The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.24.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.24.00

Happy Thanksgiving to the Canadians! Still not sure what my timetable on reviewing WrestleDream is gonna be or if I’m just gonna save the $50 and skip it.

Live from Cleveland, OH. There’s no July 31 Observer on the website for whatever reason, so I don’t have any attendance info on this one. It’s looking pretty small though.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Scott Hudson

Lance Storm joins us with his new Canadian Heavyweight title, complete with cheap Canadian flag sticker on the front. So Lance plays the national anthem while Madden sings along, and then debuts “If I could be serious for a second…” as his catchphrase. He also notes that the moral standards of the US are at an all-time low (HOLD MY BEER says 2024…) and all the great champions come from Canada. So he’s issuing an open challenge for his title, which leads Vito to answer.

Canadian title v. Hardcore title: Lance Storm v. Big Vito

Vito attacks and hits Storm with clotheslines, but Lance gets a lariat out of the corner. Vito drops him on the top turnbuckle and slugs away in the corner, and then grabs a traffic cone and rams it into Storm’s crotch. Vito goes for a table but gets backdropped to the floor and run into the railing. Back in, they go to the top and Lance goes low and follows with a superplex for two. Storm rolls him up for two and cradles for two. Vito fires back with a double underhook suplex and he goes to the top and drops a flying elbow for two. Vito with the swinging DDT for two. Vito grabs a kendo stick, but Lance superkicks him and rolls him into the Canadian Maple Leaf to win the Hardcore title at 4:32 and add it to his collection. Good showing for Vito here but I think that was it for him as a featured guy. **

Booker T joins us and he declares Jeff Jarrett to be THE CHOSEN SCUM and #1 PLAYA HATER. Also Jeff should hate the game and not the player. That promo didn’t really make any sense or explain why they hate each other. So then Goldberg quickly interrupts and points out that Booker promised a title shot every week and he’s accepting that implied challenge. Funny how they just completely dropped the heel Goldberg act cold. But the Cat interrupts now and he doesn’t want Goldberg deciding his own title matches because he’s the one in charge, so he’s going to let the fans decide, and fans can vote on WCW.com for the next hour to decide the challenger. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? Cat tells Goldberg to get lost, which triggers a brawl and security breaks it up.

Meanwhile, the announcers explain that The Internet is in charge of booking the main event tonight, and the potential list of challengers is Goldberg, Sting and then 8 midcarders. I can only imagine what the internet would have done with this had they tried it today.

David Flair & Miss Hancock join us while Billy Kidman is on commentary, shilling a VHS tape that supposedly is a sex tape with himself and Torrie. So I guess this is a mixed tag match and Vince Russo is back in charge for good.

David Flair & Miss Hancock v. Major Gunns & Chavo Guerrero

David slams Chavo to start, but Chavo flapjacks him for two. David and Hancock are wrestling in suits and Gunns is wearing six inch heels on her boots so you know this is gonna be quality. Gunns and Hancock do a terrible hairpulling fight and Hancock goes up with a crossbody on David by accident, and Gunns rolls up Hancock to win at 2:44. Even Johnny Ace couldn’t book a finish to save this atrocity. -*** Afterwards, Major Gunns teases tearing off her shirt like she always does, but David and Hancock double-team her and tear off her shirt and she’s very upset about that. Yeah this was definitely Russo.

Meanwhile, the Cat has his phone call interrupted by Jeff Jarrett, who wants a title shot TONIGHT, so Cat gives him a shot against Kronik instead.

Meanwhile, Pamela Paulshock interviews someone under a mask like Darkman who claims to be Sting.

Meanwhile, Goldberg threatens to kill anyone who wins the internet poll if it’s not him.

Meanwhile, Bryan Clark is laid out by Jeff Jarrett’s guitar, I’m assuming because he’s still injured.

WCW World tag team title: Brian Adams v. Jeff Jarrett

Yeah it’s a singles match for the tag team titles, it’s Vince Russo. Adams slugs Jeff down for two and hits him with a piledriver for two. They head to the floor and Jarrett runs him into the post and stairs and then adds a piledriver on the floor for two. Back in the ring, Jarrett gets a bad DDT for two. Adams with the full nelson slam and big boot for two. Adams slugs away in the corner, but Jarrett grabs the guitar and hits him in the throat for two. Adams with an exploding gutbuster for two. Adams goes up and misses a splash, which brings Clark out to join the match and they double-team Jarrett and then decide to chokeslam him outside instead of trying to win the match. The ref protests, so Kronik puts him through the announce table and Jarrett runs away for a Sportz Entertainment Finish at 6:00. Bad match with a stupid non-finish and none of it made any sense or made Jarrett look like a threat to Booker T.

Meanwhile, Vampiro offers his ninja services to the Cat.

Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson and Shane Douglas get into a fight over the alleged sex tape.

Vampiro v. The Great Muta

The Cat is the special referee, but Vampiro and the clowns immediately attack him, and then Muta pretends to save and then SWERVES us and attacks him as well for another Sportz Entertainment Finish. So Muta goes heel because reasons and joins with the other painted jobbers. And they can’t even let THAT simmer, as the Cat immediately pops up from the beating and makes his own comeback, taking out both ICP and chasing them off. Holy shit this show is terrible.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Sting

As promised, Goldberg attacks Sting and runs him into the railing, which is apparently enough to prevent Sting from working the match, and they put him on a stretcher and everything. I guess this makes Goldberg a heel again? Because his opening interview was 100% babyface.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Goldberg

Goldberg hits Booker with a lariat as this is typical wrestling carny stuff. It didn’t matter who “won” the poll because Goldberg was getting the shot anyway. Goldberg hits him with the press powerslam and sends Booker to the floor for a shot to the railing. Booker gets busted open and back in the ring, Goldberg goes to work on the arm and armbars him while Booker makes the ropes. So then Stevie Ray tries to throw in the towel while the ref has his back turned, and then the Cat comes in and stops the match at 3:00, but can’t award Goldberg the title because Booker didn’t quit. WHAT? That wasn’t even a particularly impressive armbar but since when does a referee stoppage not change the title?

