The SmarK Rant for WCW Bash at the Beach 2000 – 07.09.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Bash at the Beach 2000 – 07.09.00

I’ve actually reviewed this show a couple of times, once live and then again on WWE 24/7, but it’s historic enough to warrant one more look, I guess. Plus I don’t remember a single thing about the show aside from the couple of big things everyone remembers.

Also Russo’s been gone for the month of Nitro leading up to this, but now he’s back. In pog form.

Live from Daytona Beach, FL, drawing 6753 and a 0.22 buyrate.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Scott Hudson

Meanwhile, The Cat tells MI Smooth to ban the Filthy Animals from ringside tonight, but the Jung Dragons attack him and he has to fight them off.

WCW Cruiserweight title: Chavo Guerrero v. Juventud Guerrera

Juvy has apparently stolen the belt from Chavo on Thunder, because as usual for Russo they just do angles at the last minute and expect everyone to know about it and hang on every twist. Like there was nothing about this on the go home Nitro and they didn’t even announce a Cruiserweight title match for this show. Chavo slugs away to start and hits Juvy with an atomic drop before clotheslining him to the floor. Juvy goes to the ramp to protest and stall, but he tries to suplex Chavo into the ring and Chavo reverses with his own to the floor and follows with a dive. Back in, Juvy sends him into the corner to take over and slugs him down, but Chavo gets a clothesline for two and goes to an armbar. Powerslam gets two. Juvy misses a blind charge and they clothesline each other for the double down. Juvy bails and Chavo hits him with a dive, but now the Filthy Animals sneak out while wearing masks and it allows Juvy to get a rollup for two. He tosses Chavo and follows with a slingshot legdrop to the floor, which thankfully didn’t go badly for him like it did for Johnny the Bull, and Juvy takes over again in the ring. Springboard splash gets two. Chavo goes up and Juvy brings him down with a powerbomb for two. Dominator sets up the Juicy Elbow, but now the MIA come down to ringside with stupid masks while Major Gunns distracts Juvy and Chavo gets a Final Cut for two. Juvy Driver gets two. Chavo with the tornado DDT to finish at 12:11 and retain the title. So while Russo was gone, they spent weeks doing a storyline where they promised zero interference and had nothing but clean finishes. And here on the first show back for Russo, they immediately have 6 people running into the match and it doesn’t even factor into the finish. SO WHY DO IT? Having people doing endless run-ins for the sake for doing run-ins is exactly what kills it off as a way to get heat. Regardless, Chavo worked his ass off here, Juvy not so much, and this was a good opener disregarding all the nonsense with the factions. ***1/2.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and his singing fat lady demand to know the whereabouts of Hulk Hogan from the Cat.

WCW Hardcore title: Big Vito v. Norman Smiley & Ralphus

This was supposed to be Johnny the Bull challenging based on the last month of Nitro, but he spectacularly injured himself and he’s out for months. And then Funk was the logical guy to take his place, but they ran an angle on Thunder to take out Funk for some reason, and this is the end result. Norman hasn’t even been on TV in weeks and the whole storyline with him getting fired has been forgotten. Tony clarifies that Hardcore matches have RULES, and you have to start in the backstage area and then fight to the ring. Yeah, without rules in the hardcore division, you have anarchy. So they head backstage and fight there, with Ralphus adding trash can shots, but Vito fights back and we get a lot of clanging objects and Smiley gets trapped in the freight elevator. So Vito chases Ralphus to the ring and brings a table with him for a splash to finish the match at 5:55. The table was already broken and this was a complete waste of time. -*

Meanwhile, Goldberg arrives with Scott Hall’s contract magically reconstituted after getting eaten a couple of weeks ago.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash admits that he hasn’t been himself lately, complete with odd bleeping of “ass” for some reason.

Wedding Gown Match: Daffney v. Miss Hancock

Hancock stomps Daffney down and hits a handspring elbow in the corner, but Daffney chokes her down on the ropes. So David Flair comes in to try to break them up, allowing Hancock to rip off the referee’s pants, and then David’s pants as well. But then David gets a pair of clippers, so Crowbar runs in as well to save and he takes off his own pants and then Hancock dances, but removes her own skirt and so she loses at 4:11. And then everyone throws cake at each other and leaves, just in case you were confused about whether Vince Russo was back or not. This was barely even recognizable as a wrestling match, it was just a bunch of stuff happening with no rhyme or reason to it. -***

Meanwhile, the Cat continues doing his Pink Panther gag with the Jung Dragons.

