The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 08.07.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 08.07.00

I took a break from this shitshow for a few weeks but I guess we’re back into it again.

Live from Denver, CO, drawing 3851.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Also there’s a mudpit here.

Hey, speaking of mudpits, at this point in WCW’s history, a whole bunch of people were fired and never brought back again, most notably Eric Bischoff, who was changed to a “consultant” and permanently removed from the decision making process. This left Brad Siegel as the guy in control of the company, with Vince Russo making 100% of the creative decisions. I’m sure that’ll work out fine.

Vampiro, The Demon & The Great Mutav. The Jung Dragons

Vamp puts Jamie down with kicks and then throws him across the ring with a Border Toss, while Tank joins us on commentary and promises that their new song will be covered by “The Madonna of 30 years from now” as a new modern classic. I guess that means Lady Gaga will be doing her version of it? The Dragons bring a ladder into the ring, but Yang misses a flying splash off the top and Demon slams him to the floor. Muta comes in and misses a handspring, allowing Yang to hit a sunset flip for two. Muta dropkicks the knee and dragon-screws the knee into the figure-four (like THAT will ever get over!) and then counters a charge with the GREEN MIST and then finishes with the moonsault at 4:08. The Jung Dragons remain complete jokes but at least they still had a job at this point, I guess. **

Afterwards, Sting hits the ring and wants a fight RIGHT NOW, but something’s going on backstage between Kevin Nash and Goldberg! But first we take a break.

Back with Scott Steiner and Nash and Goldberg all yelling at each other and then we cut back to the ring as Sting gets bored of waiting and leaves. But then Scott Steiner interrupts his departure and attacks him with the steel pipe. Because he’s angry with Kevin Nash, you see. Look, do I have to draw you a diagram here?

The Cat joins us and promises to send Nash and Goldberg STRAIGHT TO JAIL if they show up again, because he can’t send them home. Because then they might get paid by WCW and he doesn’t want that. Next up, he’s booking a match for Scott Steiner. But not just any match. A PIPE ON A POLE MATCH. Against Sting. Sadly, before he can dance to celebrate his matchmaking, Lance Storm and his three belts interrupt. Seems he wants a World title match with Booker T to pay off his quest for all the belts. Hilariously, they have an actual PPV, IN CANADA, coming up six days after this, but apparently having Jeff Jarrett challenge for the title there was far more important of a main event. And Cat specifically tells the Canadian fans to kiss his ass and makes the match for tonight instead. I can’t imagine why that show didn’t save the company. Because WCW?

WCW World tag team title: Kronik v. Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire

They slug it out to start and Sean goes up and misses a dive, but he lands on his feet and superkicks Adams. But then Adams puts him on the floor and they all wait around while the challengers get into position for Clark to hit them with a dive off the apron. Meanwhile Palumbo & Stasiak join us on commentary while the teams trade stuff in the ring and the match is completely aimless. Kronik goes to finish Jindrak with the chokeslam, but O’Haire makes the save and they continue their meandering brawl. Clark with the Meltdown on Jindrak this time and O’Haire makes another save and then hits the swanton on Clark for two. Next, Kronik tries a Doomsday Device, but Stasiak runs in for the DQ at 4:25 and all four guys attack Kronik because they’re apparently in CAHOOTS. THEY’RE CAHOOTING! And then the Filthy Animals all run in and they beat up Kronik as well and steal the tag team titles because we haven’t seen THAT angle overdone enough in 2000 yet. Match was terrible. ½*.

Meanwhile, the Misfits decide to go after the Filthy Animals and steal the tag team titles back for Kronik, because apparently they can’t fight their own battles?

Buff Bagwell & Judy Bagwell v. Positively Kanyon & Pamela Paulshock

See, this was supposed to be Kanyon and Torrie, as if that would make any more sense, but Torrie refuses because Kidman has declared it “Torrie Wilson Appreciation Night” sarcastically and “she’s not just another bimbo in a D-Cup bra” and refuses to do any jobs tonight as a result. So Kanyon grabs Pamela from the interview area and that’s the match. Buff hits a neckbreaker on Kanyon to start, so Kanyon demands a tag and Pam won’t accept it. “Hey, she wants it, they say no but they all want it!” notes Mark Madden. Uh, gross. Kanyon clotheslines Buff to the floor and then punches Judy off the apron, as Buff’s mom does the worst punch sell I’ve ever seen and “falls” off the apron. Buff shows absolutely no concern over his mom, I should note. That prompts Pamela to slap Kanyon, but Mean Gene runs out with a neck brace and kicks Kanyon in the nuts. Buff Blockbuster finishes this trainwreck at 2:42. I mean, it wasn’t BORING, I guess.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo sis down with Tony Schiavone, and he can’t talk about Bash at the Beach for legal reasons. Vince then gets the greatest self-own in wrestling history after Tony asks him about the WWF departure you can’t even make this stuff up. So Tony asks him why he left the WWF, and Russo notes that he was writing the TV and “they were doing 6.9 and 7.0 ratings” but he felt that they had peaked, so he left. “And then you look at what they’re doing for the past 10 months and it’s basically at the same level since I’ve been gone”.

