The SmarK Rant for MSG – 01.31.92

The SmarK Rant for MSG – 01.31.92

This was, I believe, one of the final shows to air on MSG. Looks like Richard Land got it off Classics on Demand back in the day, which I wish I would have done as well.

Taped from New York, drawing 9000, which had to be a disappointment.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan

Kerry Von Erich v. Rick Martel

I would assume this was Kerry’s final MSG match and he’s looking ROUGH here. Martel is looking tremendous by comparison, with a haircut so sharp you could slice onions with it. So we get stalling and posing before they finally make contact outside the ring at 4:00 into the match, with Martel gently sending Tornado into the stairs to take over. Back in the ring, Martel stomps away on him, but Kerry backdrops him out of the corner and takes him down with armdrags to give us more stalling and posing. We get an OLD SCHOOL FLASHBACK pop-up of George Bush vomiting on the Japanese president, back in 1992, when food poisoning made you the biggest clown that the office of President had ever seen. Back in the ring, Kerry works the arm, but walks into a boot in the corner. So then we get a lot of nothing and Kerry makes the comeback and slugs away in the corner, but Martel grabs the Arrogance sprayer and then just pins Tornado with his feet on the ropes at 9:40. This was ATROCIOUS. They barely even touched. DUD. You know me, I’m not one to cast aspersions on the moral fiber of people in wrestling, but I have a strong suspicion that Kerry was in no condition to perform, as the kids say, on this particular evening.

Superfly Jimmy Snuka v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn is fresh off Marty throwing himself through the Barbershop window, although in a weird music dub they’ve replaced whatever he was using at the time with the modern Sexy Boy. I believe it was Rhapsody in Blue, which I’m guessing was some kind of rights problem with Gershwin then. Snuka tosses him and they fight over a wristlock back in the ring and Snuka throws chops as Shawn bumps all over for him. Shawn with a headlock and Snuka counters him into an armbar, but Shawn tosses him to take over and works on the ribs outside. Back in, Shawn with a back elbow for two and a backbreaker as this is DRAGGING badly. So then Snuka makes a comeback and chops him down before taking him to the corner for bizarre double chops to the traps and a crossbody for two. Shawn hits him with a high knee to put him on the floor, and then back in for the superkick for two and teardrop suplex to finish at 12:19. Man Snuka was NOT the right opponent to kick off that heel run. *

THE MOUNTIE v. Sid Justice

Sid’s music here sounds like a proto-version of Crush’s guitar theme. Mountie asserts his authority over Madison Square Garden, until the ref steals the shock stick, at which point Sid chokeslams him. They fight on the floor for a bit and Mountie catches him with a bulldog back in the ring to get some offense. Mountie with a piledriver, but Sid no-sells it like his name is Hawk, boots Mountie, and then powerbombs him to finish at 4:27. Weird that Sid was acting like a complete babyface here a couple of days before turning heel. ½*

The Warlord v. Hercules

BANGER AFTER BANGER AFTER BANGER. They do a lockup battle as I fight the urge to jump off the couch and chant MEAT FOREVER at this incredible display of beef. Warlord works a headlock and overpowers Herc, sending him flying to the floor off a shoulderblock. Back in the ring, Herc demands a test of strength and it’s like two bulls about to lock horns, but Herc distracts the ref and goes low. Isn’t he the babyface? I’m very confused. More so than usual. So then they do the test of strength, but Warlord makes the comeback? What the fuck is this match? Herc tries to clothesline him, but Warlord, who is managed by HARVEY WIPPLEMAN I remind you, no-sells it like he’s the Hulkster and hits a big boot before finishing with the running powerslam at 5:46. I have no idea what was happening here but at least it was short. DUD. Seriously one of the most bizarre matches I’ve ever seen, only eclipsed by Herc doing a “job” to Sid the next month, which was next level.

The Nasty Boys v. Sgt. Slaughter & Hacksaw Duggan

I’m rapidly forgetting why I was excited to watch this show in the first place. Slaughter and Duggan were of course on the short-list of Vince’s favorites at that moment, scheduled to challenge at WM for the tag titles before everything went to hell and the whole tag title scene changed. Stalling to start and the patriots double-team Knobs to start, pinballing him in the corner and sending him running to the floor. Back in, Slaughter misses a charge and does his usual bump, allowing Knobs to attack him on the floor and choke him out with the tag rope. Back in the ring, Knobs misses a charge and Slaughter tries for the tag, but Sags cuts him off with a devastating chinlock and Knobs drops an elbow on Sarge’s back. Sarge finally makes the hot tag to Duggan, but then tags out right away to Sarge, who puts Knobs into a plain sleeper. So they fight to the floor, but Duggan hits Knobs with the board and they beat the count at 10:20. Shitty match with a shittier finish. DUD

