The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.08.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.08.00

Here’s a weird thing: As a result of the WWE Network’s interface getting fixed a few weeks back, the Chromecast function has now been removed. Again, not that it really matters anymore. Even if they pull Nitro off whatever the Network turns into when it gets to Netflix, I’ll at least have made it to New Blood Rising by then and that’s always been my goal.

So we pick things up after Slamboree 2000, which wasn’t the worst PPV of 2000 by any means, despite David Arquette being in the main event and defending the WCW title.

Meanwhile, DDP visits Kanyon in the hospital in Kansas City, but the New Blood attacks him and luckily leaves him laying on a hospital bed. And then Kimberly dumps a bedpan on him because Vince Russo.

Meanwhile, the Millionaire’s Club arrives on their bus, and apparently Kronik is part of that faction? By the logic of Russo wouldn’t they be more New Blood?

Live from St. Louis, MO, drawing 6545 and the usual 50% freebies. Given that the TWA Dome holds tens of thousands, this made it the biggest money losing show of the year for them! So way to go, WCW! Ratings were even up a bit this week thanks to a dull RAW show, with the WWF only doubling them instead of tripling them like last week.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Scott Hudson

Eric Bischoff and the New Blood join us to start, with new member David Arquette and new WCW World champion Jeff Jarrett in tow. Bischoff explains that the entire thing was a setup all along and Page winning the title from Jarrett and then Arquette winning the title from Page was all a part of their master plan, which falls under Russo’s “You didn’t read the fine print!” explanations for stupid ideas. Like how does this make even the least bit of sense? Jeff Jarrett was World champion and his grand plan was to regain the title from himself? And then he bitches about “internet wrestling fans” who thought it was such a stupid idea to put the title on a celebrity, which is a weird flex after putting on one of the least-bought PPVs in history and then doing a Nitro that was down THIRTY THOUSAND tickets from the last time they came there. So then we get a David Arquette heel promo, which is him saying “WAZZZUP” a bunch of times, but DDP arrives in the back, ready to continue this program that is actively killing off the company at the box office. So we get a brawl as Page lays out Arquette to presumably write him out of the company, and Sting hits the ring to help.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff books Mike Awesome against DDP in a stretcher match, and then agrees to have Jeff Jarrett put the World title on the line against Sting in the main event, although he doesn’t check with Jarrett first. Because Sting is all done with Vampiro, see.

WCW Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. Norman Smiley & Ralphus

Apparently Norman gets fired if he doesn’t win the title tonight, which is another one of those Russo stips where they just announce it during the ring introductions. Norman sends Ralphus after Funk and that ends badly for him, and Norman brawls with Funk into the audience. Norman chases Funk with a golf cart as they head backstage. What kind of an outlaw mudshow does a golf cart chase during a supposed hardcore match? Norman ends up crashing the cart into a pile of boxes and they fight into the kitchen and hit each other with cookie sheets. Hudson clarifies that they’re “industrial strength cookie sheets” and Funk beats on Ralphus with the sheet and then pins both guys at 3:33 to retain the title. So their careers are OVER and we immediately move on. The PPV match was way better. DUD

Meanwhile, Ric Flair makes Lex Luger promise not to interfere in his family business tonight. Apparently Liz is no longer being held captive by Vince Russo despite Slamboree ending with her still captured. I guess she escaped on YouTube or something.

Ric Flair joins us with a pair of replica World titles, which are worth more than the real WCW World title at this point in time, and talks about tradition in St. Louis. Then he brings out David and tells him to make things right as a son. But David brings that scoundrel Vince Russo with him. He SPITS on tradition and all the St. Louis legends and mostly right on Ric Flair himself. Ric tells David that he’s going to work his way up from the bottom like everyone else, which is hilarious because the entire POINT of David’s debut in 1999 was President Flair giving his worthless kid the US title as a plot point. I guess that didn’t happen anymore. Oh but it gets better! Flair then tells David that if he comes back to Ric’s side, Ric will call VINCE MCMAHON on his cell phone RIGHT NOW and David will be on Monday Night RAW the next week so he can be a big star. This is amazing. 10/10, no notes. David of course agrees to this deal, but then turns on Ric again and smashes the Statue of Liberty on his head. So I guess this means that Ric is giving up the World title shot at the Bash that he randomly won on Thunder the week before for no reason.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair tells Lex Luger that’s had enough and he’s QUITTING WRESTLING. Oh Ric, we both know that’s not true and never will be.

Chuck Palumbo joins us doing his terrible impression of Lex Luger. First of all, you have to go ARRRRRRGH after every movement. So Chuck does a brutal promo, sounding like a complete deer in the headlights terrified for its life, and calls out Lex while nervously flexing. So that brings out Flexy Lexy and he attacks Chuck, making sure to go ARRRRRRRGH after every movement to show Chuck how it’s done, and then beats up some security guards as well before Chuck knocks him out with a flexer and allows Liz to get kidnapped. AGAIN.

Meanwhile, in the Vince Russo office, Vince blames Liz for fighting his benevolent leadership, and then books her against Daffney in a wrestling match. And then he promises that if she beats Daffney then he’ll rip up the contract and she’ll be free.

