The SmarK Rant for WCW Superbrawl 2000 – 02.20.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Superbrawl 2000 – 02.20.00

Live from San Francisco, CA, drawing 8569, with 3300 of those being comps, including one guy on screen in the front with a “FREE TIX” sign.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & The Iron Professor

Meanwhile, Mean Gene stops by for an update from Commissioner Kevin Nash, but Backup Acting Interim Commissioner Jeff Jarrett and his bevy of woman emerge and he announces that he attacked Nash and thus he’s in charge tonight. OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES WHO’S IN CHARGE OF THE DAMN SHOW.

Also the graphics hyping up the matches tonight look like landing pages on GeoCities websites from 1998, complete with low res GIFs of each person. Also this card looks fucking atrocious.

WCW Cruiserweight title tournament finals: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea v. Lash Leroux

They actually booked a tournament and THIS was the finals they came up with. THESE are the two guys they pushed to the end for the title in order to “rehabilitate” the title after the Oklahoma nonsense. Prince and Paisley double-team Lash to start and the Prince slugs away in the corner, but Lash fights him off and gets a shoulderblock for two. Lash throws his goofy-ass punches, but the Artist superkicks him to cut him off. Lash sends him into the corner and Iaukea does a half-assed bump to the floor, and Lash follows with a dive, which Tenay calls “perfect execution”. Usually I presume perfect execution requires making contact but OK. Back in the ring, the Artist hangs Lash in the Tree of Woe and puts the boots to him, then blocks a sunset flip and tries to do what looks like seductively giving Lash a wet willie before tossing Lash to the floor again. They fight on the floor and back in the ring for a suplex from the Artist that gets two. Meanwhile Paisley has been standing on the apron for like 5 minutes for no reason and the ref doesn’t seem to care. Lash comes back with a corner clothesline after they wander around the ring trying to figure out the spot, but then Lash goes up and Paisley (I think) is supposed to have tripped him up but the camera angle is completely unclear, and Iaukea hits a DDT for the pin and the title at 5:46. Replay shows that Paisley did indeed assist, although the crowd reaction is so quiet that it doesn’t appear that anyone caught it. A pretty terrible opener that was like a standard rushed Nitro match. Lash Leroux was definitively Just A Guy at this point in his career. ½*. So we’re off to a hot start.

Meanwhile, Norman Smiley gets his ribs taped up after a brutal attack on Thunder so that he can maybe have some semblance of sympathy in his match against Three Count where he’s 1-on-3 and still a -8000 betting favorite.

WCW Hardcore title: Bam Bam Bigelow v. Brian Knobs

Brian Knobs is one of the multitudes who is sporting a cast on his arm after getting attacked by Lex Luger. Also Fit Finlay shows up and now he’s back to dressing like Knobs again and helping him out after they broke up multiple times on Nitro and Thunder. So they fight into the crowd right away and walk up to the concession area in the concourse, where Bigelow slams him through a table. But then Fit lays him out with his own cast, and Knobs revives and they do a walking brawl back to the ring again after the most pointless concession brawl ever. Like they literally went back there and did ONE MOVE before leaving again. Back in the ring after a lot of nothing and Tony is calling all these hypothetical table spots that they’re not doing, and Knobs gets whipped through a table in the corner. Bigelow with Greetings from Asbury Park and he goes up to finish, but gets distracted by Finlay again and Knobs knocks him off the top and pins him at 4:47 to regain the title. Yeah, that’s what we want in our Hardcore matches: DISTRACTION FINISHES. Complete waste of time. DUD

Meanwhile, Ric Flair pumps up Lex Luger.

Meanwhile, WCW security guards the dressing rooms of the World title competitors. Oh no, two geeks in yellow suits, whatever will potential interlopers do when faced with that kind of manpower?

Three Count v. Norman Smiley

Tony compares Three Count to “three Justin Timberlakes” and that’s a funny line in 2000 because no one knew who he was at the time. Although now he’s funny again because apparently he’s a huge douchebag according to my wife, even though he’s always hilarious when he’s with Andy Samberg. Norman gets a sunset flip on Evan for two, but the other two break it up and start working him over. Norman is wearing a 49ers jersey tonight so clearly he’s at a disadvantage against a pop star. Shane misses a moonsault and Norman gets a Giant Swing to set up the dance. Norman makes the comeback on all three guys and Tony does his fake laugh at all the hijinks before. But then Three Count gets SERIOUS and “abandons the malarkey” before beating on Norman in the corner and giving him multiple flying splashes to set up a Boston Crab from Shannon to end it at 4:11. I still have no idea what the fucking point of this entire feud even was. *. Three Count finally wins 3-on-1 after losing over and over cleanly for two months straight, huzzah.

