The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 07.07.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 07.07.00

Taped from Chicago, IL

George joins us to start while Joey runs down the matches taped for Hardcore TV, but Francine immediately runs out and canes her. And Paul Heyman even runs down the card during the introduction, actually making an effort to draw viewers for once?

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “My bed has seen more positions than a Lazy Boy recliner, I’m wrestling’s original designer of the sexual one-liner, not designer like Gucci or designer like Versace, but I love to eat that coochie when it tastes like butter scotch-y” Gertner. “Butter Scotchy”?

This of course brings out Cyrus, threatening to kick Joel’s ass yet again, but Joel notes that the last guy who got with Cyrus “has a rash on his balls”. But before Joel can do anything, Spike Dudley (with a broken leg) hobbles out to do a promo and blames Cyrus for hiring Rhino to break his leg. So then this brings out Rhino for Cyrus to hide behind, and then we get the most random return ever, with Pitbull #1 returning to take out Rhino before setting up a table and getting speared through it. And then Rhino piledrives him through a table on the floor to really make Wolfe’s return look like a wet fart. And in fact Rhino pins him and retains the TV title because I guess that was a match. I have no idea what the point of Spike Dudley being out there even was. And I’m assuming bringing Gary Wolfe back after 3 years and then jobbing him with no offense is some kind of 4D chess political move from Heyman.

Jerry Lynn v. Tajiri

They fight on the floor to start and trade chops back in the ring as we take a break. Back with Lynn putting Tajiri in the Gory Special, but Tajrii reverses to a hammerlock on the mat while Cyrus joins us at ringside, pretending to be Lynn’s manager, and I’m already sick of him on this episode. Lynn with a german suplex for two. Lynn beats on Tajiri in the corner and the fans on the camera side are mostly distracted by a fight or something else going on, and Lynn gets a tornado DDT for two. Tajiri comes back with an inverted DDT for two. Lynn with a superplex, but Tajiri gets an inverted DDT for two. They trade chops and Lynn puts him on the floor with a back elbow and the crowd is completely distracted by Cyrus and paying no attention to the match. Back in the ring, Tajiri gets the Octopus and sprays Cyrus with the mist before putting him in the Tarantula, but then Steve Corino comes in and superkicks Lynn behind the ref’s back, and Tajiri gets the pin at 7:50. Just kind of a meandering match between them, which I guess proves now that Lynn is not with the Network? **3/4. Once again, too much Cyrus, too much interference.

Meanwhile, Justin Credible lusts after the ECW World title belt. Well I’m not here to kink shame.

Simon & Swinger v. Roadkill & Danny Doring v. Nova & Chris Chetti

Man, once again stripping “Simon Says” from the entrance just ruins whatever little presence that Simon Diamond had on these shows. So apparently the Dangerous Alliance breaks up during an inset promo from a stairwell in the back, after they set up a feud with Simon & Swinger last week. Big messy brawl to start and then CW Anderson comes out and fights everyone because I guess it’s time for a singles push for him. Nova with a swanton on Roadkill for two, but Simon pins Nova with the Simonizer at 2:40 to eliminate them. Doring & Roadkill with the Hart Attack on Simon for two and they double-team Swinger, but Doring goes up and Chetti pushes him off, allowing Swinger to get the pin at 4:10. Just a bunch of stuff happening. *. Like how is anyone supposed to get over when you’re cramming 18 guys and three different storylines into one 4 minute match?

ECW World title: Justin Credible v. The Sandman

Dawn Marie is the special referee, who apparently has to work the match in heels. But then Justin canes her before the match anyway, which ends her appearance on the show after literal weeks of them hyping the big return of Dawn Marie incessantly. Oh also, after Joey specifically said “We have taken our last commercial break” during Justin’s entrance, they take a commercial break during Sandman’s entrance. We return with them fighting in the aisle, as Sandman slams Justin onto a pallet and then throws it into the ring and whips Justin into it. Man they should try that with a CHEP pallet, you ain’t gonna break one of those fuckers. Bulldog on the balsa wood pallet gets two. Justin bumps onto the floor and Sandman whips him into the pallet again, but Justin reverses him into it and Sandman does the Curly “whoop whoop whoop” sell as the referee gets bumped. But then Sandman gets the top rope rana, which brings out Dusty Rhodes to count the pin, but Francine breaks that up anyway. And then it’s another million run-ins, with Corino and Victory attacking Dusty yet again and getting chased off. And then it’s a catfight between George and Francine, but then Rob Van Dam’s former best friend Scotty Anton comes out and attacks Sandman this time. And then Raven randomly runs out and attacks him, but Justin attacks Raven and chases him off. Justin goes low on Sandman, but then he gets thrown through a table and the referee is still out. And so finally we get Rhino running in and spearing Sandman, and That’s Incredible finishes at 6:50. And of course we also need a Tommy Dreamer run-in, so he comes in afterwards and piledrives Justin onto barbed wire to end the show. I THINK there was maybe an actual “match” buried in all the gaga somewhere but I can’t bothered to rate it.

My favorite quote of the week from the Observer here was Dave noting that even without editing this show had an impressive “raunch factor”, which I can’t deny. Next week they’re apparently back in the ECW Arena for the taping and it’s supposed to be a hot show for the farewell to Raven, which will be a nice change of pace.