The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.01.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.01.00

Well today was a terrifying omen for democracy in America moving forward, so let’s watch some Nitro I guess.

Live from Birmingham, AL, drawing 3600 paid and another 3000 freebies. Boy that Arquette title win sure paid off immediately, didn’t it? Oh also this was the lowest rated episode of the show in history if you don’t count the first 2 or 3 episodes back in 1995. So that kind of blows the Russo excuses out of the water.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

David Arquette is in the parking lot with his new World title to start us out, and Courtney Cox is concerned for his safety.

Meanwhile, we get a brawl between the New Blood and Millionaire’s Club in the backstage area, as Hogan debuts his BADASS “FUNB” vest all the kids were buying in 2000.

Crowbar v. Norman Smiley

They keep saying that the Hardcore title “was the one that got away from the New Blood” as the announcers continue ignoring the fact that NO ONE FROM THE NEW BLOOD WAS IN THE MATCH. Smiley brings a hockey mascot with him, and Crowbar wedges the guy in the ropes by his giant head, like when Skippy got his head wedged in the banister on Family Ties, leaving him helpless. Smiley and Crowbar fight on the floor and Norman gets two. Crowbar splashes him off the apron and that gets two. Madden asks the question we’re all asking: Why doesn’t the mascot just take off the damn head? Back in the ring, Crowbar goes low on Norman and pretends to rape the mascot, but then Norman does it back to Crowbar, at which point the mascot finally frees himself. Crowbar hits him with the cane while the announcers bury how worthless the mascot is as a partner. Norman trips over his own partner and somehow rolls into a pin at 5:03 in a stupid spot that doesn’t even make sense. Apaprently the mascot will be teaming with Norman at Slamboree, really selling it hard and making me want to see it. Match was a usual hardcore opener. *

Meanwhile, David Arquette tells Page and Kanyon that he doesn’t deserve to be champion and he wants to give it back. And a whole bunch of people are apparently arriving for the show really late. And then we cut to another parking lot, with Arquette talking to Courtney again, as they clarify that it’s earlier at a movie set, which at least explains why he was just dressed differently in a different building 10 seconds before. Kurt Russell stops by and and tells Cox that it’s time for their nude love scene and then laughs at the idea of David as champion.

Meanwhile, Shawn Stasiak does some three-point shots. Well one of them.

WCW World champion David Arquette joins us with his Jersey Triad buddies as backup, and he’s ready to relinquish the title because he doesn’t deserve it and someone like Booker T does. So he’s letting DDP and Jarrett compete for it at the PPV, but Jarrett and his crew interrupt. Bischoff wants to torture Arquette, so he forces him to defend his title, and then books him against Tank Abbott tonight. Tank comes out and they threaten a brawl, but security clears the ring. And then Tank rebooks the match and now it’s against DDP instead of Arquette? I don’t really understand what was happening in this segment and what the motivations were. So I guess now if Tank beats DDP, he gets the title match with Arquette?

Meanwhile, Stasiak shoots more free throws.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff brags to Hugh Morrus about being the “Knute Rockne of professional wrestling” and threatens to fire any of Hugh’s “Misfits in Action” friends if they interfere tonight.

Tables match: The Wall v. Horace Hogan

Why is this is a tables match? No idea. It just is. Wall throws Horace into the ring and goes up, but Horace brings him down with a draping DDT and a death valley driver. This brings out Miss Hancock, who I thought was with Shawn Stasiak doing basketball drills, and Billy Kidman runs in and allows Wall to put Horace through a table at 2:13. DUD. But then STONE COLD TERRY BOLLEA comes out and makes the save and beats up three heels by himself before Mike Awesome puts him through a table.

Meanwhile, Vampiro is all creepy and out of focus in a graveyard.

Vince Russo joins us with Elizabeth still chained up, and challenges Lex Luger to a match TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING.

Jeff Jarrett v. Scott Steiner v. Hugh Morrus

So now the announcers clarify that David Arquette is defending the title in the cage match on the PPV, which we here in the future of course know, but wasn’t made particularly clear by his previous appearance. The heels attack Morrus, who is dressed like Spike Dudley in their attempts to make him into the next big babyface. Steiner with a belly to belly and Jarrett gets two, but that upsets Steiner for some reason. Jarrett tries the Stroke but Scott breaks that up, allowing Morrus to make a comeback, but he misses the moonsault on Jarrett. Steiner with the Recliner on Hugh, but Jarrett breaks it up with the guitar and Morrus falls on top for the pin at 2:34. *

Meanwhile, Sting has shown up at the graveyard to confront Vampiro, and it’s so dark that it’s like watching The Batman in HDR on Netflix.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff fires all the Misfits in Action.

Meanwhile, Sting is wandering the graveyard in pitch black even though it was still daytime in the earlier outdoor scenes, but Vampiro attacks him with a shovel. I think? And then Sting ends up in a grave but he’s still alive. The announcers are all very excited about this crap and have to act like it’s exciting and edgy.