Meanwhile, there’s a MYSTERY DOOR and Jeff Jarrett is really paranoid about it and sends the Harris people to go deal with it. There could be anything behind it! Even a boat!

SPECIAL MAIN EVENT MATCH: The Demon v. The Wall

Yes, they literally announced this as a “special main event match” to get out of a contractual obligation with Gene Simmons that stipulated the Demon character be used in a main event of a PPV. Real thing that actually happened. The Wall is built up here as a JUGGERNAUT, which is accurate, as long as you discount all the times he lost in the past month. The Demon decides to go confront the Wall at the entrance, which Madden describes as “kind of a bad idea”, and indeed Wall beats him up in the aisle and then hauls him into the ring and chokes him out in the corner. The crowd is off taking a SPECIAL MAIN EVENT SHIT while they main event out here, and Demon makes the comeback with a back elbow and I think one or two people went “Woo” in excitement. Or maybe they were just trying to get the attention of the beer vendor because they’re not drunk enough for this show. I can sympathize. Wall gets an awful backdrop in the corner and Demon takes an embarrassing bump, which allows Wall to take over with a backbreaker while the crowd turns on the match in between leaving for the concession stand. Wall goes up and Demon slams him off as Wall nearly breaks his neck taking the bump off a simple slam, but Demon goes up and Wall chokeslams him to finish at 3:10 and win the SPECIAL MAIN EVENT MATCH in a very special, very main event way. I continue to be endlessly amused at how little WCW cared about actually filling their deal with KISS in any kind of good faith whatsoever. -**

Meanwhile, Ernest Miller continues to exist and promises that James Brown is gonna be here tonight.

Meanwhile, the Harris brothers are unable to get into the door and move on like Stormtroopers on Tattooine.

SKINS MATCH: Tank Abbott v. Big Al

They do a lengthy video package to hype up the match and it still doesn’t explain why they’re fighting or who the babyface is supposed to be. So there’s a leather jacket on a pole and I guess whoever gets the jacket first wins, which is of course how many UFC fights were waged. So Big Al wants to lash up their fists with a belt, and they stand there yelling BRING IT in between fake punches that are somehow also super stiff, which is the WORST combination. Big Al knocks him out with one shot and Tank has to lay there playing dead for 10 minutes while Al pulls him into the corner and teases a posting. But then Al changes his mind and stands on his face instead. So then Tank suddenly wakes up and I guess makes the babyface comeback and beats on Al, as Al has no idea how to sell or take bumps. So Tank carries him on his back and tries to climb up the pole, and then DROPS Al in a terrifying fall to the floor before pulling down the jacket to win at 4:44. Unsurprisingly the trainers come out to check on Al and make sure he’s not fucking dead after getting dropped like a sack of potatoes from 10 feet in the air, but Tank pulls out a knife and holds it to Al’s throat while threatening to murder him as the camera desperately cuts away and throws it to the back. This was somehow a million times worse than I remembered. -**. Also Meltzer was exceedingly generous in his rating for this one, actually giving it ONE QUARTER STAR, which is mind boggling given how history has since regarded this trainwreck.

LETTER T ON A POLE MATCH: Booker v. Big T

Big T beats on Booker to start and gets a slam, but Booker hits him with something like an Angle Slam and follows with a suplex. They head to the floor and Booker comes back in with a flying forearm and the crowd does not care about this match at all, and Stevie trips up Booker and allows Big T to clothesline him to the floor. Stevie beats on his brother, but Booker comes back with a legsweep in the ring and follows with the axe kick and goes up with the Harlem Hangover, but the lights go out and there’s some guy dressed like a Black Panther on the apron, and that allows Big T to finish with the powerbomb at 5:00 to win the T. I don’t even know who the other guy was and neither did anyone else in the building. This was probably the worst match of Booker’s career to date. -**

Meanwhile, the Maestro threatens James Brown, should he show up tonight.

