The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 04.14.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 04.14.00

Taped from Buffalo NY.

Granted I’m watching this one a relatively small screen on my laptop, but is the arena really the “Buttfuckinger Center”? That seems a bit rude.

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “Some girls like it hard and fast, some like it nice and slow, but tonight they’re gonna like it however they get it, because I’ve got a whim for some trim in Buffalo” Gertner. Also Joey notes that TNN is the only network that offers hog-pulling contests at their company picnics.

BREAKING URGENT NEWS, RED SIREN EMOJI RED SIREN EMOJI:

TAZZ has shocked the entire wrestling world by doing something in Indianapolis that’s pretty shocking, but we’re not gonna tell you what it was until LATER because it’s too shocking. Are you shocked yet? You should be. That’s why I put those red siren emojis up top.

So then we join Rhino spearing Kid Kash and pinning him.

Meanwhile, Jazz is stomping around backstage and goes to the Sinister Minister to get some help. “We should go get some beers and then I’m in the mood for some SEX!” And for some reason Jazz gets offended and storms off. Mikey thinks she’s being kind of a wench, and Mitchell quips “Well I guess she doesn’t like to drink beer, Mikey.” OK I laughed, I can’t take that one away from them.

SUPER DUPER BREAKING NEWS WITH EVEN MORE RED SIREN EMOJIS:

TAZZ did something really shocking in case you forgot from before. Tune in later to find out what it was!

ECW World tag team titles: The Impact Players v. Nova & Chris Chetti

Chetti’s gear is getting pretty lazy and now he’s looking like 2023 Matt Hardy. Chetti and Justin trade reversals and Chetti gets a rollup for two. Over to Nova and he trades more reversals with Lance Storm for another stalemate. They brawl to the floor while Joel makes some really creepy comments about Dawn Marie, and the Players go to work on Nova, who was actually quite far ahead of the curve with his comic book cosplay and Green Lantern costume. He’s probably bummed that they never actually made a Green Lantern movie at any point during the whole comic book movie craze.

Nope.

Never made one.

Justin with a swinging DDT and Storm comes in for some Canadian smack talk, which I can only imagine is something like “Your mother eats Hawkins Cheezies, eh!” before calling for a table and then getting run into it himself. Did the match really need a table? What’s the point? Chetti gets the hot tag and hits the Amityville Horror for two as the fake crowd heat is really really noticeable here. Storm superkicks Chetti for two, but Nova gets a DDT off the table on Storm for two. Justin with a cane to Nova’s head for two, but then Chetti puts Justin through the table and then Dawn Marie brawls with Jazz and Storm piledrives Jazz and Justin hits Chetti with the belt for the pin at 9:29. An OK match that was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overbooked. **1/4. And of course there was no payoff to the Impact Players storyline.

Meanwhile, in Indianapolis, Tazz shows up unannounced to challenge Mike Awesome for the ECW World title after Awesome previously sold out to WCW and showed up on Nitro. I hear their cheques even clear! Disgusting.

ECW World title: Mike Awesome v. Tazz

They immediately brawl to the floor and Tazz runs him into the post and back in for a ref bump already, which allows Tommy Dreamer to run in and DDT Awesome, setting up the Tazzmission to finish at 0:57 and making an active WWF wrestler into the ECW World champion in one of those deals you couldn’t make up if you tried. I still don’t understand they didn’t just put the title on Tommy Dreamer. Also this was one of the first instances of a show being hyped up on the internet due to controversy and then turning out to mean absolutely nothing to the ratings because internet controversy doesn’t actually mean shit in the real world.

ECW World title: Super Crazy v. Little Guido v. Tajiri

Both heels have been promised the title by Cyrus, and Crazy fights them both off with a springboard clothesline. Guido immediately turns on Tajiri and hits the Sicilian Slice for two. Tajiri takes Crazy down with a drop toehold and Crazy takes a sliding facefirst bump to the floor, but Big Sal takes out Tajiri. Back in the ring, Crazy beats on Big Sal with a chair, but Tajiri kicks the chair in Crazy’s face. They brawl on the floor again and Crazy is busted open. So then Guido gigs as well, because why not, and Tajiri dropkicks the table into his head. So they brawl to the floor AGAIN and the FBI double-teams Tajiri while Joey clarifies that Italians like himself have hot tempers. That is totally new information. Tajiri piles up Crazy and Guido under a table and some chairs and comes off the the top with a double stomp to break the table, but Crazy moves and Tajiri pins Guido to eliminate him at 9:55. So that leaves Crazy and Tajiri and Tajiri beats on him with kicks and hits a german suplex for two. This brings out Corino and Victory while Crazy makes a comeback with a springboard moonsault for two. Tajiri with the green mist, but he blinds the ref instead and Crazy powerbombs Tajiri through the table for a visual pinfall. Next up, Rhino runs in with the Goar and beats on Crazy, before piledriving him through another table (not to be confused with the other tables in this match or the first match) and back in, Tajiri pins Crazy to win the TV title at 14:00. And then Cyrus hits the ring and does a crazed promo and announces that Tajiri will hand over the title to the Network at Cyberslam. Just the usual good match between these same three guys. ***1/2

After all that, Cyrus makes the mistake of calling himself drunk on power, and that prompts a slow walk-in from the Sandman. His entrance is so long that they literally take a commercial break while he makes his way to the ring and I’m not even making that up. Back from the break and Sandman is caning Rhino, but Cyrus provides distraction and the Network teams up to put him through yet another innocent table. So they get big heat on the Network, but then RVD comes out on Scotty Riggs’ shoulders to make the save and reveals that his leg is healed, and then he has a staredown with Rhino as the show goes off the air. Once again, your periodic reminder that much like everything else during this period, this didn’t actually pay off with anything, which kind of sucks all the life out of it in retrospect. Paul just kept pulling that metaphorical football away at the last second and kicking the can up the metaphorical road, until finally there was no more can and no more road because WCW signed them both. And the football for good measure. Also Rob was still another month away from coming back anyway.

But I mean, the Tazz thing is certainly an interesting direction. You can’t say it’s not.