The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 06.02.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 06.02.00

Taped from Toledo, OH, in a REALLY dark arena.

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “I don’t have a line tonight” Gertner.

Joey is shocked and tells him to make something up, so Joel freestyles some poetry about screwing the girls in Toledo instead. Oh and Raven is revealed to have been sitting in the corner the whole time, so Joey heads over to interview him there, where Raven claims Justin stole Francine and Raven’s look and Raven’s title. And then he recites “Rockin In the Free World”, which BY THE WAY would make a kickass entrance theme for someone if Neil Young would ever license it. Which I doubt. So this brings out Justin and Raven calls him mean names and attacks him, and then goes after Francine before Justin goes low on Raven and hits him with That’s Incredible. This prompts a brawl with Tommy Dreamer, who makes the save. But then Scotty Anton attacks Raven and gives him the Clap, apparently in retaliation for what happened between them in WCW. HC Loc, the babyface referee, tries to make the save and stands up to the Network, but Anton beats him down and puts him in the Sharpshooter as we hit the intro.

Meanwhile, Little Guido is working out in the back, but Tony Marinara wanders in from WCW and Guido doesn’t want any part of him.

Vic Grimes v. Kid Kash

Kash takes Grimes down with a headscissors and then a springboard rana, but he tries another springboard and slips on the ropes, landing on his head,and Grimes hits him with a Blackout slam. Kash comes back with a double stomp off Grimes’ neck for two in another bad spot, but Grimes slams him again to cut him off. Grimes misses a blind charge and bumps to the floor, allowing Kash to dive onto him. Back in, Kash with a crossbody, but Grimes catches him with a cutter on the way down and THAT looked like shit as well. Joey talks about how Grimes has faced accusations of just being a fat guy who imitates New Jack by falling off high places. To be fair, Grimes beat New Jack to dying by two decades. Grimes misses another charge and Kash takes him down with a rana, but he tries another one and Grimes flapjacks him. Grimes goes up and misses a senton, and Kash rolls him up for the pin at 4:30. This was really sloppy and bad. ½*

Meanwhile, Swinger is busy oiling himself up and posing for his biggest fan, which is an actual fan. Simon Diamond is disgusted by this treatment, getting moved from one comedy act to another. “Comedy” is a bit of a stretch in this case.

Tony Mamaluke v. Mikey Whipwreck

They immediately rename Tony before the match to prevent any legal issues from WCW, and Mikey quickly hits him with the guillotine legdrop on the apron. Back in the ring, Mamaluke gets a DDT for two, and Guido hits the Sicilian slice behind the ref’s back for two. But then Mamaluke dives and misses, landing in the front row in a terrifying bump where he smashed his head into the railing on the way down, and Mikey finishes with the move that later became Will Ospreay’s Storm Zero at 2:43. And then Big Sal hits the ring, still blinded by Mikey’s fire last week, and he accidentally splats Mamaluke as well. Apparently Mamaluke didn’t wrestle in WCW because he already had something like 20 concussions before even making it there and they wouldn’t clear him. But of course ECW had no such issues clearing him.

Meanwhile, The Sinister Minister lights Mikey’s pants on fire in a hilarious prank.

Meanwhile, Paul Heyman shoots on TNN, as if we couldn’t tell his thoughts about them before, and he bitches and moans about not being advertised by them and getting thrown off the channel for the WWF and his $100 million payoff. And then Joel does his own rant about TNN execs committing bestiality, and Paul pops in again and demands to be thrown off the network. Good lord. According to the Observer, the show was edited by TNN at the time with all the audio bleeped out and a disclaimer on the screen saying that “These gentlemen have gone through too many tables” and playing it off as a good-natured joke. Apparently WWE had no problem airing the full version, though. Also, YOU SIGNED THE DEAL, Paul. No one forced you. When your company is on the verge of folding and only the one-sided TNN deal can save it, then you don’t really have much leverage, do you?

ECW TV title: Rhino v. The Sandman

As usual, Sandman’s entrance takes forever and eats up TV time when they could have just gone to a break and edited it down to a reasonable amount. Dusty Rhodes joins us at ringside and ties himself to Steve Corino to even the odds while Sandman beats on Rhino and retrieves a table right away. Piledriver on the table, but Corino runs in and everyone beats Sandman down, until Tajiri makes the save. But then Scotty attacks and the Network beatdown continues and RVD makes the final save and cleans house to end the show. Was there…was there a match in here somewhere? Just checking. Also, Joey once again calls the heel side “representatives of TNN”, which is ironic because they’re the dominant heel faction that never shows ass and is clearly the top tier guys, when you’d think the strategy would be to have clowns like Simon and Swinger representing the Network instead if you want portray them in a bad light.

Anyway, after a couple of good matches last week, this week it’s back to the messy matches in the ring and Heyman whining like a toddler about how unfair his life is and using the announcers as his avatars in his vendetta against the Network that keeps the lights on for him. Honestly if you didn’t know this show existed at the time, you’d think someone was making it up to rib you.