HOLY SHIT HE DOESN’T EVEN GET WHAT HE JUST SAID THERE. That is amazing! If they’re at the same level as they were before you left, what does that say about YOU, Vince?

Moving on, he continues trying to turn himself babyface by talking about how he’s fighting for the “new blood” and eliminating the people dragging the company down. Also he makes sure to note that he took Nitro “from a 2.8 to a 3.4” and then got sent home. I should note that Dave tears this bullshit argument apart so completely that I just have to reprint it here:

“He said WCW ratings went from a 2.8 to a 3.4 his first time in. Actually his first show in a three-hour time slot against football drew a 3.30, up from a 2.61 for a lame duck show from Nash. The 2.61 was a fluke since the shows in September, the month before Russo came, averaged a 3.38 against football. His last three hour show against football drew a 2.86, so numbers were declining during that first tenure, not increasing. He did draw a 3.38 his last show when football ended and Nitro went to two-hours, but that is the equivalent of a 2.9 for a three hour show against football and that ended up being an aberration because it was a 2.98 the next week, technically after Russo was gone, but that couldn’t be used as an excuse since so few viewers would have known since it was never addressed on TV so the trending downward at a quicker rate was already starting, which continued.

More important is that during that same period, house show business and PPVs declined greatly, which is why the money losses, which is the real numbers a company needs to worry about and not simply TV ratings on Monday, escalated during that period he was in control. Those losses are minute compared to the current level. It is true the Sullivan period was far worse and TV ratings plummeted and losses escalated. Overall the TV has improved greatly from the Sullivan period, but the ratings average for the Sullivan period and post-Sullivan period for Nitro are roughly identical and post-Sullivan had less network competition due to it now being rerun season, and the losses have grown at an even faster rate. Sullivan’s 11 weeks averaged a 2.80, but that’s a little misleading because he got one week unopposed, so throwing that out the real figure is 2.72. In the 18 weeks since, the show, which is a better show, has averaged a 2.66, and throwing out the week it was on a Tuesday and the first week which was a throwaway, it gets it up to 2.73. In seven of the 18 shows since Russo took over, the rating fell below the 2.52 level which was the all-time low mark for the show since going to two hours dating back to 1996, but he also topped 3.00 four times, a figure Sullivan was never going to top at the rate he was going.”

OK, back to Russo’s nonsense! Russo claims “I don’t want to be on TV” despite booking TWO episodes of TV where an interview with him is the featured segment this week, and then he challenges John Rocker to a match at Starrcade in December, “work or shoot”, and he’s dead serious, bro. Also he doesn’t care what the ratings are, bro! Which is hilarious because he just spent 10 minutes bragging about his ratings. It’s not about him anymore, it’s about what’s best for the company, apparently. That’s double hilarious considering what’s coming up in about a month.

OK that was definitely some high comedy.

PIPE ON A POLE MATCH: Sting v. Scott Steiner

So after suffering a horrendous beatdown with a steel pipe 30 minutes ago, Sting is now completely fine and ready to proceed with the match. Not even some fake rib tape or anything. Apparently the winner is just whoever grabs the pipe. Sting attacks with a chair on the floor and hits a flying clothesline back into the ring, but he goes up again and Scott catches him with an overhead suplex to take over. He drops an elbow for two, despite pinfalls not counting here, and then yells at the front row for a while before putting the boots to Sting and hitting another suplex. Ref is bumped, which brings Rick Steiner out for a run-in that knocks the pipe off the pole, so Scott grabs it for the win at 3:40. I have to assume that Johnny Ace booked the finish where they needed a screwjob run-in in a match where you had to grab a pipe to win. Couldn’t have been Russo. Actually I’m being double sarcastic because it was actually Johnny booking these finishes, so I swerved MYSELF, BRO. DUD. Kevin Nash comes out to save Sting afterwards. So this sets up a tag match main event later.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Lance Storm