WCW World tag team title: Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. Kronik

Kronik clears the ring and the champs threaten to leave, but sadly decide to continue wrestling. Back in the ring, Stasiak slugs away on Clark in the corner, but Kronik double-teams Stasiak to take over. Adams comes in and hits the full nelson slam on Chuck for two, but Adams gets taken to the floor and double-teamed out there. Back in the ring, Chuck gets a shoulderblock for two and goes to a sleeper, cutting off the valuable flow of oxygen to Adams’ hair. Stasiak adds a back elbow for two. Stasiak with another sleeper on Adams and god bless the Florida crowd for actually giving a shit about this boring-ass tag match filled with two slugs and two green guys. Clark gets a hot tag and tries the Meltdown on Palumbo, but he reverses to a DDT and it’s a double down. Stasiak comes in with dropkicks to put Clark on the floor as this thing is STILL GOING and Hudson claims “they’re brawling all over the arena” while they’re standing barely a foot from the apron outside. Back in the ring, Clark takes the double pancake that was apparently the finisher, but Adams makes the save with impeccable timing, like rinsing the conditioner at just the right moment, and Kronik hits Stasiak with a double boot and the double chokeslam for two. Chuck makes the save on that and this is STILL GOING, so Kronik gives him the double chokeslam as well. Stasiak saves with the flexor, so Kronik hits him with a Doomsday Device and pins him to win the titles at 13:32. The match was complete garbage but the crowd was going completely crazy for it, which speaks to how over Kronik was. DUD

Meanwhile, it’s another ninja attack on the Cat, but JJ has no time for shenanigans and wants Cat to produce Hulk Hogan OR ELSE. And then the Dragons attack for good measure. Look, I love A Shot In The Dark as much as any (mumble) year old man, but I think we get the point now.

Kanyon v. Booker T

Booker chases him to the floor with a spinkick, knocking the wig right off Kanyon’s head in the process and revealing that he’s NOT A NATURAL BLOND. Back in the ring, Booker gets a dropkick and tosses him over the top before revealing that Kanyon has a brick in his book. I can confirm that it was probably a printing error, it happened to me a couple of times with a bad batch of my books. They fight on the floor and Kanyon runs him into the railing before putting the STEEL steps on Booker’s head and hitting them with a chair. Back in the ring, Kanyon goes to work on the back with a baseball slide to the back, and suplexes him into the ring for two. Kanyon works him over with some wacky stuff and the reverse Boston crab. I’ve actually paid a chiropractor to do that to me in the past. Booker gets all fired up and grabs a chair, but Kanyon counters with the BOOK OF DOOM for two. But the brick is gone, so Booker makes the comeback with the spinarooni and axe kick to set up the Bookend for two. But then Booker goes up and Jeff Jarrett runs in and hits him with the guitar, and Kanyon finishes with the Kanyon Kutter at 10:00. Kanyon didn’t have bad matches, but he was a gay man in Florida so I don’t see his book selling very well there. ***

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome hits on the singing fat lady, kicking off a really bad character arc for him.

US Title: Scott Steiner v. Mike Awesome

They fight on the floor right away and Awesome sends him into the crowd and follows with the dive over the railing and they do a walking brawl around the floor before heading back to ringside. Back in the ring, Scott drops an elbow for two while the announcers are already back to talking about how interference is banned even though we’ve had three matches tonight already with tons of interference. Scott slugs away in the corner and gets a backbreaker, but Awesome suplexes him onto the top rope and they head to the floor again. Mike beats on him with a chair and the ringbell and back in for a slingshot splash that gets two. But now the Cat comes out to watch as Steiner makes the comeback to set up the Recliner. Cat warns him against using it, so Awesome goes low and cradles Steiner for two while Scott is distracted. Awesome with a flying splash for two. Ref is bumped and the Cat runs in, but he hits Awesome with the kick by mistake and Scott gets two. Belly to belly sets up the Recliner again, but Cat again stops him and warns him that he’ll lose the US title if he does it. So Scott does the move anyway, and Cat orders the ref to stop the match and strips Steiner of the title at 9:00. So after promises about no interference and clean finishes, we’re back to inference and screwjobs again. And I wouldn’t even be that annoyed about it, but they spend SO MUCH TIME patting themselves on the back for it and then just do it anyway. Match was a fun brawl but the finish was stupid. ***