Oh apparently that was an official match that ended in a no-contest. For those keeping track or laying money on GamblingKings.com or whatever.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Tank Abbott

So to recap, if Tank wins here, he gets a title shot at Arquette later tonight, where he will literally murder Arquette and prevent him from being in the PPV match. Tank immediately puts DDP down with punches and we cut to Bischoff laughing in the back and Kanyon trying to get into Russo’s office. And then Jeff Jarrett comes out of the audience and hits Page with a bottle outside the ring and Tank is declared the winner for some reason at 2:20? I don’t understand anything happening on this show. Anyway Page gets stretchered out and taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome is still brawling with STONE COLD TERRY BOLLEA in the back. You know, after Hogan was powerbombed through a table earlier in the show.

Billy Kidman comes out and calls out any washed up old crippled has been, so Big Kev decides to come out and accept the challenge.

Billy Kidman v. Kevin Nash

I don’t know if this is a match or not. Nash quickly (as quickly as Nash does anything) hits him with the frame elbows in the corner and throws him across the ring while Kidman begs for mercy, but then Konnan and Rey Mysterio run in and attack while the announcers scream that they DON’T EVEN WORK HERE. But of course Nash kicks their ass single-handedly and Kidman runs away. Rey Mysterio as a cowardly heel is certainly a choice. And we follow them to the back, as Konnan and Rey run away in terror, perhaps hearing that Nash might get the book again.

Vince Russov. Lex Luger

Douglas and Bagwell attack Flair in the aisle while the security force mobs Luger and maces him. But then Liz hits Russo with his own baseball bat and runs away. And then Kronik comes out and beats up all the security guards, looking for Bagwell and Douglas and their title shot, even though they haven’t actually won any matches yet as far as I’m aware.

Meanwhile, David Arquette is panicking about the Tank situation.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is busy smashing up cars like a human Street Fighter bonus level.

Meanwhile, the police haul Kronik away in the parking lot. Hopefully they don’t do any contraband searches when they get to the jail.

Vampiro joins us, back from the graveyard, while the announcers point out that we’re getting Mike Awesome v. STONE COLD TERRY BOLLEA later tonight. You know, since we’re like 90 minutes into this show and someone finally realized that they should probably announce a match or something. And then Sting comes out, having apparently risen from the dead because they couldn’t even let it breathe for ONE SHOW. And Sting descends from the ceiling and destroys Vamp with his baseball bat.

Oh and Shawn is still shooting free throws in the gym.

Meanwhile, Russo breaks into Liz’s dressing room and she fights him off. You know, just saying, if she was still with Macho Man, that would never have happened.

WCW World title: David Arquette v. Tank Abbott

Tank starts kicking Arquette’s ass, but DDP has STOLEN THE AMBULANCE and returns to make the save in a twist that we’ve never ever seen before in wrestling. So he comes in, hits Tank with the Diamond Cutter, and puts David on top for the pin at 2:10. Remember how they were supposed to be building up Tank as an opponent for the returning Goldberg? How’s THAT going?

And for the big payoff, Shawn Stasiak is JUST about to set the world record for free throws, but Curt Hennig attacks him and breaks it up. So because he only shot 5199 in a row, it means NOTHING.

STONE COLD TERRY BOLLEA v. Mike Awesome

Hulk points out the “F.U.N.B” on his vest and tells us that we can figure out what “F.U.” stands for. It actually doesn’t stand for anything because then it would be “FYNB”, if we’re being pedantic about it. So they brawl on the floor and Awesome hits a flying clothesline in the ring for two. But it’s back to the floor and the enraged TERRY BOLLEA, who is shooting because it’s his real name, brother, chokes out Awesome with his belt. They brawl in the aisle and Scott Hudson clarifies that what we’re watching is not professional wrestling. No shit. Hulk with a back suplex and he crotches Awesome on the railing and Hudson declares “You don’t see Hogan out here hawking lunchboxes!” He’s a real guy just like us! Oh yeah and after this episode they aired a replay of his movie “Attack on Devil’s Island” to remind us how normal and average he is. You can’t even make this stuff up. Back in the ring, Hulk makes a comeback and hits a corner clothesline, but Billy Kidman runs in with a chair and Hulk kicks his ass for the fortieth time while Bischoff argues with the ref. Kidman then manages to hit Hulk with the chair. “How much can one human being take?” wonders Tony. I dunno, how much longer is left in this episode? I’ll let you know. Thankfully Awesome gets the pin at 7:30 after the chairshot but Hulk revives and kicks everyone’s ass AGAIN. And then some guy runs in with a Sting mask and I guess it’s just some fan, and Hulk suffers a bloodbath to end the show.

