The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 04.21.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 04.21.00

God I hate this show so much but it does really great engagement.

The Sinister Minister joins us in the cold open, talking about people who reside in the ninth circle of hell, reserved for traitors and sellouts, like for instance a certain former ECW World champion. But he promises that Cyberslam is going to be “what sexual homicide is to a good night kiss” and then cackles into the show opening.

Taped from St. Charles, MO

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “I was hanging out in the back with a blond 18 year old named Tina, and I showed her the family jewels here at the Family Arena” Gertner, with Mikey Whipwreck burning playing cards at a ringside table.

The Impact Players interrupt the introduction, and Joey accuses them of only keeping the titles due to Dawn Marie’s interference, which of course offends Dawn. Also she’s not afraid of any woman in ECW or any other company, and that brings out Raven and Francine for whatever reason. So I guess that’s a match.

Raven v. Justin Credible

Raven absorbs a beating and whips Justin into the corner, but Mikey joins in for fun.

Unscheduled World Tag Team title: The Impact Players v. Raven & Mikey Whipwreck

Mikey gets a tag to save Raven and hiptosses everyone and we immediately take a break at the opening bell. Back with Justin powerbombing Mikey onto a chair for two. Storm comes in with a dropkick for two. Justin slugs away and runs Mikey into a chair for two. Mikey gets the hot tag to Raven, and he runs wild with knees and a bulldog for two. Mikey takes Lance out with a Cactus clothesline and Raven hits Justin with the DROP TOEHOLD OF DOOM for two, but Dawn Marie runs in and makes the save. So this of course prompts a catfight with Francine as we’re doing all the greatest hits, but Justin canes Francine. Mikey with the stunner on Justin, but Storm makes the save at two. And That’s Incredible finishes at 4:10. Just the usual series of spots as Raven does the farewell jobbing tour on his way to the WWF. **

Cyrus interrupts a CW Anderson promo in the ring and tells Elektra to go hit the streets and make some money with her boobs. So Lou E. Dangerously calls off his people and defers to Cyrus, and presumably Elektra went to go walk the streets as a result. So Cyrus announces that he’s reviewed the contracts of each and every ECW wrestler, and he’s actually found one who isn’t under contract. And that person is “Rob Van Dam’s manservant Scotty Anton”. I think that was the first time Anton was actually named on the show. So Scotty comes out and acts all tough, which was such a weird flex to think that ECW mutants would accept SCOTTY RIGGS as a badass. But then Rhino hits the ring and we have a match.

Scotty Anton v. Rhino

Rhino slugs away, but Scotty dropkicks him and slugs away, until Rhino powerbombs him for two. Anton makes a comeback and goes up with a crossbody for two while Corino and Victory put a table in the ring, and Rhino puts both Anton and the ref through the table for a DQ at 2:45. At least I assume it was a DQ, the bell rang and the match stopped. *1/2. And then Rob Van Dam hits the ring to make the save and they get into a pull apart brawl as we go to break.

Bullrope match: Tommy Dreamer v. Steve Corino

Corino hits him right in the eye with a cowbell to start. Hey! His doctor told him not to get cowbell in his eye! So Tommy is busted open but he fights back and uses the cowbell on Corino. They fight on the floor as Joey continues trying to get “the extreme official” thing over for referee HC Loc. Who gives a fuck about the referee? What was the point of that supposed to be? So Corino is bleeding and Tommy hangs him in the Tree of Woe and steps on his nuts, but Jack Victory makes the save and beats on Tommy. So then Sandman wanders out with a ladder to even things up and the heels stand there like slack-jawed yokels while he does his entrance and stands on top of the ladder. The babyfaces double-team Corino and Dreamer suplexes him off the ladder, and then they put Corino on the ladder and do the most god-awful botched version of a Rolling Thunder I’ve ever seen. Even the crowd was unsure about that one. Next up, Tajiri hits the ring and the heels take over again and I presume the match is still happening? This brings out New Jack and they all wander off doing the usual garbage brawling. This is the very definition of a match that has lost the plot. So Sandman tries to legdrop Corino onto the ladder and misses in ridiculous fashion, and Tajiri puts Tommy through a table with a double stomp. So then we get a wacky spot where Tajiri tries the green mist but gets hit in the throat, so he’s choking on the mist and Victory has to give him the Heimlich maneuver to save him. But then Tajiri blows the mist into Corino’s face as a result, and New Jack pins Tajiri at 15:00 to end this gigantic mess.

And then Rhino and Dusty Rhodes hit the ring to add MORE people to the brawl before the babyfaces clear the ring and celebrate to end the show.

This show was so weird. They didn’t even mention Tazz as ECW champion outside of a brief mention that he would be defending against Tommy Dreamer in the main event of Cyberslam. Which, by the way, was pushed incredibly hard for the entire show despite not being a thing that anyone outside of Philly was going to be able to see until much later. Also the whole point of the show was Joey putting over how ECW guys were feuding with and beating TNN, THE NETWORK THAT WAS KEEPING THE COMPANY ALIVE.

On the bright side, this show was far better than what was happening on WCW Thunder that week at least, so you have to give it that much. Never say I’m not fair.