Graveyard Match: Vampiro v. The Demon

Much like the Sting match, this is shot in a dark graveyard by someone who seemingly doesn’t understand how camera apertures work and thinks that proper lighting is for the weak. Like literally unwatchable, and I have no idea what’s happening. Demon ends up in an open grave and I think Vampiro kidnaps Asya and then leaves her in the river as bait. So Vampiro attacks in the water and Tony is worried about potential alligator attacks. Because it’s Florida. Asya gets kidnapped again, and Vampiro baits Demon again by hiding in a coffin this time and then clarifies that he wants Demon to join him and that’s why they’ve been fighting all this time. That would have been good information to have when this horrible storyline started a month ago. So then Vamp puts the Demon in a coffin and I guess throws the coffin in an open grave and wins at 6:00 or so. The winner was actually supposed to be the person who made it back to the arena first. But at least it’s over, so that’s something. -****

Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews the singing fat lady from earlier. No, wait, sorry, it’s just Shane Douglas. Shane guarantees a victory over Buff Bagwell tonight. He’s probably gonna fall on top of him and Buff won’t be able to kick out.

Buff Bagwell v. Shane Douglas

They fight to the floor right away and Buff runs him into the railing, but Douglas goes low and pulls up the mats. Luckily Buff backdrops out of a piledriver and makes the comeback with a neckbreaker in the ring, prompting Shane to bail to the floor again. Shane gets a cheapshot and takes over with a necksnap in the ring before going to a neck vice while the announcers are like “OH MY GOD BUFF HAD A NECK INJURY IN 1998 HE MIGHT DIE!” Oh and Torrie Wilson comes out to interfere now for some reason and I can’t even remember which side of the aisle she was on the last time we saw her, but she slaps Shane and Buff gets a rollup for two so it’s probably a Russo Swerve. And then she comes into the ring and makes out with Buff, but turns on him with a low blow and Shane gets the fisherman’s suplex for two. Buff with a jawbreaker for two and he goes up to finish, but Torrie trips him up and Shane debuts THE FRENCH-FRIES-ER to finish at 8:00. OH MAN THEY SO SWERVED US. *1/2

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan finally arrives.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Hulk Hogan

They actually have a video package for this, despite Hogan not even being on the show for the past month. So Vince Russo returns to grace our TV screens, thank god, and he stands at ringside while Jarrett waits at the entrance doing a grumpy jobbing face like Mercedes Mone. So he gets in the ring, and immediately lays down for Hulk at the behest of Russo, who throws the belt at Hogan as Hulk pins Jeff to win his last WCW title. Hulk also does a promo, saying “This is why the company is in the shape it is, because of bullshit like this”. The announcers, who weren’t clued into anything, try to play it as a “shoot”, talking about how “no one agreed to that”. More on this later of course.

Meanwhile, Vampiro is back in the arena after the grueling graveyard match, but the lights go out and a bunch of black hooded monks come out, with one of the monks apparently being Sting because the announcers assure us that this is the case. It wasn’t, it was Chris Harris again, by the way. But he hits Vampiro with the bat, so yay.

Vince Russo joins us, and here’s where things got bad for WCW from a legal standpoint. So he’s all TORN UP because he had to be the bad promoter, I guess, and talks about leaving WCW three weeks ago. “it’s real life here, fans” notes Tony, because everything you’re watching on this show is fake, except for what you’re watching right now, which is real. From DAY ONE, Vince had done nothing but deal with bullshit and politics backstage, even though he came back for the guys who bust their asses for the fans week in and week out. Like MIA. Really? Van Hammer busts his ass? I must have missed that during a commercial break. Also pretty rich talking about how he stood up for Booker T when he was the guy who made him into “GI Bro” before a racial discrimination lawsuit forced them to change it back. Anyway, he also claims that Hulk played the creative control card, which he know is a lie because Hulk Hogan said he never played that card, brother. And Russo promises that we’ll never see Hulk Hogan again, which is the first time he’s ever told the truth in his life. And then to prove my point, he tells the crowd that they paid good money to be here tonight, which of course is a lie because WCW was giving out tickets by the hundreds to fill the camera side. Which is also why the crowd didn’t actually like Russo attacking Hulk Hogan, since he was the only guy they really wanted to see that night. And tonight, it’ll be Booker T challenging Jeff Jarrett for the WCW title in the main event. And Tony informs us that IT’S A SHOOT, and it’s NOT ON THE FORMAT SHEET. Unlike the next match, which is a work that is on the format sheet. Anyway, this was all litigated to death, with the idea being that Hulk was in on the plan to pretend like he wasn’t in on the plan to get the title back, but then Russo went off the plan and Hulk wasn’t in on that plan to go off the plan, and the plan to eventually have Hulk come back and unify the titles wasn’t part of the actual plan that Russo had and appeared to be a work that turned into a shoot that turned into a work that turned into a shoot that turned into a work and then finally turned into a lawsuit. Bischoff was also involved somehow but he’s not on the show anymore. Hopefully that’s all straight now.

