The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.21.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.21.00

OK I’ve delayed getting back on this horse for as long as I can. Time to face my fears and start reviewing 2000 WCW again. I’ve got it on the brain for some reason lately. Not sure why. Maybe because of that episode of RAW I reviewed last week.

We start with highlights from Superbrawl 2000 to remind me of why I took a couple of weeks off in the first place.

Live from Sacramento, CA, drawing 9408. 5000 paid and 4000 freebies.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Madden

Mean Gene joins us to start with special guest Lex Luger, although Gene was expecting Hulk Hogan. Lex talks about Hulk’s “triumphant so-called return last night”. I think he was mixing up his line a little bit there. Anyway Hulk isn’t done with Luger by a long shot and he won’t get so lucky next time. So this finally brings out Hulk, and he wants a rematch TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING. In the “18 foot high steel cage, brother”. But wait, who made that match? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO IS THE COMMISIONER OF THIS SHOW!

Jeff Jarrett joins us and he’s got a magic contract that says that he gets a rematch with Sid Vicious after last night’s title shot, because I guess we haven’t had enough of JJ v. Sid yet. The nWo being down to the team of Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers is such a sad indictment of what the company had become in short order.

Meanwhile, Kidman’s camera has been stolen.

Meanwhile, Madusa complains that she’s not on the format sheet and smashes up the whiteboard because Oklahoma just makes her so mad.

Billy Kidman v. Lash LeRoux

BREAKING NEWS: The WCW board of directors is currently having the Jarrett document authenticated. What, did they give it to Rick Harrison and he’s gonna call his friend who can be there in a few minutes? Oh and the Harris Brothers run in and beat up both geeks in 0:47 for a double DQ as we’re off to a rousing start.

Meanwhile, Buff Bagwell hits on Symphony and doesn’t know how to deal with a woman telling him no. Madden insinuates that she’s a slut and it’s kind of shocking that she would say no. What a wonderful human being.

Vampiro v. Fit Finlay

Vamp beats on him with chops to start, but misses a leg lariat and Fit beats him down with the cast and tosses him to take over. Brawl on the floor as we have BREAKING NEWS. Rick’s guy has finished his authentication of the Jarrett document and $50 is the best he can do. No, I’m making that up, the announcement is actually that it’s escape the cage rules for the main event tonight. Back in the ring, Fit works on Vamp’s leg with a half crab, but Vamp hits him with a leg lariat. Fit puts him down again with a lariat and then misses a blind charge, and Vamp rolls him up for the pin at 3:19. Fine while it lasted. **. Fit lays him out with a tombstone afterwards and I don’t know if that led to anything.

Meanwhile, the Maestro attacks Buff Bagwell.

Meanwhile, Madusa finds La Parka and hatches a scheme with him.

Meanwhile, Booker isn’t worried about losing everything last night.

Booker v. The Mamalukes

So Disco announces that the match was supposed to be a singles match against Big Vito, but it’s been changed to a match against himself, so instead he challenges Booker to face the Mamalukes in a handicap match for the tag titles instead. Wut? Vito and Johnny double-team him in the corner and Vito gets a clothesline, but Bookr makes a comeback with the usual, but Disco runs in for the DQ at 1:30. And then it’s more Harris Brothers, as they hit the ring and beat up everyone. WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF ANY OF THIS?

Meanwhile, Terry Funk and his new protégé Dustin Rhodes serve notice to the Harris Brothers tonight.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene keeps asking Harlem Heat who the new guy is, and they keep ducking the question and then introduce him as “Cassius”.

WCW Cruiserweight title: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea v. La Parka

La Parka is suspiciously bloated in the boob area and much thinner than usual. So Oklahoma barges into the ring and reveals that of course it’s Madusa under the mask, but then the real La Parka lays him out with the chair and then Iaukea hits La Parka with “his move” as Tony calls it, and then pins him at 1:21 to retain the title I guess. Brought to you by Wendy’s chicken nuggets, in case you were wondering who was lucky enough to get the sponsorship deal for this trainwreck.

The Harris Brothers v. Terry Funk & Dustin Rhodes

The announcers clarify that the Jarrett title rematch is not tonight, but “later on”. I legit don’t even remember but is that SERIOUSLY what they’re gonna run for Uncensored’s main event? Also, Rick Harrison’s guy has verified Kevin Nash’s signature is legit, even though Jarrett is supposed to be commissioner in Nash’s absence I thought. Harrisses double-team Funk and choke him out on the ropes, but Terry fights back. So one of them drops a leg on Funk for two. He fights back again and clotheslines a Harris to the floor, which knocks Dustin off the apron to prevent a tag. And then Jeff Jarrett runs in with the guitar, but Funk backs him down, and then Sid comes out and Jarrett freaks out and nails some guy at ringside with the guitar. So they do a chase to the backstage area but Dustin comes in and turns on Terry and then the camera goes right back to the chase again while they’re doing a major angle in the ring. So that’s a DQ at 5:40. Could they possibly make Funk look like any more of a loser this year? And Dustin continues beating him down and it’s TO THE BACK.