Billy Kidman v. Vampiro

Kidman grabs a headlock and Vamp takes him down with a tilt a whirl slam and follows with a clothesline for two. They try a headscissors spot and botch that badly, as Kidman ends up bumping to the floor off that. Vamp grabs a chair and threatens Torrie with it (“FUCK HER UP!” notes a fan at ringside) but Kidman dropkicks it back at Vampiro and gets two in the ring. Powerbomb gets two and the crowd is completely dead. Vamp with a fameasser for two. Vamp goes up and gets a flying kick of sorts and that gets two. Madden thinks that in one year the match will be for the US title and in two years the match will be for the World title. Joke’s on him, in a year the company will be dead and buried. Kidman with a top rope rana for two, but Vamp gets a powerbomb for two, once again disputing the notion that YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KIDMAN. Clearly you can. Back to the top and Kidman brings him down with some kind of sling blade thing of some kind that looked terrible, and that gets the pin at 7:25. MATCH OF THE NIGHT! SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE BECAUSE THE SHOW HAS BEEN STOLEN! **

Meanwhile, Terry Funk has Dustin Rhodes as backup now, and Sid Vicious sends away his security guard and wants Mean Gene RIGHT NOW. That’s right, they literally had one job to do, unless Sid wants someone to go get Mean Gene.

Sicilian Stretcher Match: The Mamalukes v. David Flair & Crowbar

They quickly brawl on the floor and Crowbar gets a pump splash on Vito and then splashes Johnny onto a stretcher. They can’t roll Johnny down the aisle successfully, and the Mamalukes use the stretcher as a weapon and then double-team David in the ring. So Daffney comes in and gives Johnny a rana, which knocks her own wig off, and then maces Disco while Vito tries to roll David out on the stretcher. David fights back and that looks terrible, while Crowbar hits Vito with a Lionsault in the ring and, in a continuing trend for the evening, THE CROWD DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT. Also Disco returns to commentary after getting maced and then goes back to selling it again. Vito slams Crowbar through a table and they double-team David before Johnny pops up to the top with a legdrop in a nice athletic move. No one cares. This Flair & Crowbar thing is so beyond the sell-by date that if they were sour cream, they’d be green and moldy by now. So they tape David to the stretcher with special unbreakable athletic tape forged from Adamantium, and the refs wheel him to the back to eliminate him. So Crowbar fights alone against the tag team champions while Daffney rings the bell for whatever reason and the crowd is DEATHLY silent through all of this. Johnny uses a lead pipe on Crowbar and puts him on a table, allowing Vito to splash him and put him through it, and then they put Crowbar on the stretcher and use the specially reinforced athletic tape to bind him helplessly. And then Daffney gets put in a wheelchair and also restrained with the tape and they wheel her out as well to win at 11:00. No one cares, and we go to the back. DUD

Meanwhile, Mean Gene is dispatched to Sid’s dressing room as promised, and Sid reminds us that he’s the World champion. Yeah thanks man. Also he’s not concerned about the man behind the mystery door.

Ernest Miller joins us with a fake James Brown and, ironically, fake overdubbed James Brown music courtesy WWE Network edits, but the Maestro interrupts and we get a PROMO BATTLE between Maestro and the Cat. Apparently Miller has to listen to classical music now because he couldn’t deliver James Brown, which like WUT, but then the real James Brown comes out and the announcers are like “Well that’s clearly his song!” and ironically it’s edited out by the WWE Network and in fact is not actually his song playing. So the Maestro faints and James Brown dances with the Cat and this was a thing that happened.

