The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 04.28.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 04.28.00

It’s time for CYBERSLAM 2000, the most futuristic sounding wrestling show of all time.

Taped from the Bingo Hall

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “All the ladies in the house just want me to click their mouse / Because when I’m on the internet, I make their panties wet / And as they sit at their computer and they sit on my sex shooter / They can surf through cyberspace and I’ll upload right on their face” Gertner. Well that’s quite the nickname. Who said chivalry was dead?

Tajiri joins us with the Network, in order to turn over the TV title to Rhino as promised. Cyrus points out that Tajiri “no speak very good English” so he’ll have to translate. “Ichiban!” But then Tajiri pretends not to understand the previous agreed upon deal and wants to hang onto the belt some more. So Cyrus calls him a “slanty eyed little bastard” who will “driving a bicycle and delivering chop suey” if he doesn’t play ball. He even provided a “little sucky sucky in the limo” to sweeten the deal. But then he asks one time too many and Tajiri tells him to fuck off and we’re on.

ECW World TV title: Tajiri v. Rhino

Tajiri pounds him with chops in the corner and hangs him in the Tree of Woe for some nutcrackers, and adds the sliding dropkick. Rhino hits him with a spinebuster for two, but Tajiri manages to send him to the floor and we take a break. Back with Tajiri hitting the handspring elbow and buzzsaw kicks, and he retrieves a table and then hooks Rhino in the Octopus. Corino and Victory run in to break it, but Tajiri mists them. So Rhino hits him with the Gore and piledrives him for two. And then he piledrives him again and pins him this time to win the TV title in an anticlimactic finish at 4:20. So then this brings out Rob Van Dam and his bestest buddy Scotty Anton for the brawl with Rhino, as RVD cleans house and then dives off the ringpost onto Corino and Rhino in a crazy stupid spot for someone with a broken leg, and they barely even caught him on the dive. And then Cyrus announces that RVD will not be getting the shot at Rhino at the upcoming PPV since Sandman is getting the shot, but instead Rob will be facing the returning Jerry Lynn. That’s a weirdly random. Didn’t Paul already learn his lesson about stretching things out too long? What am I saying, of course he didn’t.

But at least we know that RVD can always depend on his best friend and constant companion Scotty Anton.

Meanwhile, The Sinister Minister addresses rumors about WCW wanting to sign himself and Mikey again, but he would rather die than go back there, and puts himself into a coffin to prove his point after telling “karate boy” to come find him if he wants a fight. He clarifies that it’s Eric Bischoff in case you had any doubt.

Meanwhile, The Minister is back and consults a Ouija board, which he then sets on fire before Mikey dives onto the table from off-screen. They were such a fun act.

Earlier in the show: Dusty Rhodes and Steve Corino bleed like Jon Moxley! But before Dusty can finish the story, Jack Victory hits him from behind with a cowbell and Corino gets the pin. And then Sandman hits the ring along with Lori Fullington, but Rhino puts them both through tables. Also Justin Credible makes a nuisance of himself and allows Dawn Marie to beat Jazz in a mixed tag match. Also Lance Storm might be hurt but whatevs.

Earlier in the show again: Tommy Dreamer finally wins the ECW title, beating WWF superstar Tazz (or as he calls himself, the Human Wrecking Machine, TM Titan Sports Inc All Rights Reserved). They had actually repeatedly spoiled this result earlier in the show in an attempt to draw ratings, by the way. And Tommy does a tearful promo, saying that he might never make Wrestlemania but he made it in ECW! Yo Adrian, he did it! This brings out Raven, who finally buries the hatchet and puts Tommy over on his way out of the promotion, but then Justin Credible hits the ring and attacks both guys before piledriving Raven. And he does a grunting HHH promo about how he doesn’t want the tag title anymore and he’s challenging Tommy to a World title match right now.

ECW World title: Tommy Dreamer v. Justin Credible

They brawl to the floor and Tommy tosses him into the crowd for a brawl out there. Tommy brings him back to the ring and hits him in the nuts with the ringbell, but Justin DDTs him onto a chair and stomps him down in the corner. Justin swipes Raven’s DROP TOEHOLD OF DOOM on the chair, and that gets two. Swinging DDT gets two. Tommy comes back with some kind of stunner out of a powerslam position. They head to the apron and Tommy gives him a death valley driver through the ringside table, but Justin hits That’s Incredible and that gets two. But then Francine tries to interfere for Tommy and I’m feeling like I missed a babyface turn for her, but then Francine turns on Tommy anyway and kicks him in the nuts, allowing Justin to hit another That’s Incredible and win the title at 6:50, kicking off our national nightmare. This all came off so desperate to be shocking and buzzworthy on Heyman’s part but everyone knew literally since 1997 that he wanted Justin Credible to be the guy with the title so it was more groan-inducing than anything.

This show basically had nothing as far as wrestling, more like a bunch of extended in-ring angles to finally crown Paul’s golden children as champions with smoke and mirrors. Right after Joey made a big show about how the titles in ECW aren’t props or gimmicks! Justin literally threw the tag titles on the mat and spit on them because they were worthless!

Anyway I continue to hate this show and all the people on it but Mike Fitzgerald keeps saying it gets good again at some point before the entire promotion dies so I’m still slogging through it I guess until the bitter end. You’re welcome.