Meanwhile, Buff Bagwell is gonna play rough with the Maestro. Man just a few weeks ago they had a really good feud going with Buff and DDP and they just dropped it cold with no payoff or explanation of Kimberly’s behavior and now Buff is back to doing this stupid shit again.

Meanwhile, they try to load Funk into an ambulance, but Dustin beats up the driver and steals it. Mark Madden laughs off the whole thing, really selling the gravitas. Madden is just the worst.

Sid Vicious joins Mean Gene and announces that he will indeed defend against Jeff Jarrett at Uncensored 2000. Did they really have no one else they could stick in that spot?

Meanwhile, more stuff happens backstage and Ric Flair approves of Dustin turning on Funk.

Buff Bagwell v. The Maestro

Maestro gets some chops in the corner, but Buff hits him with a pump splash and then sexually harasses Symphony again. So Maestro charges and Symphony gets knocked into the stairs, prompting Maestro to throw a hissy fit on Buff in the ring. And then we get a run-in from Ernest Miller, which distracts Maestro long enough for the Buff Blockbuster to finish at 2:00. You know, I’m starting to feel like the phrase “This is the most wretched dumpster fire of a Nitro I’ve ever had the misfortune of choking down like moldy yogurt” is losing all meaning at this point because I’ve yelled it at my computer screen at least 4 times so far. You obviously couldn’t hear me through the internet but believe me, it happened. And then Maestro is SO MAD that he beats up the ref. “It’s only Billy Silverman” notes Madden.

Meanwhile, Hacksaw Duggan literally digs the WCW TV Title out of the trash while working as a janitor on WCW Saturday Night and that apparently counts as a title change. His first defense: Robert Gibson’s reanimated corpse. “So that’s what’s happening on WCW Saturday Night” notes Tony, really selling the show for those not watching for whatever reason I can’t fathom.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. The Wall

Wall attacks in the aisle and they fight into the ring, where Bigelow puts him down with a clothesline and they brawl to the floor. Back in the ring, Wall puts the boots to him and goes up with a legdrop, but that misses and Bigelow comes back with a DDT and goes up with the diving headbutt for two. Bigelow with a backdrop suplex for two. Blind charge hits boot in the corner and Wall tries a piledriver, but Bigelow backdrops out of it and goes up. But then Wall brings him down with the chokeslam and pins him at 4:12. Oh so we’re back to pushing the Wall again I see. We’ll see how many weeks that lasts before they change their minds again. *1/2

Meanwhile, Ric Flair rants at Arn Anderson and David Flair like Trump on Adderall. Also I think David is now totally sane and normal for no adequately explored reason.

Cage match: Lex Luger v. Hulk Hogan

So Flair beats up Jimmy Hart after, I swear to god, throwing him into a bag of popcorn backstage, and Lex beats on Hogan’s arm to immediately take over in the cage. Hulk comes back and tears up his shirt before choking Lex with that and then ramming Lex’s head repeatedly into his cast and clotheslines him with the cast. Lex takes over again with a shot to the cage and a suplex. Lex with the Rack, but Hogan pops up after Lex drops him and he makes the comeback, drawing the only heat on the entire show. So Ric Flair runs into the cage, because why not, and attacks Hulk, but he gets destroyed and legdropped as usual. And then Lex lays out Hulk with the chair and the heels double-team Hulk and I don’t think we’re getting a finish to this cage match. Doug Dellinger tries to come in and break things up, but Lex breaks his arm with the chair and we go off the air with no winner at 9:20. DUD

This show had been getting MODERATELY more tolerable as of late, but this was right back to a bunch of shitty finishes and stupid swerves and people changing motivation with no explanation up and down the show. And Jim Duggan literally winning a title by digging it out of the trash. Also Hogan is absolutely not drawing at this point but they keep putting him in a featured position where he’s the only one of the show getting any kind of a star reaction, which pretty much makes everyone else on the show feel like second-rate goobers. Including the WORLD CHAMPION, who gets to feud with Jeff Jarrett.

This show will not break me. I’m like Good Will Hunting telling the story about having to choose the wrench or the belt when his drunk father got home. I’ll take the wrench because FUCK YOU WCW 2000, that’s why. At least I know it’s definitely not my fault.