Kato v. Chris Walker

Walker is fresh off stinking up Global for a year and then ghosting them, probably saving up all his paydays to buy steroids judging by his physique here. Just shows you can’t trust anyone named Chris Walker. They’re all monsters. Kato works a headlock and shows off his martial skills by waving his arms around. Walker comes back with a dropkick and Kato bails to the floor. Back in, Walker works the arm and Kato tries a leapfrog, but lands crotch-first on Walker’s head in an ugly botch before taking over with a backbreaker for two. I don’t know whose fault that fuck-up was but I’m assuming Walker. Kato drops an elbow on his back and follows with a suplex for two. Kato with a rear chinlock as Walker has managed to kill off the post-intermission crowd. Kato stops to pose for the silent MSG crowd and goes back to the chinlock. Kato misses a charge and Gorilla just buries Walker for having no follow-up, and Kato tosses him to cut off the comeback. But then Walker comes back in with a flying bodypress for the pin at 9:40. I think somebody in the fourth row clapped. How fucking terrible do you need to be to get a god-awful match out of PAUL DIAMOND? -*. Like you’re trying to get a JOB with the WWF and you come out there and stink up the ring with a top tier midcard guy and somehow manage to have a worse match than a guy who literally opened the show while falling down drunk?

Bret Hart v. Undertaker

I’m gonna need Bret to save this fucking show sharpish. This was originally announced on the Superstars show as an IC title match, but of course Bret lost it shortly after and now it’s for NOTHING. Taker attacks after Bret gives some kid the shades and then chokes him out in the corner, but Bret dropkicks him over the top and hits him with a dive as THANK GOD someone is actually trying to earn their pay on this show. Taker runs him into the stairs and back in the ring for a smother claw, but Bret tries a sunset flip and then beats on Taker in the corner to take over. But then Taker whips him into the corner for the Bret Hart Turnbuckle Bump while Paul Bearer does his goofy histrionics at ringside and this is already way more entertaining than anything else on this show. Taker with the ropewalk, which gives us our first External Occipital Protuberance of the evening, and that gets two. Taker with the leaping clothesline for two. Back to the smother claw, but he tries another ropewalk and Bret slams him off. Atomic drop and legsweep gets two. Suplex gets two. Taker sits up, so Bret gives him the backbreaker and goes up for the middle rope elbow. Paul Bearer takes the ref, however, and Taker wipes out Bret and the referee and the urn all in one shot. So Bret SWEEPS THE LEG and puts him in the Sharpshooter, but Bearer throttles the ref to keep him down, allowing Taker to grab the urn and knock Bret out for the pin at 12:25. Finally a good match tonight, as Bret carried him well enough. ***1/4.

Repo Man v. Virgil

Gonna be a lot of work for repo men in the coming months, AM I RIGHT AMERICA? HIGH FIVE! Sorry that’s actually a high eight now with tariffs factored in, my bad. Repo drops Virgil on the top rope to take over right away and sends him to the floor, so Virgil sneaks under the ring to hide and then comes back in with a dropkick for two. Virgil works the arm, but Repo chops him in the corner and Virgil comes back with more armdrags. Repo slows down this mad train of action with a neck vice and a bodyscissors on the mat. Virgil comes back with a suplex and slugs away in the corner, but walks into an elbow like a complete goober and gets pinned at 11:00. ½*

Jake Roberts v. Randy Savage

Finally the reason why I wanted to see this one. Final MSG appearance for Elizabeth here. Jake tosses Macho off the bell and goes after Liz, but Savage saves with a chairshot and they brawl on the floor. So the officials escort Liz to the back and that’s it for her. Back in the ring, Jake hits a kneelift and atomic drop and then takes Macho to the floor and runs him into the post as Gorilla notes that Jake “literally raped Elizabeth of her dignity”. Yeah. Anyway. Jake beats on Macho in the corner and chokes him out. Macho ducks the short arm clothesline and makes the comeback with a back elbow and the double axehandle. Blind charge misses and Jake gets the short arm on the second try, but he stalls too long and can’t get the DDT, as Savage grabs the ropes to block. And then Macho just goes up and drops the elbow while Jake sells a simple flat back bump forever, and that’s all at 6:07. Well that was incredibly disappointing. Match was weirdly heatless too. *1/2

Main event was basically a heatless repeat of Tuesday in Texas and the rest of the show was HOT GARBAGE. No wonder they pulled the plug on the MSG shows shortly after this.