Boy this one really made me want to go back in time and order Slamboree all over again, huh? If you put a gun to my head after watching this disaster of a show, I could not have named a single match on the Slamboree PPV outside of the cage match, and this was the GO HOME SHOW for it! They didn’t even make an attempt to lay out the card for the PPV, and in fact they barely even advertised any matches FOR THIS VERY SHOW!

I know I say this enough for 2000 WCW that it’s probably losing all meaning, but this was without a doubt one of the worst episodes of professional wrestling television that I have ever seen in my entire life and I don’t know how everyone involved wasn’t immediately fired and replaced by ChatGPT. In fact, I literally asked ChatGPT to try to write an episode of the show in the style of Vince Russo, and here’s what it came up with:

Title: Chaos Reigns – WCW Monday Nitro (2000)

[Opening Segment]

The show begins with the pyro going off as “WCW Nitro” flashes across the screen. The camera cuts to the announcers, Tony Schiavone and Scott Hudson, at ringside.

Tony Schiavone: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to WCW Monday Nitro! We are live from [City Name], and tonight promises to be another explosive night in World Championship Wrestling!

Scott Hudson: That’s right, Tony! We have a stacked card tonight, including a huge main event between Goldberg and Scott Steiner!

Before Scott can finish, “I’m Back” by Jim Johnston plays and Eric Bischoff walks out to a mixed reaction from the crowd. He struts down to the ring with a microphone in hand.

Eric Bischoff: Ladies and gentlemen, I am back in WCW to restore order and make things interesting again! Tonight, we’re going to shake things up. We’re going to have unpredictability!

The crowd murmurs as Bischoff continues.

Eric Bischoff: So without further ado, let’s kick off the chaos right away! Our first match of the evening is a Tables Match!

[Match 1: Tables Match]

Participants: Booker T vs. Big Vito

Finish: After a hard-fought battle, Booker T hits a scissors kick on Big Vito, weakening him. Booker then sets up a table in the ring and delivers a Book End, sending Big Vito crashing through the table for the win.

[Backstage Segment]

Cameras cut backstage where Vince Russo is seen talking on the phone, looking frustrated. Suddenly, Goldberg barges into his office, demanding answers.

Goldberg: Russo, what’s going on around here? I want a match with Steiner tonight!

Vince Russo: Hey, calm down, Bill! I’ve got something big planned for you, trust me. Just wait and see.

Goldberg stares Russo down before storming off.

[Match 2: Cruiserweight Championship Match]

Participants: Kidman (c) vs. Juventud Guerrera

Finish: After a high-flying match showcasing their agility, Kidman hits the Shooting Star Press on Juventud Guerrera to retain the Cruiserweight Championship.

[Backstage Segment]

The New Blood faction is shown plotting backstage. Shane Douglas is rallying his troops, hyping them up for their matches tonight.

Shane Douglas: Tonight, we show everyone why we are the future of this business! Let’s tear it up out there!

The New Blood members nod in agreement as they prepare for their matches.

[Match 3: Hardcore Match]

Participants: Hardcore Holly vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Finish: The match spills out into the crowd and the backstage area, using various weapons. In a chaotic brawl, Hardcore Holly manages to hit the Alabama Slam on Bam Bam Bigelow onto a pile of steel chairs for the pinfall victory.

[In-Ring Segment]

Vince Russo comes out to the ring, holding a clipboard with a smirk on his face. He’s joined by David Arquette, who is wearing the WCW World Heavyweight Championship around his waist.

Vince Russo: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only WCW World Heavyweight Champion, David Arquette!

The crowd boos loudly as Russo hands the microphone to Arquette.

David Arquette: I know I’m not your typical champion, but I’m here to prove myself! Tonight, I’m issuing an open challenge to anyone in the back who thinks they can take this title from me!

Before anyone can respond, Jeff Jarrett’s music hits and he storms down to the ring.

Jeff Jarrett: Hold on a minute, Arquette! You don’t deserve to hold that title! I want my shot right here, right now!

Russo grins and nods as the referee quickly calls for the bell.

[Main Event: WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match]

Participants: David Arquette (c) vs. Jeff Jarrett

Finish: In a chaotic match filled with interference and near falls, David Arquette manages to roll up Jeff Jarrett with a surprise small package for the three-count to retain the WCW World Heavyweight Championship.

[Closing Segment]

The show ends with David Arquette celebrating in the ring, clutching the WCW World Heavyweight Championship with Russo and Bischoff applauding from ringside. The chaos of the night is highlighted with clips of all the matches and backstage segments as the screen fades to black.

Tony Schiavone: What a night it’s been on WCW Monday Nitro! Tune in next week as the chaos continues to unfold!

Scott Hudson: You don’t want to miss it, folks! Goodnight, everyone!

The camera pans out as the commentators sign off and the credits roll.

[End of Script]

Is this better or worse? I dunno. Certainly it would be cheaper than actually using Russo.

Next up: Slamboree 2000.