The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 06.30.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 06.30.00

Taped from Milwaukee, WI, in what appears to be a dimly lit cave. It’s apparently the RAVE, which could mean the return of RAVEN? Tune into the Friday Night Thrillzone to find out!

Your hosts are Joey Styles and Joel “She’ll think she’s constipated when she’s being penetrated” Gertner.

Jerry Lynn immediately interrupts in his new referee role, even doing Cyrus’s “Excuse me, excuse me” tag before sending the announcers off.

Little Guido v. Tajiri

Although he claims to be neutral, Jerry calls Tajiri an asshole who blinded him last week, and then hits the assigned referee in the nuts and gives him a piledriver so he can take over officiating. Eh, it’s just a referee, that still makes JL chaotic neutral to me. They exchange kicks and Tajiri works the arm, and then dodges a charge and takes Guido down with an armbar, forcing Guido to make the ropes. They head to the floor and Tajiri crotches him on the railing and hits him with a chairshot to the face. Back in the ring, Guido is busted open and Tajiri runs him into the chair again and then kicks him down as we take a break. Back with Tajiri continuing to batter him with more kicks and then a german suplex gets two. But then Tajiri accidentally kicks Lynn in the nuts and puts Guido in the Octopus, which allows Sal to run in and powerslam Tajiri, putting Guido on top for the pin at 6:00. Usual match between these two. **1/2

Meanwhile, RVD has decided now is the time to take his TV title back.

Meanwhile, the Sinister Minister warns Mikey about the dangers of picking the wrong hooker. “They’re all special for 2 minutes and then $500 later they forget about you again!” But then we discover that Mikey is talking about FORMER RANDY SAVAGE VALET GORGEOUS GEORGE in an earth-shattering defection to ECW that almost certainly will turn the tide for Heyman’s crew. Sadly I couldn’t tell if they were being serious with this or not, but they gave it 5 minutes of TV time and then a replay of George standing there dancing, so I have to assume they actually thought people would remember her from WCW and care.

Francine v. Jazz

Francine threatens not to wrestle (oh, no, please, anything but that) and Justin Credible immediately runs in and lays out Jazz, but Tommy Dreamer saves as we learn that Justin will defend against Tommy in a barbed wire ladder match at the PPV.

Jazz & Tommy Dreamer v. Francine & Justin Credible

So this is an impromptu mixed match, as Jazz hits Credible with an enzuigiri to send him to the floor, where Tommy brawls with him into the crowd. Tommy runs him into the railing and slugs away out there, but he goes after Francine in the ring and gets superkicked by Justin as a result. Justin with a powerbomb for two. Meanwhile, Joey insinuates that Francine was more than just Tommy’s manager for a few months, so I guess he was canonically cheating on Beulah? Not sure why they’d even bring that up. Tommy gets a crotch claw on Francine in what we could call the Trumpenator these days and it’s back to Justin, as Tommy brings a table in and then immediately gets rammed into it. Francine comes in and kicks Tommy in the nuts, but goes up and Jazz crotches Francine for a goofy double Tree of Woe spot. Justin escapes that, but Jazz hits Justin in the balls and Tommy finishes with the dreaded Tommy-Hawk at 6:00. If I assigned one star for every time someone got hit in the crotch this would be a modern classic. * And then Justin grabs some barbed wire, like you expect to find laying around, and piledrives Tommy onto it to bust him open.

ECW World TV title: Rhino v. Rob Van Dam

Kind of a funny note as the canonical reason for Super Crazy’s departure is now that he was deported. I mean, there was truth to it, but what a weird flex on someone who was one of your top babyfaces. Rhino attacks before the bell and they slug it out in the corner, before Rob goes up and disappears into the darkness before coming down with a dropkick. Who the fuck was in charge of lighting this episode for TV? Rhino with a press slam and he boots Rob down, but Rob gets a rana. Rhino spears him out of the corner for two. Rhino with a suplex for two and he goes to a chinlock. Rhino with a spinebuster for two and he chokes away on the ropes before hitting a flying headbutt for two. Back to the chinlock and a belly to belly gets two. Rob comes back with the spinkick for the double down. Rob with kicks in the corner and he kicks the chair into Rhino’s head for two. Rolling Thunder gets two. Rob escapes a powerbomb and puts him down with the Van Daminator, but then Scotty Anton, Rob Van Dam’s former best friend, runs in for the DQ at 7:47. Really? That was the best finish they could come up with? Match was fine but the finish was terrible and was just to set up the RVD-Anton match that literally no one cared about. **1/2. And then as usual, the Network does the 18-on-1 beatdown on RVD as Joey talks about how Cyrus “masterminded” a plan. Yeah, a whole bunch of guys come in and beat him up, what a plan. But then they all leave of their own accord, leaving Justin alone in the ring, and Sandman meanders down to the ring to confront him and set up next week’s main event in what will no doubt be another classic.

And we close with Sandman laying out Justin with the cane and posing with the belt to end the show.

We’ve been waiting forever for RVD to get the rematch for the title and they just throw it on this show out of nowhere with no promotion and then book a DQ finish? That’s on brand for ECW in 2000. The Jerry Lynn is at least mildly intriguing but everything with this Justin Credible storyline drags the show down SO MUCH.