The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.13.97

(Holy cow, the battle for the PPV redo is TIGHT, with the winner coming via the narrowest of margins. Tune in tomorrow morning to see who wins!)

WWF Monday Night RAW!

– Taped from somewhere not mentioned.

– Your hosts are Vince Mac-Man and The Honky Tonk Man.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley & Jerry Lawler v. Goldust & Marc Mero

Yes, the King teams with the King of Kings. Big brawl to start and the heels bail, as we start the match proper with Lawler and Mero. Mero backdrops him and Lawler runs to the corner. They trade shots and Lawler loses that battle, then takes a shot from HHH as a result of miscommunication. The heels regroup and it’s another brawl, but Mero keeps telling Goldust to back off. HHH pounds on Mero in the corner and brings in Goldust, but Hunter bails and brings Lawler back in. Honky Tonk Man tries to make OJ Simpson references on commentary and Vince actually asks him not to, which is the first time I’ve heard Vince avoiding the dated references. The heels keep backing off as Mero headlocks Lawler, but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed. Lawler gets a suplex, but Mero brings in Goldust and he gets double-teamed as well. What a boring match. Back over to Mero, but Lawler gives it over to HHH again, who tosses Mero. The heels pound him on the floor as Lawler uses the imaginary foreign object, and we take a break. Back with Hunter pounding away on Mero in the corner, but Mero gets a flying headscissors. Hot tag Goldust and he pounds on HHH, clotheslining him and slugging away again. Goldust punches him into the ropes and chokes him out, and it’s a DQ.

(Jerry Lawler & HHH d. Goldust & Marc Mero, choking — DQ, 11:25, *1/2) Total trainwreck, as they couldn’t get on the same page and get the match in gear.

– Meanwhile, at the Alamodome, Sid quotes Nietzsche and cuts a promo against Shawn Michaels.

– Shawn responds from San Antonio, noting that he delivers better than the US Postal Service. Although in all fairness, they don’t work Sundays. (So weird how Shawn was playing smart-ass heel against Bret Hart in some segments, and then turning around and acting like a complete babyface for the Sid segments.)

The British Bulldog v. Rocky Maivia

Bulldog grabs an armbar to start, but gets taken down by Rocky, who then follows up with a headlock. He gets his goofy armdrags while Bret Hart puts him over as the future of wrestling on commentary, showing how smart he really is, I guess. I mean, seriously, who would have ever guessed back then? Bulldog knocks him down with a shoulderblock, but Rocky pops up and dumps him, so Bulldog takes a walk and gets advice from Clarence Mason. Back in, Rocky goes back to work on the arm as Owen Hart joins us at ringside while Bulldog dumps Rocky. Bret and Owen have words at the commentary table and we take a break. Back with Rocky getting a sunset flip for two, but Bulldog clotheslines him. Bulldog hits the chinlock and there’s some really interesting stuff going on at ringside, as Bret has a very conflicted conversation with Vince about his relationship with Owen. This would all lead up to some really big things in the weeks to come. Bulldog, meanwhile, drops Rocky with a suplex and goes back to the chinlock. They collide and Rocky comes back and slugs Bulldog down, then takes him out with a Cactus clothesline. Brawl on the floor and Rocky meets the railing, but Steve Austin appears out of thin air and clips the Bulldog in an awesome spot. Owen chases him back to the dressing room and Rocky beats the count in.

(Rocky Maivia d. British Bulldog, 9:08, countout, *1/2) Really dull match with a bad finish. The Austin storyline continues, however.

The Undertaker v. Crush

A funny gaffe here, as they cut away to the live shot of Shawn in San Antonio, where Rocky Maivia has magically transported during this “live” show to pop in. Whoops. Undertaker attacks everyone on the way to the ring and gets caught from behind by Crush, but comes back with a DDT. Taker slams him and follows with a legdrop. Ropewalk, but Faarooq trips him up and Taker comes down the hard way, but recovers long enough to dump Crush. Crush necksnaps him from the outside and pounds away in the corner, but UT comes out with a clothesline. Crush catches him with a piledriver and they head outside, where Crush drops him on the railing. We take a break and return with Crush holding the chinlock and getting a backbreaker. He goes up and misses a fistdrop and Taker tries the tombstone, but Crush reverses to a belly to belly. Crush wants the heart punch, but Taker chokeslams him and it’s the nWo…er…NOD run-in to finish.

(Undertaker d. Crush, run-in — DQ, 8:40, *) Hey, we’re 3-for-3 with shitty non-finishes tonight! That must be a record or something.

Next week: Royal Rumble fallout!

Overall: Although Nitro was stupid and irritating and awful, at least it was memorable and had clean finishes in some of the matches. Can’t say that for RAW, which was a chore to sit through and featured absolutely nothing of note. Give the win to Nitro this week.