I bet defecting to Canada is looking pretty good to a lot of you poor bastards now, isn’t it? Well, we’re probably electing someone equally nuts next year so if you’re coming up then you should probably hurry. Despite the crowd’s listless reaction to Storm’s challenge earlier, they are HOT for this. Booker dodges a leapfrog and hits Storm with a forearm while Mike Awesome has donuts delivered for his girlfriend on commentary, but they screw up and bring out ham sandwiches instead. I think those are actually Arby’s roast beef sandwiches. I’m assuming they have Arby’s in the US? They fight to the floor and Booker gets a suplex back in the ring, but Storm rolls him into the crab right away and Booker fights out of it. Booker blocks a superkick and puts him down with an axe kick and sidekick for two. Storm goes up and Booker reverses a bodypress into a powerslam for two. Storm reverses another slam into the Maple Leaf, which draws huge heat from the crowd, but Booker makes the ropes. Storm with a superkick, but Booker hits him with a spinebuster for two. Missile dropkick gets two. Storm escapes the Bookend, but a second try hits and gets the pin at 5:33. Unsurprisingly, this was the best Booker has looked as World champion thus far. ***1/4. This of course brings out Jeff Jarrett to attack Booker and continue that dire program, but Storm retreats and hides behind Awesome’s girl, resulting in her taking a guitar shot to the head. And Awesome is pretty pissed about it.

Meanwhile, Jeff demands a match with Mike Awesome later to settle their beef.

Meanwhile, the Wall accidentally walks into the women’s dressing room while looking for the Filthy Animals. Hilarity ensues.

Billy Kidman joins us for Torrie Appreciation Night, and instead of a sex tape this time he’s got footage of Torrie’s birthday party in 1992, where she’s wearing a Monica fat suit in a gag lifted wholesale from Friends. So this brings out Shane Douglas and the debuting Reno, who ROLLS THE DICE on Kidman and begins my irritation with that stupid fucking move for the next 5 years or so afterwards. So he’s introduced as the boyfriend of one of the Nitro girls as they continue dragging real life relationships into this fake show, but then have other real life relationships broken up like Torrie and Kidman, because everything you’re watching is fake, except for what you’re watching right now, which is real. Hope that clears it up.

Meanwhile, Kronik beats up Disco Inferno and no one gives a shit.

Meanwhile, Major Gunns throws Tigress into the mud pit, but even that has a run-in finish as Miss Hancock runs in and helps Tigress shove her into the mud. This is apparently setting up a Hancock-Gunns mudpit match at the PPV which I have blissfully wiped from my memory.

Jeff Jarrett v. Mike Awesome

Awesome attacks Jarrett on behalf of his woman, but Jeff clotheslines him to the floor and they brawl out there. Meanwhile some guy in the front row is dressed in a suit and has a sign that says “Agent Smith”, back when that was an edgy reference to make. This show certainly feels like I’m living in the Matrix and in need of waking up. A table gets involved and Awesome beats on Jeff with a chair, but Jeff crotches him and puts the boots to him to take over. Jeff has to be one of the coldest World title challengers they’ve had, which is saying something considering he’s already been in every other World title match on PPV in 2000 and he’s his own competition for the title of “coldest World title challenger”. Awesome comes back while Lance Storm, who looks like Justin Trudeau ate too many ketchup chips and Coffee Crisp bars and barfed up Canadian flags on him, waves the flag to distract Awesome. This allows Jarrett to knock Awesome out with brass knuckles, but it only gets two. But then Awesome runs into Storm and knocks him through the table at ringside and Jarrett finishes with the Stroke at 5:37. *1/2

Meanwhile, Kwee Wee introduces his wife Papaya and might be abusive to her. I do not understand what this character is supposed to be at all. I had fully bailed on SNL around the time of Chris Kattan and the cheerleaders / Goat Boy / What Is Love crap era that took over so this was definitely outside of my pop culture bubble in general.

Kevin Nash & Sting v. Rick & Scott Steiner

Nash hits Rick with the framed elbows in the corner, but Rick clotheslines him for two. Like seriously, can you imagine going back to say, 1997, and hearing that THIS was a main event match on a Nitro and that no one gave a shit and no one watched the show? How do you tank a promotion to that level? Sting comes in and gets double-teamed by the Steiners and choked out by Rick in the corner. Rick with a belly to belly for two. Scott with a bearhug but then it breaks down and Rick fights with Nash on the floor while Scott puts Sting in the Recliner. And then Goldberg runs in and kicks Scott in the head and Sting pins Scott to win at 5:23. Just a match. *1/2. Also I have no idea if I’m supposed to be cheering Goldberg or what at this point. But that’s OK, I don’t think anyone did.

And that’s Nitro!

Next up: NEW BLOOD RISING. More like Scott’s Blood Pressure Rising.