The SmarK Rant for WCW Slamboree 2000 – 05.07.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Slamboree 2000 – 05.07.00

(For those wanting context around the writing of these things, both the Nitro episode from yesterday and this one were done in one marathon session on Canada Day because the family was out of town for the day anyway, so I pounded some energy drinks and did my best Tommy Dreamer (Mariah May?) “I’m hardcore, I’ll take ’em both!” war cry before proceeding through 5 hours straight of WCW 2000.).

Live from Kansas City, MO, drawing 7165 and a 0.14 buyrate for third-lowest of the year and one of the worst of all time. Get used to hearing that as the year progresses.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

BUT FIRST! Thunder this past week saw a randomly booked 22 man battle royale, complete with the return of Randy Savage that went nowhere, resulting in Ric Flair winning a World title shot at the Great American Bash!

Spoiler: Ric Flair did not in fact receive a World title shot at the Great American Bash.

WCW Cruiserweight title: Chris Candido v. The Artist

Tammy sounds drunk off her ass as usual. Hopefully they at least sprung for a driver for her at this point. Candido gets a cradle for two to start, but the Artist gets a german suplex for two. I’m not actually clear on who the babyface is supposed to be here, but we’ll assume Iaukea I guess? He backdrops Chris over the top for a nice bump and they fight out there, where thankfully they have an old school entrance ramp this month after all the women nearly died trying to walk the metal grating at Spring Stampede. Back in the ring, Candido chops him in the corner and tosses him to the floor again, but then Artist suplexes him to the floor as Candido is out there taking incredibly stupid bumps for someone jerking the curtain in a dying promotion. Back in the ring, Artist gets a powerbomb, nearly losing Candido in the process, but they go up and Artist completely whiffs on his stupid diving DDT, landing on his ass and improvising a rollup for two instead. Oh this is embarrassing to watch. Candido goes up and Artist brings him down with a samoan drop, but Tammy takes the ref, which prompts a catfight with Paisley on the ramp. But then Tammy grabs a chair, hits the Artist with it, and Candido gets the pin. But then they decide he kicked out and stop the music, at which point Candido piledrives him and pins him again with a diving headbutt at 8:01 to retain. This was pretty bad, especially the finish. ½*. Afterwards, Tammy gets her dress pulled off, while wearing more clothes underneath than you typically see on PG-rated TV shows.

Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. Norman Smiley

Funk goes after Norman in the bathroom, accusing of him being a “possum playing son of a bitch”, but Norman ambushes him with a fire extinguisher and throws a variety of objects at him. That gets two as Norman’s mystery partner lurks in the background as backup. Norman keeps smashing him with plunder, but Funk runs him into the interview set and then throws chairs at the other guy, who was presumably the guy in the mascot costume on Nitro. Funk slams trash cans into Norman’s head, but Norman runs him into the equipment crates while the announcers bury the mystery partner. The guy lightly hits Funk with the trash can, distracting him long enough for Norman to make a comeback and take the fight to the gorilla position. So then Funk grabs the masked partner and hauls him into the arena for a beating with a chair, which knocks off the catcher’s mask and reveals Ralphus underneath. The poor guy has to bump into the ring, while Funk pulls his pants off his ass and horrifies the arena, but Smiley makes the save and puts Funk down with a chairshot for two. Norman tosses a ladder at him and does the dance, and then Ralphus also does it, so Funk hits him with a chair and knocks him out, and then rolls up Smiley for the pin to retain at 10:00. This was a lot of a lot but not the worst Hardcore title match of the year or anything. **

Meanwhile, WCW World champion David Arquette arrives in his limo.

Curt Hennig v. Shawn Stasiak

Stasiak slugs away in the corner, but Hennig hiptosses him and sends him to the floor as the crowd is surprisingly hot for this. Back in the ring, Shawn gets a crossbody for two and a sunset flip for two. Hennig comes back with a kneelift and they fight to the floor. Back in, Stasiak hits a flying clothesline for two. Stasiak with a sleeper and Hennig does the two arm-drops as the crowd continues to be shockingly into this stupid midcard feud. Shawn goes up and misses a flying bodypress, and Curt makes the babyface comeback as they’re keeping it super simple. Hennig with a backdrop and he slugs away in the corner, but Stasiak uses Hennig’s kryptonite, the CORNER CATAPULT OF DEATH, and finishes with a Perfectplex at 7:50. Hey, he sure had Hennig scouted well with that one. Nobody cares about Stasiak but the crowd really wanted Hennig to win. *1/2

US title: Scott Steiner v. Hugh Morrus

I was under the impression that Hugh got fired on Nitro, although maybe he got unfired on Thunder? And before the match, he declares that he doesn’t ever want to be called that stupid “Hugh Morrus” name again, and from now on you have to call him his real name, Captain Hugh G. Rection. Good lord.

