The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 08.04.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 08.04.00

We’re immediately joined with Rhino putting Nova through a table and pinning him to retain the TV title.

Taped from Houston, TX

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “I was with this stripper named Alexis, she couldn’t believe how good my sex is, when we were in the back of my rented Lexus and I (redacted) right here in Houston Texas!” Gertner. Well he’s not getting his deposit back. Cyrus interrupts as usual and tonight he has a wrestling license and he’ll be facing Gertner tonight. But then this brings out Spike Dudley, who has reverted back to his dorky glasses look for some reason. Spike claims that Paul Heyman left him in charge as booker for the night, and subbing for Gertner tonight will be…the Sandman.

Back from the break, Sandman gets one shot on Cyrus with the cane and then everyone runs in and attacks him, and poor Spike gets piledriven through a table by Rhino for the millionth time. Rhino and Justin take turns beating on Sandman, but MOTHER TRUCKIN’ CHILLY WILLY makes the save, the new face of ECW! He won five Toughman contests, you know. And then Willy gets to beat up Cyrus because who else would deserve that honor? CHILLYWILLYMANIA IS RUNNING WILD!

Little Guido v. Mikey Whipwreck

Mikey slugs away in the corner and blocks a leapfrog with a kick to the groin and backbreaker for two. Tony Mamaluke gets involved and Guido hits him with a pescado by mistake, and then Mikey dives onto both guys and then goes after Big Sal for good measure. Sal tries to run him into the post, but Mikey escapes that and heads back in with a superplex on Guido for two. But then Mamaluke comes in for a double-team behind the ref’s back and that gets two. Guido takes over with the Sicilian Slice for two. Low dropkick gets two. Mikey with a DDT for two and he follows with a rana as Gertner sounds really try-hard on commentary this week and it’s not working. Mikey with the Whippersnapper but the ref is distracted again and Mamaluke puts Guido on top for two. Mikey with a backslide for two. And then Mamaluke hits Mikey with a chair behind the ref’s back again and Guido rolls him up for the pin at 6:00. Mikey continues to job way too much. They needed new stars at this point and could have pushed Mikey all the way to the top really easily. Good TV match despite all the interference. ***. Afterwards, Tajiri saves from an FBI beatdown, kicking off a pretty awesome tag team run for them.

Meanwhile, on Hardcore TV, Kid Kash faces RVD and takes him to the limit, much like Heyman’s credit cards were taken to the limit at this point.

Steve Corino v. Jerry Lynn v. Tajiri

Lynn and Tajiri get rid of Corino and do the stalemate sequence to start, and then Corino comes back in and gets kicked around by Tajiri. Tajiri with the Tarantula on Lynn, but Corino breaks that up and dropkicks Lynn for two. Corino and Tajiri brawl on the floor and Lynn dives onto both of them. Back in the ring, Tajiri eats the cradle piledriver and gets pinned at 3:38. And this is elimination as usual, so Corino slugs Lynn down, but misses the Dusty elbow and then counters a fameasser into a powerbomb for two. Lynn comes back with a backdrop suplex for two and a sideslam, but he goes up and Corino cuts him off, but Lynn gets a sunset flip powerbomb for two. Lynn with the inverted DDT for two. Rollup gets two and they trade near-falls off that. Corino powerslams him and goes up, but Lynn cuts him off with a draping DDT for two. Lou E. Dangerously takes the ref because he’s playing Cyrus here for whatever reason, and Corino uses the phone for two. Scotty Anton also shows up, hits Lynn behind the ref’s back, and Corino finishes with the Expulsion at 9:40. Another one that was a good match taken down several notches by endless interference and a fuck finish. **1/2

Tommy Dreamer v. Scotty Anton

So then we flow right into this classic matchup, with Tommy saving Lynn from a Network beatdown and then brawling with Anton into the crowd while Jazz beats up Jack Victory in the ring. So they wander back into the ring and Tommy tries a bulldog off the apron and onto a ladder, but as usual he ends up eating it instead. Tommy is busted open, and Anton hits him with a high knee in the ring to take over. Tommy puts the ladder in the corner and suplexes Anton off that for two. That was incredibly pointless. He just put the ladder onto the middle rope and got the exact same height as he would have on a normal superplex. Next up, they set up a ladder bridge on a pair of chairs, and Tommy gets suplexed onto that. This sets up the deadly CLAPTRAP, but Jazz comes in and smashes a chair onto Scotty’s head, which the referee somehow misses completely. And then Lynn comes in and piledrives Anton behind the ref’s back, as this dummy must literally be wearing horse blinders, and Dreamer drops a chair on Anton for the pin at 5:21. *.

And finally, Cyrus books Rhino and Justin Credible against Sandman and Chilly Willy in the first round of the tag team title tournament that starts next week, but Justin is like “Uh, I already threw down the tag titles because I don’t want them, WTF?” and we’re done for the week. I guess that was setting up Rhino v. Credible in some form but they certainly didn’t get there.

Another meandering show with absolutely no direction or hints towards the next PPV as we keep limping towards to the finish line.