The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 06.23.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 06.23.00

Meanwhile, Rob Van Dam announces that Heat Wave will come from Los Angeles for the first time, where they’re apparently starved for ECW action.

Meanwhile, New Jack jumps off a balcony on Hardcore TV. He’s also excited to be wrestling in Los Angeles because he’s a survivor. Well not anymore. Anyway, apparently they’re gonna be talking about the show for years to come and it’s gonna be worse than an earthquake when he wrestles. That is accurate, he is much worse than John Tenta ever was.

Taped from Danbury, CT, in what looks like a goddamn high school gym again.

Your host is Joey Styles.

Cyrus joins us right away and declares that there will be no wrestling tonight, but if we’re really lucky, we might have ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLERJAM or Rock’n Bowl! But it seems that ECW’s contract says that every ECW show on TNN must have two announcers, and Gertner is in the hospital, so Joey has no one to work with. So Cyrus tells him to take his suspenders and go back to Stamford, but then Joel Gertner runs out, miraculously recovered from his beating last week, and chases Cyrus off. Cyrus bumps into Francine in the aisle (“Now those are ratings grabbers!”) and tells her to go kick Gertner’s ass in exchange for his help with Justin Credible last week. So then we get to listen to Francine talking for a while, as she rags on Joey for threatening to hit a “network executive” and makes fun of him for going to church every Sunday, except for PPVs because God apparently forgives him. So this brings out Tommy Dreamer and Francine reveals that Justin isn’t here, and tries to get Tommy to talk for the first time since losing the title. But then Jazz interrupts and takes out Francine. Well that was certainly 15 minutes of TV.

Chilly Willy v. Tony Mamaluke

Willy finishes him quickly with the Michinoku Driver at 1:13. This brings out Little Guido and Balls Mahoney for a brawl, as the FBI triple-teams Mahoney and Sal hits him with a diving headbutt of sorts, and then Mikey saves with a flaming chair. Speaking of Guido, have you seen those photos of him from GCW? Man I hope I look that good when I turn 30.

Meanwhile, Simon Diamond and his circus of idiots hang out in the locker room doing “comedy”, but they make the mistake of calling the Dangerous Alliance “freaks” and CW Anderson gets all offended.

Meanwhile, Scotty Anton uses the power of the Clap to turn on the lights, and Cyrus is excited to come to Los Angeles because everyone there already has the Clap. Scott complains that when he came to ECW, his character was “Rob Van Dam’s best friend” and it sucked. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Actually maybe that one was. I dunno, this show sucks.

Steve Corino v. Tajiri

But first, Cyrus comes out and bullies the referee, telling him to only count two for Tajiri and “ring the fucking bell” when instructed by Cyrus. The ref won’t go along with that, so Cyrus punks him out and brings out his own guest referee, Jerry Lynn. “How did he know to wear a referee’s shirt?” wonders Joey. They fight for the lockup and Corino immediately complains about pulling the tights. Meanwhile, they do an inset joke where the match cuts away to color bars and Gertner calls it TNN’s newest Friday Night Thrillzone show. God they are just so petty and childish. Tajiri gets a head kick for two and a spinkick. Corino bails to the apron and Tajiri sends him to the floor with a handspring before busting him open with a chairshot. Because of course he does. Back in the ring, Tajiri drops a knee on the bloody head of Corino and hangs him in the Tree of Woe for more abuse. Tajiri sets up a table in the corner, but Corino gets a desperation suplex to put Tajiri through that, which gets two. Tajiri tries a handspring and Corino counters him with a chairshot to the back, and then drops a Dusty elbow for two. Fisherman’s Suplex gets two. Tajiri tries to fight back, but accidentally mists Jerry Lynn before putting Corino in the Octopus. But even though Corino is screaming “I Quit” and Victory throws in the towel, Lynn misses the whole thing due to blindness. So Cyrus runs in and takes out Tajiri, then cleans off Lynn’s eyes and allows him to count the pin for Corino at 12:00. Usual strong match between them, but the constant Network interference dragged it down and it wasn’t enough to save this stinker of an episode. ***1/4

Next week: Rhyno finally defends the TV title against RVD! I’m sure we can smell the screwjob coming a mile away there.