US title: Scott Steiner v. Captain Hugh G. Rection

Scott beats on the Captain in the corner to start, but Rection puts him down with a clothesline and chases him to the floor. Madden notes that they’re working stiff tonight. Well he usually stumbles into one funny line per match. The girls distract Rection, and Steiner attacks from behind, but Rection hits a leg lariat for two. Hugh goes up and drops a flying elbow, but the girls trip him up on a second try and Steiner puts the boots to him and chokes him out. Steiner drops an elbow for two and gives us some pushups before choking him out some more. Belly to belly gets two. Scott with a bearhug and he turns it into an overhead suplex before going to debate some guys in the front row. Back in, he misses a charge and Rection comes back bigger than ever with corner splashes, but he walks into a clothesline. Steiner with a butterfly bomb, but he tries a tombstone and Rection reverses him into his own. Moonsault misses, although his leg lands right on the back of Steiner’s neck in an ugly spot, and then a pissed off Steiner finishes him off with the Recliner at 9:28 to retain. Yes, he put Hugh G. Rection between his legs and pulled on it until the finish. You could tell Hugh was trying really hard to get something out of Steiner here, but he was just moving so slowly and spent too much time jawing with the fans between moves. **1/2.

Meanwhile, Kanyon wants no part of the New Blood and he’ll always stand behind DDP. I believe that’s what we call foreshadowing.

Mike Awesome v. Kanyon

Awesome immediately tosses him and hits him with a dive before running him into the stairs. Kanyon reverses him into the post and adds a baseball slide into the post, and then he somersaults off the apron when Awesome bails to the floor. Back in, Awesome necks him on the top for a big bump from Kanyon, and follows with a flying clothesline for two. Kanyon bumps to the floor again and they brawl out there, allowing Awesome to take a running swing with a chair and knock him into the front row. Obviously if ANYONE was gonna be able to slide right into whatever style Awesome needed to look good, it’s Kanyon. Back in the ring, Awesome hits him with a slingshot splash for two. Running clothesline and Kanyon fights back with a sunset flip, but that only gets one before Awesome cuts him off with another clothesline. Back to the floor, where Awesome beats on him with another chair and chokes him out, but he goes up and Kanyon crotches him in desperation and brings him back in with a draping neckbreaker off the top. That gets two. Kanyon with another neckbreaker for two. Crossbody is reversed by Awesome, for two. Kanyon with an F5 for two. Kanyon tries a piledriver and Awesome reverses him into a whiplash slam and puts him down with a lariat. And then Awesome powerbombs Kanyon RIGHT ON HIS FUCKING NECK and how is this man not dead? You know what I mean. Awesome pulls up the mats and hits Kanyon with a slingshot shoulderblock, but Kanyon escapes the Awesomebomb to the floor. But then Awesome suplexes him on his neck again and Kanyon bails to the ramp to escape, so Awesome pulls up more mats. But then Kevin Nash does a walk-in and brawls with Awesome for the DQ at 12:00. Well that was a shitty finish to what was shaping up to be a great match. ***1/2. Also Kanyon got himself over as a big babyface here, but I believe he turns heel shortly after this show to negate that.

Buff Bagwell v. Lex Luger

We get a posedown to start and Bagwell puts Lex down with an elbow for two and goes to a chinlock. So glad they rebooted the promotion so we can get fresh new matches we’ve never seen before, like Buff Bagwell v. Lex Luger! Lex comes back with a suplex and atomic drops before slugging away in the corner. Buff bails to the floor and Lex hits him with an axehandle off the apron Back in the ring, Buff drops him on the top rope and follows with a DDT for two. Buff with the chinlock and that goes on for a while, but Lex fights out and we get a double down. Buff is up first with a splash for two. Back to the chinlock, but Liz steals the Russo bat in a backstage segment, and hits the ring, where she hits Buff in the ribs and allows Lex to finish with the Torture Rack at 9:37. But then Chuck Palumbo interrupts the celebration, making his debut to lay out Lex as the new Total Package. Russo loves people imitating other people. So then Buff kidnaps Liz again to keep that loser storyline going. Also for a real life couple, Liz and Lex had ZERO chemistry together on-screen. Lex looked old and slow here and Buff was his usual lazy self. *

