The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 09.01.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 09.01.00

I’m gonna be honest, I’m completely over this show and I’ve only been trying to finish it because there’s six episodes left and I wanted to get it done before the end of the Network in January. And it seems like most of the readership feels the same way, so we might as well just call it a day with this episode since it doesn’t get any better from here anyway.

Taped from the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel Gertner. Man, his punchline about going looking for hookers with Mayor Rudy Guiliani isn’t so crazy nowadays, is it? Some might say eerily prescient.

We pick things up with Whipwreck & Tajiri beating EZ Money & Chris Hamrick to advance to the finals of the tag team title tournament.

Steve Corino joins us to start, with his new friend Billy Corgan the pumpkin smasher. Steve admits that he cheated to pin all of ECW’s heroes but he’s not apologizing. This brings out Lou E. Dangerously, who I guess is the permanent replacement for Cyrus now. He tells Joey and Joel to get lost and Joey laughs at him, but then Corino asks him nicely to leave and he does. Next up, Lou calls Corgan the new version of Milli Vanilli and eggs them on for a fight, but of course Justin Credible comes out and canes Corino, before Lou hits Corgan with the phone to take him out. Lou D’Angelli was a major downgrade from Don Callis as lead heel manager. He was a funny midcard goof but he’s in way over his head in this role. Maybe that’s the point and it’s meta commentary, I dunno.

Tag team title tournament quarterfinals: Justin Credible & Rhino v. The Sandman & Chilly Willy

I’m still trying to figure out why Credible, who vacated the tag titles to create this vacancy, would suddenly want to win them back again. Much like Rhino, we have conflicting names here, as the graphics spell it “Chilli Willi” but he has “Chilly Willy” embroidered on his ass. Well, my mother always told me to go with whatever the name written on your underwear is, so it’s Chilly Willy. They immediately brawl and Rhino puts Sandman through a table for two. Rhino with a piledriver for the pin at 1:13 to advance to the semi-finals.

Tag team title tournament semi-finals: Simon & Swinger v. Danny Doring & Roadkill

Wait, hold on. In the opening clip, Whipwreck and Tajiri beat EZ Money & Hamrick and Joey clearly said that means they advance to the finals of the tournament, which would imply that was a semi-final match. But so is this one? And apparently so is Rhino & Credible v. Dreamer & Lynn? Is this a three-way tournament like something out of the GWF? And then Joey confirms later on that this is exactly the case, so fine. Brawl to start and the heels bail to the floor, and Doring follows with a dive. Back in for the Hart Attack on Swinger, but Doring gets pulled to the floor and beat up out there. Swinger with a legsweep and Simon comes in for the double-team for two. Double suplex gets two. Doring fights back with the double Bareback and makes the hot tag to Roadkill, who hits them with a double springboard clothesline. Doring with a top rope legdrop, but Roadkill goes up and Swinger shoves him off the top and through a table at ringside. This brings in CW, who hits Simon by mistake, but they regroup with the Problem Solver on Danny for the pin at 5:07 to advance to the finals. Fun match.

Tag team title tournament semi-finals: Tommy Dreamer & Jerry Lynn v. Justin Credible & Rhino

Joined with everyone brawling and Lynn hitting a tornado DDT on Credible for two. Francine takes the ref, so Jerry spanks her and threatens a piledriver. Credible superkicks him to break that up, but Rhino gores Dreamer and piledrives him through the table. This brings out Spike Dudley, still with the cast, and he hits Rhino with the Acid Drop, but Credible piledrives him. But then Lynn piledrives Credible and pins him to advance to the finals at 3:38 aired.

ECW World tag team title: Simon & Swinger v. Mikey Whipwreck & Tajiri v. Jerry Lynn & Tommy Dreamer

Lynn trades chops with Tajiri to start and takes Simon down with a headscissors and we get some wacky three-way shtick, with Dreamer doing a triple headlock spot with Mikey and Swinger before clotheslining them both to the floor. At least he wore a neck brace to the ring for optics before ripping it off dramatically. Everyone brawls on the floor while Lynn works Simon over in the ring. Back in the ring, they continue doing a messy brawl and Dreamer DDTs Mikey for two. CW makes the save and the Problem Solver eliminates Dreamer & Lynn at 8:55. So then Tajiri & Mikey double-team Simon with kicks for two, but a double flatliner gets two on Mikey. They try a Doomsday Device on Tajiri, but he mists Simon on the top rope, and the Whippersnapper finishes Simon at 10:18 to give the Minister’s team the tag team titles. This was presented as a big deal, but they literally had the titles for ONE DAY and lost them to the FBI.

Anyway, this show has clearly given up and I think it’s time to throw in the towel.