Also can we do a WCW.com poll for who should be booking this show?

Meanwhile, Booker and Stevie threaten the Cat and demand a rematch TONIGHT.

Buff Bagwell v. Positively Kanyon

Kanyon fails to show up so Buff declares himself the winner by forfeit, but it’s a SWERVE and the camera man is actually Kanyon, who tears off his Mission Impossible mask and hits Buff with a Kanyon Kutter. Man people who think Dynamite does too many angles should watch THIS show. And that’s not even a defense of Dynamite, they absolutely do too many angles. Anyway Judy Bagwell talks trash to Kanyon, and he chases her to the back and shoves Judy into the trunk of his car and drives off. We’re really getting into some legendary Russo garbage now.

Meanwhile, Billy Kidman promises again that we’ll see the Torrie sex tape tonight, in case anyone missed the original segment where they talked about the tape over and over at the beginning of the show.

Shane Douglas v. Mike Awesome

More Russo classics as Awesome is now officially the Fat Chick Thriller and brings women to the ring with him while Douglas and Torrie promise to wrap up the match quickly so they can go fuck and then get out of Cleveland. More carny garbage as the announcers are basically promising that we’re going to see a sex tape later in the show, which I can 100% guarantee will not happen. This is bottom of the barrel ratings desperation stuff. Awesome clotheslines Shane to the floor and follows with a crazy springboard dive down the ramp. Look, Awesome didn’t exactly set the world on fire in WCW but he would be completely justified in not doing 90% of what he did at this point and saving it for a better time. He clearly wasn’t going anywhere in this role no matter how hard he worked. Shane necks him on the way into the ring and follows with a front suplex and necksnap, and then goes to a neck vice. Awesome comes back with clotheslines and a slam for two. Whiplash slam and he goes up while Madden steals the “You called down the thunder…” line from Mallrats. But then Kidman plays the “sex tape” on the Nitro-vision, and Awesome sends him to the mat and pins him at 5:24. And then Shane chases after Kidman, while Lance Storm attacks Awesome and gets powerbombed as a result. *1/2.

Meanwhile, Shane Douglas attacks the technician who played the tape.

Billy Kidman joins us, promising that he made enough copies of the tape for everyone in the crowd. So like 500 then? So then we cut to a montage of people backstage watching the tape while Douglas seethes in the truck. I believe this sets up one of the most infamously terrible matches in wrestling history next week if I’m not mistaken.

Oh and there was a cage this whole time that randomly lowers now for an unadvertised four-way tag team cage match. And apparently the stipulation is that whoever the last team to escape the cage is will be eliminated from facing the tag team champions at New Blood Rising, while the other three teams will continue on to a tag team title shot.

Cage match Where Everyone Who Escapes Gets A Tag Title Shot: The Filthy Animals v. Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. MIA v. Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire

Konnan: “There’s so much green in the ring I feel like I’m looking at an avocado farm”. Everyone brawls on the floor while Rey and Juvy hide in the corner. Jindrak & O’Haire get thrown out of the cage by the Animals so they’re in the title match, and then Palumbo and Stasiak walk out at 3:30 so they’re in the title match. In the ring, Rey gives Rection a brono buster, but Palumbo locks everyone in the cage, at which point Konnan reveals that he has bolt cutters and undoes it. Meanwhile Disco appears on the top of the cage and makes a hole in the roof, while the Animals randomly find a ladder under the ring and decide to hit moves on the MIA rather than escaping. So then Rection makes a comeback and climbs out out of the roof hole, as does Rey, but Juvy and Cpl Cajun both fall out of the door and the announcers have no fucking idea how to even win this match and can’t decide if it’s over or if the guys on the roof need to make it to the floor. So this just keeps going and the Animals set up a table on the floor while Rection has an endless terrible fight with Rey and Disco on top. And Cajun goes through the table off-camera because reasons. So then Rection and Rey go back into the ring again now and the General powerbombs Rey and goes out the door to “win” the match at 9:44. This was one of the most ludicrously convoluted stipulation matches Russo ever shat out of his ADHD-addled brain and that’s covering a lot of ground. The announcers were just flabbergasted trying to follow along with the “rules” and attempting to figure out how to actually win the damn match.

Meanwhile, Goldberg throws Stevie Ray through a window because we haven’t had enough angles on this show so far.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Goldberg

We’ve got about 2 minutes left so this won’t be long. Goldberg wallops Booker to start and hits the powerslam before going after the cut, but now Jeff Jarrett runs in and hits Goldberg with the guitar. So Goldberg spears him, but the Cat runs in and kicks Goldberg down, and Goldberg gets rid of Cat, and then Booker hits Goldberg with the sidekick and Bookend for the pin at 2:13 to retain, although Goldberg immediately pops up and spears Booker, not even staying down for three, and then hits Booker with the jackhammer and beats up a bunch of security guys to end the show. So I guess this was supposed to be Booker “going over” but as usual there was a million things going on and none of it benefitted anyone. In particular Jeff Jarrett looks like a complete doofus heading into his millionth title match on PPV.

On the bright side I think we’ve only got about another 8 or 9 episodes of Russo Nitro before he’s gone for good. That’s what keeps me going through war crimes like this one. Now I retroactively regret enjoying the US title tournament episode so much.