The SmarK Rant for TNT – 06.14.85

The SmarK Rant for Tuesday Night Titans – 06.14.85

I think I have the right date, but since I stopped doing these back in 2022 they took the dates off the WWE Network listings for the show, so I’m just assuming it’s a week after the last one I did.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Lord Alfred Hayes

Junkyard Dog joins us to start, and I’m shocked they didn’t edit out the instrumental version of “Another One Bites the Dust” done by the house band. Vince immediately throws to a tag team match on Championship Wrestling.

Tito Santana & Junkyard Dog v. Matt Borne & Steve Lombardi

Interesting combination on the jobber side. Tito sends Borne into Lombardi with an atomic drop as Matt is rapidly falling down the booking ladder at this point, and he quickly pins Lombardi with the flying forearm. Dog wasn’t even in the match! What an odd choice to highlight JYD.

Back at the studio, Vince wonders if maybe Dog has trouble handling the adulation of the fans, but Dog mumbles something in response that would seem to indicate that he’s fine with it. Vince brings up Mother’s Day and Dog’s mom “shaking it” in the ring as a part of that, and then thinks Dog might be in line for a title match with Hulk Hogan sometime soon! Sadly, no.

Jimmy Hart joins us next, demanding that JYD leave the studio because he doesn’t want to share a couch with him. Sounds more like a Hulk Hogan demand. So the reason for Jimmy’s appearance this week is to apologize to Lord Alfred for dumping water on his head, and he offers a present from Japan before Vince throws it to the match.

Greg Valentine v. Mario Mancini

Joined with Valentine working the arm and then switching to the leg while Jimmy gets into an argument with a stunt granny at ringside. And the figure-four quickly finishes.

Back at the studio, Alfred unwraps his gift, which appears to be a series of boxes that finally spews powder onto him when he opens the final one. Hayes gets all pissed while Jimmy laughs at him, so JYD emerges from the back with a bucket of water and dumps it on Jimmy to get revenge, and Jimmy throws a tantrum and swears he’ll get Bundy to go after Dog as a result. The powder box was a pretty funny jump scare on Alfred, who didn’t appear to know it was coming. Not sure where they were able to find 3 ounces of white powder backstage at a WWF show in 1985 but that’s why they had production people, I’m assuming.

Desiree Peterson joins us next and people she talks to just can’t believe she’s a lady wrestler! But she is. Because she’s so attractive, you see. Well this thrilling interview is going well, so let’s throw to a match.

Desiree Peterson v. Judy Martin

Joined on Prime Time Wrestling, with Judy tossing her to the floor and slamming her out there, but Desiree makes the comeback in the ring before Judy cuts her off and chokes her out on the ropes. So the ref calls the DQ because Judy keeps shoving him aside. Lame.

Back at the studio, Desiree continues her deer-in-the-headlights interview with Vince, who promises she’ll be doing modelling and TV appearances in the future. She certainly has acting like a mannequin down pat.

Meanwhile, Vince and Alfred interview the winner of the Great Trivia Contest at Madison Square Garden, who took a 19 hour bus trip because she has a phobia of flying. I don’t blame her, I HATE flying. She’s got WAY more charisma than Desiree Peterson in her interview.

George Steele joins us with new manager Captain Lou Albano, having turned babyface after the first Saturday Night’s Main Event. Lou claims to have lost 30 pounds, and has discovered the famous psychiatrist Dr. Sigmund Ziff, who diagnosed George with “a calcium deposit in his medulla oblongata”, which was causing him to be schizophrenic and homicidal among other things. Surprisingly not as stupid as stuff I read on Twitter every day.

So we head back to that first SNME show, with a six-man featuring the US Express and Ricky Steamboat in a six man against Sheik & Volkoff & Steele, where the foreigners quickly abandon George and leave him to get pinned by Barry Windham. So Steele chases them off and George’s former manager Lou Albano calms George down and takes over managing him.

Back at the studio, Albano belches introspectively and George points out that the sofa is wet where he’s sitting. Oh shit, where was JD Vance in 1985?

George Steele v. Mike Powers

So this is a squash from Championship Wrestling to put over Steele’s new babyface status. So the jobber avoids Steele for as long as possible, but Animal hammerlocks him for the submission as soon as he gets his hands on him.

Back at the studio, Albano claims that Steele was in fact suffering from a speech impediment which has handicapped him all these years. Vince is skeptical, because originally Albano’s doctor was Dr. Rodney Popoofnik, and now he’s just changing doctors willy-nilly.

So we switch to the offices of Dr. Sigmund Ziff, famous psychiatrist, who is happy for the work because things have been slow lately. He’s the “doctor of last resort”, because they only bring him patients when it’s hopeless. So he’s going to use hypnosis to cure the brain of George Steele with the famous watch technique. So Ziff puts him under and takes George back to his childhood, playing football in school. A football injury left him with the green tongue, and the teachers called him a DUMMY, so he became a famous wrestler to work through his rejection issues. So Ziff wakes him up and promises that he’ll be a pussycat now, but George freaks out and doesn’t appear to be cured at all! Medical “science” has let us down again. So Albano says that the fans will need to help by CHEERING for him and making sure he doesn’t get angry or depressed again.

I’m starting to think this wasn’t entirely on the up and up.

Back at the studio, Ziff joins us for an interview with Vince, who wonders about Ziff having credentials in gynecology AND psychology at the same time. Ziff notes that sometimes you have to start from the top and sometimes you start from the bottom. And Vince can’t follow that, so we’re done for the week.

These shows are incredibly stupid, but hey, they make me happy. The Steele skits were of course legendary in their own way.