The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 05.05.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 05.05.00

Last week on TNN: A whole bunch of crazy crap happened.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “I picked this girl up here in Poughkeepsie, I liquored her up and got her nice and tipsy, brought her back here to Civic Center, where I bent her over, spread her legs and proceeded to enter” Gertner.

ECW World champion Justin Credible joins us to start, and Francine calls the fans a bunch of STUPID MARKS for thinking she would ever take a step back from the World title scene. And now she’s managing Justin Credible, who buries the tag team titles and calls Lance Storm a loser, abruptly ending that relationship with Storm heavily rumored to be joining Awesome in WCW at that point. So Lance interrupts and he’s feeling more betrayed than ECW workers who tried to cash Paul’s cheques at the Money Mart, and they get into a brawl, as do Francine and Dawn Marie. And then Raven attacks Credible, but Storm attacks him and lays him out with a DDT. And Jazz attacks Dawn, but Storm superkicks her and we transition to a match.

Kid Kash v. Lance Storm

Kash hits Storm with a dive while Tommy Dreamer has appeared and brawls with Credible into the crowd. I’m assuming all this was supposed to be leading to a four-way at the PPV with Credible defending against Dreamer, Raven and Storm, but that’s not where they ended up. Oh and the PPV is a week away, in case you’re having trouble keeping track, like me. Back in the ring, Storm hits Kash with a dropkick for two and slugs away in the corner. Kash fights back, but Storm powerslams him for two. Kash with a crossbody for two, but he tries a rana and Storm powerbombs him for two. Oh and Joey casually writes off the Storm injury angle from last week as “just a stinger” and we move on and never speak of it again. Kash goes up and Storm crotches him, but can’t hit the superplex, and Kash comes down with a rana. But then Dawn Marie and Jazz run in and get into a brawl, which allows Storm to piledrive Kash for the pin at 5:07. Just a match. **

Meanwhile, Elektra and the Dangerous Alliance stop by Mikey Whipwreck’s hotel room, where Lou E. Dangerously tries to seduce the Sinister Minister to his side, looking for some “wacky stuff” to help them out. So the Minister pulls some “rosary beads” out of his pocket and Elektra strips for him. This was…weird.

Rob Van Dam’s Best Friend Scotty Anton v. Jerry Lynn

Seriously, Joey literally calls him that three times before the match even starts. Lynn dumps him and hits a pescado before sending Anton into the railing. Fonzie allows Anton to bring a table into the ring, but Lynn rolls him up for two. Anton puts him down with a back elbow for two, however. Joey stresses that this is an “angry, bitter and jealous” Jerry Lynn, which is news to me. We take a break and return with Rhino running in and spearing Anton through the table, and Lynn hits RVD’s Best Friend with a cradle piledriver for the pin at 5:25. This was pretty awful by Lynn’s standards. *. Afterwards, Cyrus and the Network come out and congratulate Lynn, but Jerry dives onto them while Rhino destroys RVD’s Best Friend Scotty Anton until RVD makes the save. But then he gets beaten down, and Tajiri makes the save and clears the ring with green mist while RVD’s Best Friend Scotty Anton brawls with Jerry Lynn outside. And then Corino tells Tajiri that he’s going to beat Tajiri’s “slanty eyed ass” because he has no one to save him. So Tajiri pulls a beer out of his pocket and we get the usual 10 minute entrance from the Sandman while the heels stand there transfixed and unable to leave the ring.

The Sandman & Tajiri v. Rhino & Steve Corino

Rhino beats on Tajiri to start, but Tajiri fires back with chops while Joey complains about the format sheet getting messed up by all these impromptu matches. Where’s Vince Russo to tear up the script when you need him? Corino comes in and beats on Sandman, but they fight onto the floor and Jack Victory interferes and trips up the Sandman. So Lori Fullington brings a piece of railing out of the dressing room, as spouses generally do, and everyone fights on the floor again. Back in, Sandman drops Corino on the railing, busting him open. Lori comes in and canes Corino and Rhino, but Tajiri mists Corino and Rhino misses a spear on Sandman and puts himself through a table. This leaves Corino alone, so the babyfaces retrieve a fresh table and Tajiri puts Corino through it with a double stomp for the pin at 7:35. Yeah.

And then Joel goes off on TNN until the show goes to a TNN logo on a test pattern. Meanwhile, in the real world, TNN generously offered to move ECW to Tuesdays as a solution for their continuing ratings woes, but Heyman refused because he was sure they were getting kicked off the network in September anyway. Well, he wasn’t wrong. Considering they were putting on shows like these, TNN was justified in kicking them off anyway.