Honestly if Hulk had come back and done the storyline that apparently was pitched to him, this might have been viewed as being OK in retrospect, but as things ended up it’s just another incredibly stupid Russo attempt at recapturing his own past glory. And it accomplished nothing but costing the company a lot of money in legal fees.

The Battle for Scott Hall: Kevin Nash v. Goldberg

They dramatically fight for the lockup to start and Goldberg slugs on him in the corner and Tony promises KATIE BAR THE DOOR ACTION. Which of course means it’s time for Nash to do the lazy foot choke in the corner while flipping his hair. THE DOOR HAS BEEN BARRED. Thoroughly. Goldberg takes him down with a suplex and follows with a superkick, but now Scott Steiner comes out and he’s got Hall’s contract to motivate Nash to make the comeback. If you don’t all see where this is going, you’re reading the wrong review. So Nash comes back with moves #2 and 3, the big boot and Emerald City Slam, and he’s so exhausted from that that do a double down. But Nash comes back with move #4, pulling down his strap, but Scott Steiner comes in and turns on him, and Goldberg spears Nash and finishes with a half-assed jackhammer at 5:00. And thus the career of Scott Hall comes to an end, even though he literally hasn’t even appeared on TV in five months. So like, was Nash getting jealous of all the people turning on DDP and decided to see if he could break the record? DUD. I’d ask why they spent the month building up the deal with the Cat opposing Scott Steiner’s Recliner and building him up as a top babyface, only to turn him heel here for no reason, but…you know why, bro.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Booker T

Luckily Jarrett has procured another belt, which looks much better than the toy belt he’s been using for the past month. Jarrett slugs away on Booker after some stalling, but Book sends him to the floor and runs him into the railing for a brawl into the crowd. “They going out into the cheap seats” notes Scott Hudson. To be fair, when you’re giving away all the tickets, they’re all cheap seats. So they fight to the back of the arena and back to ringside, where Jarrett gets a piledriver on the announce table and then into the ring for a sleeper. At least the announcers are actually calling the match instead of talking about stupid bullshit and putting over Vince Russo, so that’s a positive. Booker fights out of the sleeper, but Jarrett goes back to it again, so Booker reverses to his own and Jeff takes him down with a kneebreaker. Booker reverses the figure-four for two, but Jarrett gets it on a second try. Booker turns it over and comes back with the axe kick and spinebuster for two. Jarrett slugs away in the corner, but the ref is bumped, so Jarrett grabs the belt and Booker steals it and hits Jarrett with that for two. That would have been a pretty shitty way to kick off Booker’s reign. So Jarrett gets a chair next and wedges it in the corner, but Booker runs him into it and that gets two. Jarrett takes out the ref again with the Stroke and goes low on Booker before grabbing the guitar, but Booker catches him with the Bookend and another ref comes out and counts the pin at 13:30 to make Booker the champion. They had what I’d call a good TV match, but not like a great PPV main event match or anything. And all the ref bumps and foreign objects weren’t needed, either. ***. To be honest, Booker took a long time to grow into a main event guy, and while it was nice that they put the title on him and gave him a shot in an altruistic move that I’m sure had nothing to do with any pending lawsuits, Scott Steiner or Goldberg should have been the call. Booker wasn’t a guy who was saving the company from the road it was going down by that point.

Anyway, this show is somewhat divisive and even Meltzer called it “better than WCW had been doing” at the time, but I don’t think hindsight was kind to it, and it just comes off as more Russo crap shovelled onto the pile after a month of respite from it. Run ins, interference, storylines that make no sense and go nowhere, SWERVES, and Kevin Nash in the main event make this a thumbs down for me.

Hopefully next month will be better. I mean, it can’t possibly be worse somehow, could it?