The SmarK Rant for Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling – 03.22.86

The SmarK Rant for Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling – 03.22.86

I was gonna do ECW tonight but then I remembered how much you people enjoy me suffering through it and I thought SCREW YOU ALL, I’m watching Crockett instead. So there.

Taped from Spartanburg, SC

Your hosts are Bob Caudle & Johnny Weaver

BREAKING NEWS: Tully Blanchard has now beaten Dusty Rhodes and won the National title, JUST LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD. But does Bob even apologize for talking all that smack about Tully last week? Nope.

Jim Cornette joins Bob and he’s losing his voice in one of those Halley’s Comet situations you only see every 74 years or so. Jim declares that the Rock N Roll Express are DONE with getting title shots at his Midnight Express and now maybe he’ll move onto the Road Warriors.

Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin v. Rocky King

For some reason instead of overdubbing Sharp Dressed Man, they just cut out the entrance completely and go right to the ring intros. Also Garvin is suddenly sporting a gigantic knee brace after making his debut last week. Jimmy runs him into the corner and beats on him with chops and he’s noticeably limping already. Like he can barely even bend his leg and is basically letting Rocky do all the movements in the match. And he finishes with the brainbuster at 2:19. This was literally Jimmy just kind of standing in the middle of the ring and letting King run around him.

Meanwhile, the Koloffs join us from their private studio with the contract presented by Jim Crockett, but Ivan declares it to be a JOKE. The Kremlin is EMBARASSED by the tiny amount of money being offered in this contract. So now neither Koloff is going to wrestle on TV until Magnum TA meets their terms. And yes, you might see Jim Crockett air old matches with them from months ago, but that’s FAKE NEWS and they won’t actually be there. And then Nikita tears up the contract so we know what he thinks of it. Oh man I hope Okada doesn’t do that with Tony Khan’s contract.

Magnum TA joins Bob and HOT DAMN he’s got the US title belt that we all know and love now. Magnum is disgusted by this COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA and he won’t be doing shit unless they meet his terms. They need Jimmy Carter to mediate this shit.

Meanwhile, at a different point in the taping, Dusty defends his National title against Tully, and Tully constantly attacks the broken foot. Dusty makes a comeback, but he goes for a slam and the ankle collapses, allowing Tully to hit the slingshot suplex and that gets two. But then Bob and Magnum are like “Man you won’t believe the finish of the match! But first let’s take a break.” Jerks.

Back from the break, Dusty makes a comeback with the sleeper, but JJ interferes and Dusty puts him in the sleeper as well. But this allows JJ to pull a gimmick out of his pocket and Tully grabs it and swings at Dusty. But he goes over the top rope and Dusty suplexes him back in, but Tully uses the loaded punch and gets the pin and the title. Granted they completely swiped that finish from the Randy Savage-Tito Santana title change but I always enjoy Dusty getting pinned.

Pez Whatley and his VERY LOUD PROMO VOICE join Bob and he’s got some tricks in 86. Yeah Jimmy Valiant finds out about that shortly.

The Midnight Express v. George South & Rocky Kernodle

Interesting that Eaton & Condrey actually have matching gear for once, which wasn’t really a thing that happened often until the Lane version of the team. South gets a quick run on Eaton with a dropkick and slam for two, but Bobby takes him down wih a suplex and Condrey chokes him out on the ropes. Over to Kernodle and he also gets a bit of shine with a slam on Eaton for two and a small package for two. But then Condrey cuts off South with a back elbow and the MX double-teams him. Bobby chokes him out on the ropes, but Rocky comes in again and gets a dropkick on Condrey. But then Eaton cuts off the ring and I guess we’re doing an actual tag match here. The Express takes turns choking Kernodle out on the ropes and Condrey gets a backbreaker, but Rocky comes back again and brings South in. So Eaton beats him down and drops an elbow to set up the flying knee from the top, and Dennis finishes with the Skull Crushing Finale at 6:25. I prefer them murdering skinny geek jobbers, as this was kind of a weirdly competitive semi-squash and wasn’t that interesting.

Tully Blanchard joins us with his newly won National title, and he’s laughing last, and therefore laughing best. JJ Dillon clarifies that it doesn’t matter if they said 4 weeks, because they might have said 6 weeks, really it doesn’t matter, what matters is that Dusty is done with the National title for good. FORMER CHAMPION is what they’ll always call Dusty from now.

Pistol Pez Whatley v. Mike Simiani

Pez takes Simiani down and works a headlock on the mat before switching to the legs. Every time the announcers talk about “The Three Horsemen” an angel loses it’s wings. Simiani makes a comeback, but Pez puts him down with a headbutt and slugs away in the corner. Simiani runs him into the turnbuckles but science tells us that Whatley’s head is too hard, and in fact he hits a flying headbutt to finish at 3:15.

Jimmy Garvin is looking all over for Wahoo and still can’t find him. And he also wants to deal with that guy Rusty, or his partner the diseased lemming Magnum. To say this was
“a little coked up” would be doing a disservice to it, honestly.

Jimmy Valiant v. Gene Ligon

Jimmy with the elbow/elbowdrop combo to finish at 0:20.

Pistol Pez Whatley joins us and Jimmy Valiant is pretty sure that Pez is gonna be in his corner against Paul Jones FOREVER.

Arn Anderson wants to congratulate his good friend Tully on winning the title. However he keeps saying “Four Horsemen” so apparently he’s really missing Ole.

Don Kernodle v. The Golden Terror

I thought Kernodle was gone by this point, huh. Don works a headlock to start and puts the Terror down with a back elbow before dropping him on the top rope for two. Kernodle with a slam for two and he goes to an abdominal stretch, but the Terror escapes and drops a knee on him for two. Kernodle with a backbreaker for two as this drags on, and he goes up with the flying clothesline to finish at 5:24. According to Cagematch, Don actually stuck around Crockett for the rest of the year doing house shows and then left the business.

Oh man shit’s getting real between Nikita Koloff and Magnum TA now. It’s time for CONTRACT ARBITRATION, AMERICAN STYLE.