The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 05.12.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 05.12.00

The Sinister Minister is busy doing a promo with Mikey, but the director calls “cut” and they freak out because he’s “worse than Jackie Crockett” and Mikey throws a fireball at him. “You’re fired!” Well that’s a unique open. Mikey Whipwreck is seriously the saving grace of these awful shows.

Taped from Minneapolis, MN

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “In Mankato and Edina I get all the vagina, and there’s none left in St. Paul cuz I already banged them all, but I didn’t want to leave the Twin Cities without squeezing some new titties, so I met this hot little piece named Erica and did her in the parking lot at the Mall of America” Gertner. Also as an aside to Joey, The Dukes of Hazzard is still awesome and absolutely them Duke boys are still a hoot.

Tommy Dreamer joins us to start and Joey points out that he was only champion for 15 minutes and never go to wear the belt, and then wants to know what’s on his mind. Joey’s kind of a salt dickhead. But then Simon Diamond interrupts, denying that he’s a comedy act. So he pokes the bear and goads Tommy into a fight.

Tommy Dreamer v. Simon Diamond

So Tommy lays out Simon with the mic and chokes him out with his own robe before throwing him over the top for a brawl on the floor. And they brawl into the crowd as we take a break. Back with Simon in control in the ring with the help of Simon’s brother and sister duo of flunkies. Simon with a clothesline for two as the announcers hype Tommy’s rematch for the ECW title on the PPV two days later, which by the way is a match that didn’t happen. Tommy hangs Simon in the Tree of Woe and steps on his nuts before dropkicking a chair into his face, which brings Simon’s musketeer into the ring for a duel. Tommy gives him a death valley driver, but Simon DDTs Tommy on the chair for two. Man I was just thinking that we needed another heel stable of useless clowns on this show. And then Simon brawls with the referee, loses that battle, and Tommy DDTs him for the pin at 9:42. Nothing like overbooked hot garbage to kick off the show! DUD

Lance Storm v. Jerry Lynn

They immediately head to the floor with Lynn hitting a springboard clothesline, but Storm catches him with a jawbreaker in the ring for two. Lynn with a sunset flip for two, but Storm rolls him into a half crab, which would soon become his finisher in WCW after he gave notice before the PPV. OOPS SPOILER. Lynn escapes with an enzuigiri and gets another sunset flip for two and they go into a pinfall reversal sequence and then clothesline each other for the double down. Dawn Marie sends a chair in and Lynn steals it and gets a Van Daminator for two. So Storm goes low and they slug it out on the top rope, but Lynn brings him down with a tornado DDT on the chair for a visual pinfall with the ref distracted. But then Justin Credible runs in, accidentally hits Lynn with his cane, and Storm gets the pin at 6:00. Given that Storm needed a win badly and Lynn was getting a win at the PPV, this was the only result that made sense. Match was good but short. **1/2.

Afterwards, Cyrus hits the ring while Storm and Credible brawl into the ether. Apparently the Network didn’t want to come to Minnesota because Cyrus, being from Winnipeg, is an expert on the state and told them that it’s populated by idiots who elected Jesse Ventura to be governor. He’s got a solid argument there. But he does respect Jerry Lynn, who is right up there with GREG GAGNE as far as Minnesota legends go. But while it’s obvious that Brad Rheingans taught Jerry how to wrestle, he also taught him how to do an interview. BURN. Anyway, Jerry is the #1 wrestler, but Cyrus is the #1 talker, so they should team up in the name of the Network. But before Jerry can decide on the offer, Tajiri interrupts. Cyrus: “What are you doing, you stupid Jap?” But then Lynn lays out Tajiri and then tells off Cyrus as this bizarre heel (?) turn continues. And then this segment is STILL GOING as Corino comes out to further attack Tajiri, but Tajiri revives and takes him out. So then Rhino saves and spears Tajiri and I guess we’ve got another match.

ECW TV title: Rhino v. Tajiri

Tajiri hits Rhino with kicks and slugs away in the corner, chasing Rhino to the floor and following with an Asai moonsault as we take a break. Back with Rhino trying a powerbomb onto a table, but Tajiri escapes and mists him. So this brings the car full of circus clowns into the ring as Tajiri has to fight them off. And he walks into the spear from Rhino, who follows with a piledriver off the apron and through another table to finish at 3:18. Nothing to this one. ½*.

And then Sandman hits the ring to attack Rhino, but he gets jumped, and RVD makes the save as we go home to the PPV only knowing three matches, one of which didn’t actually happen.

Pretty wretched PPV hype show, to be honest. The promotion continues to flounder with no direction at the moment and the talent raids are only getting worse.