Ric Flair v. Shane Douglas

Flair continues wrestling in street clothes and they trade hammerlocks before Shane backdrops him out of the corner. Shane slugs away, but charges and runs into an elbow and they trade chops. Flair goes up and gets slammed off, and Douglas gets the figure-four and Flair makes the ropes as the crowd is shockingly hot for this one. Flair fights back with more chops and goes low to send Douglas to the floor and they fight out there. Back in, Douglas with a back suplex and he finds his trusty chain in the boot and knocks Flair out with that, but instead of going for the pin he just suplexes him for two instead. They slug it out in the corner and Flair wins that before dropping a knee on the crotch and then kicking a field goal on Shane’s little franchise. Flair clips the knee and goes for the figure-four, but now Buff Bagwell and “Sting” run in and the fake Sting hits Flair with the baseball bat (while the announcers declare that it’s Vince Russo) and Shane gets the pin at 8:50. But then the REAL Vince Russo comes out and the Sting reveals himself to be David Flair, which is apparently shocking even though David turned on his father dozens of times in 1999. Anyway, Douglas talked a lot of shit for the years leading up to this, but in the end he’s a professional and they had a good match that wasn’t particularly remarkable. ***

Vince Russo v. Ric Flair

So Russo gets 5:00 with Flair, but Kevin Nash immediately hits the ring for his second saunter-in of the evening, at which point Russo and David Flair and Daffney attack him from behind and lay him out with the bat.

Vampiro v. Sting

Sting attacks on the ramp and gets a suplex out there, then slugs Vamp into the ring and hits him with a missile dropkick and chases him to the floor. Sting with a double axehandle off the apron and they brawl outside. Sting with a DDT out there, but Vamp goes low in the ring and chops him down before following with a flying clothesline. Vamp finds a lead pipe and beats on Sting with that, but they go up and Sting goes low on him and powerbombs him before using the lead pipe himself and following with the Stinger splash. Scorpion Deathdrop finishes clean at 6:47. Fine little midcard match here. **1/2.

Billy Kidman v. STONE COLD TERRY BOLLEA

Eric Bischoff is the special referee here to really let Hulk fight from underneath. Kidman attacks at the bell and dares to rip off the do rag, and then cradles for two. Hulk tosses him onto the top rope crotch-first and clotheslines him to the floor, where he grabs a chair and slams Kidman onto it in the ring. Kidman manages to take him down with a rana, and they fight to the floor again so that Kidman can hide behind Torrie and then attack. Back in the ring, Hulk makes a comeback, but he goes after Bischoff and that allows Kidman to steal Hulk’s own weight belt and beat on him with that. Hulk tosses him out of the ring again and Kidman hurls himself around the ring for the old man, and back in Bischoff decides not to count the pin. Hulk with a suplex and still no count from Eric, and Kidman puts the boots to Hulk to take over again. He necks Hulk on the top rope, but Hulk makes the comeback with the big boot, but Bischoff prevents the legdrop, so Hulk punches Eric out and drops the leg anyway. So Bischoff rightly goes to get a chair to defend himself from this maniac, but Hulk steals it and takes out Kidman and Bischoff before throwing tables in the ring. So then Kidman gets another chair and knocks Hogan out with that, but Bischoff is also knocked out and it only gets two. But then Hulk makes another comeback and powerbombs Eric through a table. So then we get ANOTHER table and Kidman puts him on that, but misses a splash and goes through it instead, at which point Horace forces Eric to make the count at 13:38 so Hogan wins. They were having a decent match with Kidman taking all the bumps before it went completely off the rails with the tables and blood and chairs. **1/2.

That being said, the thing is, we know with hindsight that none of it worked. Kidman did not get over in this role and in fact Hulk drained his career like a vampire and left him for dead, never to sniff anything past the opening match again. And you could argue that Hulk was the bigger star and shouldn’t have done the job, but this is one of the least-bought PPVs in company history, coming off one of the lowest-rated Nitros in company history, with an arena full of people who had to be comped because they couldn’t sell tickets on Hogan’s name any longer. There was ZERO evidence that Hulk was any kind of a positive draw, and in fact it was even worse because the arenas filled with freebies were all cheering for him and WCW kept accepting that as evidence that Hulk was still moving numbers. He was not.