San Francisco Death Match: Ric Flair v. Terry Funk

This is basically an amalgam of Texas Death and Last Man Standing rules, where you get a pin and then the guy has to beat the 10 count. Funk and Flair exchange shots and Terry goes for the spinning toehold, but Ric escapes that and goes to the chops in the corner. They fight to the floor while Madden compares Flair to Rommel, which is certainly a choice. Funk suplexes Flair on the floor and gets a pin at 5:00, and then Flair beats the count. Flair rears back and kicks Funk in the balls, which gets no reaction, and they head back into the ring for a figure-four from Flair that gets a submission at 7:56. And then Funk beats the count to continue on. Flair goes up and gets slammed off, and Funk sends him to the floor via a Flair Flip. Time for a piledriver on the floor, which gets two. Why bother kicking out at two? You know what, never mind, doesn’t matter. Funk follows with another piledriver for the pin at 10:08 and Flair beats that count. Next up, Funk sets up a table in the ring and then grabs a mic and tries to get Flair to quit now, so that we can piss on the legacy of another great match that people remember, and this sets up a piledriver through the table, but Funk pulls up Flair at two. Again, what is even the point of the pinfall attempts if you’re just winning via 10 count anyway? Funk gets another table and then tries for another pin on Flair, but Ric kicks out this time. Calling this one “glacially paced” is kind of insulting to ice floes, to be honest. Funk goes up and manages to fall backwards through the second table, and Flair pins him at 15:13, and both guys are down, so the ref counts both of them down and Flair beats the count at 15:43 to win. Why did Flair need to beat the count? He’s the one who got the pin! NEVER MIND. IT DOESN’T MATTER. ** This run has been such a disaster for Funk on every level, just killing whatever aura he had left and making him look like a sad old man.

Hulk Hogan v. Lex Luger

As usual Hogan is the only thing that gets any reaction from the morgue that is WCW 2000’s crowds, which is not a situation that helps anyone by this point. Lex beats on him right away and beats him down, but Hulk makes a comeback and rakes the eyes with his cast before following with an Axe Bomber and dropping some elbows. Hulk tosses him and chokes him out with the shirt on the floor. But then Lex runs him into the railing a few times to take over. Back in the ring, Hulk fights back and rams Luger’s head into the cast to 10 times, which would legitimately concuss the guy in real life but is just a wacky spot for the fans to count along with here. Back to the floor and Jimmy Hart shows up and steals the baseball bat from Liz, but Lex puts the boots to Hulk in the ring as this is a complete drag. Luger was so bad in 2000 and clearly didn’t give a shit anymore. Hulk makes the comeback with his usual stuff, but Lex goes low to cut that off and stomps him down again as this drags on and on. But then Hulk just hits him with the cast and legdrops him for the pin at 8:12. Only thing on the show with any kind of heat but the match was terrible. *. Afterwards, Hulk beats on the fallen Luger with a weight belt, but Ric Flair hits the ring and they double-team Hulk until Sting returns and makes the save. Well that was a pretty anticlimactic return after weeks of buildup. Also Sting and Hogan were feuding the last time they were on screen together, but that was under the other booker so I guess it doesn’t count.

Meanwhile, the MYSTERY DOOR IS OPEN. But the announcers clarify that it’s not Sting, because that would have been the logical inference given Sting’s mysterious return in the last match and they actually have to go out of their way to make sure people don’t think something that makes logical sense might have occurred.

WCW World title: Sid Vicious v. Scott Hall v. Jeff Jarrett

We’ve got like 8 minutes left in the show so there’s probably not gonna be much to this one. Hall decides to attack both JJ and Sid, but Sid comes back and takes out all the heels to clear the ring. Back in the ring, the ref gets bumped because we haven’t had one of those tonight yet and we’re due. Sid chokeslams both guys and we get another referee, who counts two, but then Jeff knocks out Sid with the belt and that gets two. Hall rolls up Jarrett for two, so Jeff takes out ref #2 and we get a third referee as Hall runs Jarrett into a chair and gets two. Jarrett escapes the Outsider Edge and another referee bites the dust. Ref #4 is done, and that leaves Evil Referee Slick Johnson. Hall with the Edge on Jarrett, but Slick won’t count the pin due to shoulder injury as they cram every stupid plot twist into this five minute match, and then Sid makes the comeback after doing whatever he was doing for the past few minutes on the floor. Jarrett gets the guitar and takes out Hall with that, but then Roddy Piper emerges in a ref outfit and gigantic arm brace to take out Johnson. And then Sid chokeslams Jarrett and powerbombs Hall to thankfully end this show at 7:45. And we go flying off the air with time running out, thank god, at least it’s over. *. I have no idea what the point of having Roddy Piper out there was, other than I guess he was still under contract and would get a pop.

This show was ALL TIME terrible and I wouldn’t believe that Uncensored could possibly be worse, but it’s 2000 WCW and anything is possible.

You can’t break me, WCW, I’m gonna at least make it to the reboot because FUCK YOU, that’s why. You can do your worst. And this certainly qualified.