Shawn Stasiak v. Captain Rection

Rection slugs away in the corner while the announcers bring up WWF storylines from the 80s, but a blind charge misses because Curt Hennig turns on Rection and Miss Hancock is there for some reason and the Perfectplex finishes at 1:00 but then Kevin Nash comes out and beats up Stasiak and also the Misfits in Action are no longer fired because reasons. So Nash complains about Vince Russo attacking him at Slamboree and promises to face Russo tonight. But Billy Kidman and Konnan interrupt, announcing the reformation of the Filthy Animals. And apparently Nash is going to have to toss their salad. To be fair, Nash had bad knees and probably wouldn’t be able to…you know, never mind. Nash beats them all up too 1-on-3 and then buries them on the mic after. This segment did a tremendous job of putting over Kevin Nash, you have to give it that. Oh wait, it was supposed to get Stasiak over? I had honestly forgot where we started 10 minutes ago when this segment began. Anyway Hulk Hogan also is there and he is teaming up with Nash for a STREET FIGHT. TONIGHT.

Stretcher match: Mike Awesome v. Diamond Dallas Page

DDP attacks and they brawl to the floor, where Bischoff and Kimberly are doing commentary in the most annoying manner possible. So Kimberly does a run-in and demands that Page sign the divorce papers, but that’s just a distraction so that Awesome can hit Page with a chair to take over. Awesome gets a table as Page fights off a trip on the stretcher, and Page takes a powerbomb through that. Bischoff forces Page to “sign” the divorce papers by moving his hand with a Sharpie, and then Awesome puts him on the stretcher for the win at 6:30. This was surprisingly bad, mostly just Page selling. ½*.

Scott Steiner joins us to brag about being the real Hugh G. Rection, but Tank Abbott attacks from behind, goes low, and puts Scott out with a punch. I guess Steiner is out of the New Blood now?

Meanwhile, Sting promises to score a touchdown against Jeff Jarrett tonight.

Not For the WCW Tag team titles: Kronik v. The Mamalukes v. Harlem Heat 2000 v. The Harris Brothers

OH MY GOD is this team still around? I could have sworn that Tony Norris lasted like 2 shows and then left and we’re actually four months in now and still going. Kronik is carrying the belts around but “won” them by counting their own pinfall on Thunder with no referee, so we don’t actually know who the champions are. Buff and Shane are apparently still the legal champions but I don’t think they ever got the belts back. So this is supposed to be a handicap match with all the other teams against Kronik, but everyone just kind of brawls aimlessly and Adams pins Vito at 2:37 after some kind of slam. And then something else happens and the Harris Brothers get eliminated at 3:00. The Heat double-teams Clark while Buff tries to run-in, but then Stevie Ray turns on Big T for no adequately explored reason and he gets pinned at 4:30 while Buff steals the belts back. -* And then Scott Steiner comes out again, destroys everyone, and Kronik steals the belts again. And Steiner is shutting the show down until Tank Abbott comes out and “stops gumming Russo in the back”. Oh no, WE’RE OFF THE FORMAT SHEET now!

Tank Abbott joins us after the break, doing Goldberg’s entrance, and I guess it’s a match.

Scott Steiner v. Goldberg

They slug it out and Steiner chokes him out on the mat, but then Rick Steiner comes out of the crowd to calm things down, and immediately turns on his brother because Russo. We already saw the Steiners fight each other, and it was terrible and no one wanted to see it. So I guess it makes sense that Russo, who has no sense of history beyond two weeks previous, would run it back again.

Elizabeth v. Daffney

Liz quickly smacks Daffney around, but Madusa runs in and beats on Liz for the DQ at 0:40. So I guess Liz is free from Russo? Mona then returns and attacks Madusa for the save. Madusa powerbombs her and beats her up further, but Liz grabs a chair and saves. But then Madden explains that she didn’t win so she’s still with Russo. That makes zero sense. Also this marks the second time in the SAME EPISODE that Liz has been kidnapped by Vince Russo.

Hulk Hogan & Kevin Nash v. The Filthy Animals

Who’s the blond kid with Konnan? Also Mike Awesome joins the Animals team, probably because Nash didn’t want to sell for anyone otherwise. Also Juvy comes out “for no apparent reason” according to Tony, as even the announcers are using my material. So Nash throws the Animals around the ring, but they bail and run away from Hogan while Juvy attacks Nash with a missile dropkick. So we cut to the back, where Horace Hogan shows up, but is unable to prevent Hulk from getting shoved in the trunk of a car and kidnapped. Maybe they’ll bury him in the desert, too. And then Nash powerbombs Juvy in the ring and the bell rings at 2:24 because reasons. I literally have no idea what Awesome was supposed to be doing here or what purpose he served.

BUT WAIT! The Animals run into Goldberg’s monster truck, and flee the car in terror as a result. Also Hulk somehow manages to escape the trunk.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Sting

Sting, apparently not getting the memo about this being WCW 2000, is actually all fired up and slugs away on JJ in the corner before taking him to the ramp and trying a dive, which misses. So they fight up the ramp as Tony describes the “long elaborate plan” of Russo to get the title off of Jeff Jarrett and back onto Jeff Jarrett, but Sting clotheslines Jarrett back into the ring with a reverse Cactus clothesline. Jeff gets the figure-four, but Sting fights out and reverses it, and then hits the Stinger splash and Scorpion deathlock. The crowd goes crazy for that, but Vampiro shockingly shows up again and pulls Sting under the ring, does mysterious stuff with red liquid, and drags him back out for Jarrett to get the pin at 5:37. The New Blood comes out for the beatdown after the match, but THANK GOD Kevin Nash is still in the building so he can literally beat up the entire New Blood faction by himself and I’m not even exaggerating.

And finally, the Goldberg monster truck crushes what is described as being “Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott’s car”, because I guess they’re in a domestic partnership and sharing a vehicle now, and also the announcers instinctively can look at a car being crushed by a monster truck and identify which wrestlers were driving it.

So yeah that was another week of Nitro. Hopefully Liz is keeping her kidnapping punch card because I think she gets a free large Pepsi if she hits 10 of them.