do another unsanctioned beatdown afterwards, which just seems like overkill. I mean, not for Vito, who gives a shit about him, for ME.

Meanwhile, the babyface team has just one word for Russo: BOOYAH. Well more than that but I don’t know how they’re gonna top that one word anyway. Also Goldberg doesn’t do promos with the other guys. Also maybe it’s time Sting went silent again for a while if “IT’S SHOWTIME!” is the only thing he’s capable of saying at this point. Sometimes it’s best to just keep quiet and let people think you’re brewing up something really poignant, ya know? I mean, obviously not me, I’m generally blindly tapping the keyboard like a monkey hopped up on Red Bull and producing excellence a good 97% of the time, but OTHER people.

WARGAMES 2000: RUSSO’S REVENGE!

So as far as I understand the rules here, the belt is hanging above the third cage and whoever can climb to the top and retrieve the title and exit the cage wins the match and the title, which is of course nothing to do with War Games whatsoever. Basically it’s just the same match as the David Arquette thing at Slamboree but with some more added climbing down. KEVIN NASH DOESN’T CLIMB LADDERS. That’s why he has interns. Tony notes that Sting and Jeff Jarrett are starting the match out for the first two minutes and if they want they can just climb up to the top of the cage and win the title before anyone else even comes out. If they want. This is already hurting my brain muscle so much. SO WHAT IS THE GODDAMN POINT OF THE TEAMS AND THE TIME INTERVALS AND ALL THAT SHIT THEN?!? Everyone knows that the WarGames doesn’t officially begin until everyone is in the ring and lines up for their dramatic social media friendly five on five posedown! Do I have to literally do everything here? Anyway, I digress.

So as noted we start with Sting and Jeff Jarrett and there’s already a bunch of weapons conveniently around the ring so they don’t even have to go digging under the ring for them, which puts them a fair bit up on the modern version already. Sting chases Jarrett around the floor and retrieves a ladder so he can whip JJ into it a few times. Scott Steiner is #3 at 2:00 and the not-nWo double-teams Sting and Tony notes that although there’s some teamwork needed, one man needs to win the belt. SO WHY ARE THERE TEAMS THEN? They put the boots to Sting and Kronik is a collective #4 at 3:45 because math is hard and Steiner climbs to the second cage and finds a pair of bolt cutters. Is he going after the title? Fuck if I know. Wouldn’t he motivated to NOT go after the title since they made it clear that he’s aligned with Kevin Nash and Nash was clearly not wanting any of his team to go after the title? Anyway Kronik double-teams Steiner in the second cage. Vince Russo and the Harris Brothers are a collective #5 because I guess math is even harder than in the last one. Scott Steiner should explain it to them. So the Harrisseses brawl with Kronik in the second cage now as they give us the match the entire wrestling world wants to see according to Tony Schiavone. They were literally in a cage match last week, I should point out. Anyway I digress. Vince Russo has a hockey helmet and Sting puts him in the Scorpion Deathlock. Kevin Nash is #6 at 8:00 and does not bring any extra help with him, so apparently he missed the memo. So he chokeslams Sting to save Russo, but then the nWbro talks him out of turning on Vince Russo and giving him the brain claw. Oh and Kronik brawls with the Harris Brothers out in the crowd, marking two straight weeks that they were booked to fight in a cage match and just walked out of it. Booker T is #7 at 10:00, and he hits Vince with an axe kick, but luckily Vince is wearing a hockey helmet so he’s safe. Goldberg is the last man in at 11:45 AND THE WARGAMES OFFICIALLY BEGIN.

I think?

The heels immediately take out Goldberg with a baseball bat while Booker is on the middle cage and Kevin Nash lives up to his promise and waits by the door to take out whoever tries to exit with the belt. Kevin Nash may be a lot of things – lazy, unmotivated, a liar – but he’s not a liar! Booker makes it to the third level as there is zero teamwork from this babyface side and that’s gotta be the difference-maker! Booker rescues the belt from the belt-holding hook and fights his way down while Smartest Man in Wrestling Kevin Nash guards the door and Sting ends up somehow handcuffed to one of the cages. Russo gets the belt somehow and taunts Goldberg, but the Cat comes into the match, because why not, and takes out Russo. But then Nash earns his pay by powerbombing Cat and taking his title back, at which point Goldberg breaks out of his handcuffs (oh sorry I forgot to mention he was handcuffed at some point because reasons) and goes to walk out the door with the title, but then Bret Hart returns for the sixth time that leads nowhere, slamming the door on Goldberg’s head to keep him from leaving. I believe that is actually Bret’s final appearance for real this time. And Russo and Nash reveal that they SWERVED US and were working together all along, and we were all fooled by them, and walk out together with the belt as Nash retains. The Observer review: “War Games was very strange.” That’s like a “Earth: Mostly harmless” level understatement for a match that literally killed off the gimmick so badly that it took nearly TWENTY YEARS for someone to resurrect it again. -**. I mean to be fair this was so far removed from “War Games” that you might as well have just called it “Russo’s Revenge” and no one would have cared anyway, but still, poisoning the War Games name was just another thing to put on Russo’s mantle here.

So this was quite a show.

Yup. I’m just kind of running out of words after 8 months and a bit of this stuff.

See you next week, maybe?