Anyway, the guy to feel bad for is Billy Kidman, who got pushed WAAAAAAY behind his paygrade here and ended up looking like a chump, when realistically his ceiling was doing occasional US title challenges and losing. Or the position he was in up until this point, Cruiserweight champion and pillar of the division. Regardless, it was time for Hogan to go.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo tries to kidnap Liz again, but he accidentally throws her into the bus with Lex Luger while Nash stands there drinking beer.

WCW World title, Ready to Rumble Triple Cage of Doom or Death or Whatever!: David Arquette v. Jeff Jarrett v. Diamond Dallas Page

So in case the stips weren’t silly enough as it is, this match has the lower level filled with ladders, and then the middle level is a hardcore match filled with other weapons and the top cage is really high or something. So it’s got some stakes. Arquette is dressed like an extra in that terrible 3000 Miles from Graceland movie and he runs away from everyone while Page hits Jarrett with a discus clothesline and uranage. David tries a flying splash and misses, so DDP goes back to beating on Jarrett on the floor, but Jeff dropkicks a ladder at him. Back in the ring for another slugfest, but Arquette tries to get involved and Jarrett hits him with a forearm on the floor as a result. So Page takes out JJ again and busts him open on the cage. This thing is like Hell in a Cell but there’s about 17 people in there counting the referee and all the cameramen. It’s almost encompassing the whole front row as well. Page and Jarrett fight for the ladder and this is just so non-dramatic because the match can’t proceed until everyone makes it to the next level so there’s no dramatic tension to it. It doesn’t really work unless you’re doing it the REVERSE like at Bash 88, where you’re starting at the top and fighting to get to the bottom so you can escape. And even then it’s kind of a stupid idea. And yeah I know, Uncensored 96, never mind. So DDP gets the trap door and gets to the second level at 7:48, quickly joined by Jarrett because there’s no one to stop him anyway. So they trade a couple of weapons shots and the idea is that you have to go out the door of this one and then climb up to the last cage and get the belt. So they manage to make like Jericho and BREAK THE WALL DOWN, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t intentional, and then a table gets broken because reasons. Next stop: THE GUITAR ROOM. But first Mike Awesome runs in and fights with DDP on the second level, thus completely throwing out the premise that it’s an inescapable cage match in the very first one, while Arquette climbs to the top of the cage, where he can grab the belt whenever he wants, and choose not to do so. Anyway, I’m getting distracted, because they’re in the GUITAR ROOM, filled with all the guitars broken by Jarrett without drawing a dime, and they hit each other with guitars before Page gives one to Arquette for safekeeping. But shockingly, to the surprise and shock of everyone, David SWERVES us and hits Page with the guitar in the ULTIMATE SWERVE 42 FEET IN THE AIR and Jeff Jarrett regains the title at 16:14. But at least we know that the belt is on someone who will likely hold it for a while and stabilize things. So then Kanyon tries to save DDP, but Awesome throws him off the cage and onto the ramp, which was considered seriously problematic at the time because of Owen Hart. But let’s face it, this match was so fucking goofy and unserious that you can’t even look at it as anything but another stupid bump in a stupid match 24 years removed from the original context. And if you as a fan today didn’t have the context of knowing the arena and specific timing of the show, it would mean nothing anyway. So it doesn’t really bother me at this point. Honestly if they had asked Sting to rappel in for his match, THAT would have been 100 times more tone deaf and thankfully no one went that route. Anyway, was the match good? No, not particularly. It felt like just another dumb Russo idea on an episode of Nitro, not a PPV main event, but it wasn’t offensively bad or anything. **1/2

And that’s my feelings on the show overall! It didn’t feel like a PPV, it felt like a good episode of Nitro building up to a better PPV, but of course there was no better PPV that came. I think we have to kind of accept that this is about the best you’re gonna get out of Vince Russo booked WCW in 2000 and adjust expectations accordingly. Is it worth watching? No. Is it the worst show of the year? Not even close. It’s fine. Do with that what you want. At least the Arquette “era” is over. Sometimes that’s enough.