The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 03.31.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 03.31.00

Rapidly running out of patience for this show to get any better again but I guess on the bright side there’s only a few months left anyway.

Taped from Kansas City, MO

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel Gertner.

They immediately bury TNN yet again, saying that ECW carries the Network and without them they’d have nothing. Haha not for long dorks. Cyrus interrupts yet again as we keep going round and round with this feud and puts over ROLLLLLLLLLLERJAM and declares himself the Ayatollah of Rockin’ Bowla, who isn’t going to let The Talent handle Network business because they can’t get the job done. And Cyrus can “hit those plankas and ka-bradas with the best of him.” So tonight he’s going to wrestle “Super Chico” for the TV title because Tajiri is useless. Tajiri gets all offended by this, but Cyrus threatens to revoke his work visa and have him deported to Big Japan so he can go back to doing jobs for Abdullah the Butcher again.

Meanwhile, Danny Doring and Roadkill declare that Elektra is a “used Kleenex in the peep show booth of life”, but Angel of Da Baldies accidentally walks into the shot and he’s looking for Tommy Dreamer again, which triggers a brawl and Da Baldies get the best of it.

Tajiri v. Little Guido

Finally a fresh matchup! I was being sarcastic. Tajiri gets some chops in the corner and they fight out to the ramp, where Tajiri puts him down with a kick and then appears to teabag him. Back in the ring, Tajiri sets up a table in the corner, but Guido escapes that and gets a chair from Big Sal. Tajiri with more kicks, but Guido gets a spinebuster for two. Low dropkick gets two. Tajiri with a handspring elbow and we take a break, returning with Tajiri blinding Guido with green mist and then suplexing him onto the table for two. That table did not even bend. And then Joey and Joel make fun of WCW for using pre-cut tables like SISSIES. Tajiri hangs him in the corner and kicks a chair into his face, but Guido gets a neckbreaker for two. Sicilian Slice gets two. They fight to the top and Tajiri brings him down with a brainbuster for the pin at 8:39. Yes this was certainly a Guido v. Tajiri match. **1/2. Man the arena looks GHETTO, like they’re shooting in a high school gym. Could they seriously not book anything better for TV than this dump?

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome promises that no one is going to take the ECW World title from him! Unless he suddenly leaves for WCW while still champion, but how likely is THAT?

Meanwhile, The Sinister Minister reads the tarot cards in the basement. And Mikey Whipwreck is kind of nuts. This certainly revived Mikey’s career, you have to give him that.

Danny Doring and Roadkill v. Da Baldies

Doring wants a KANSAS CITY STREET FIGHT tonight, but Angel points out that there’s only two on their side, so Doring brings out Tommy Dreamer as their third.

Danny Doing, Roadkill & Tommy Dreamer v. Da Baldies

Dreamer immediately gets hit in the nuts by Vic Grimes because of course he does, but then gets his own nutshot and uses a pizza cutter on him. Oh damn, hope Dominos isn’t watching! ECW can’t afford to lose any more sponsors. Angel, alleged king of the streets, lays out Doring, but then Roadkill comes off the top with a flying shoulderblock on DeVito. Bossman slam gets two. So a table gets involved and Roadkill misses a splash and goes through the table. Blah blah blah and more stupid bullshit and a railing gets put in the ring and the babyfaces all team up and pin Grimes at 7:55 of nonsense. DUD

ECW TV title: Super Crazy v. Cyrus

Cyrus points out that no one in wrestling actually pays attention to stipulations, much like no one gets a clean finish on Nitro, so instead the opponent is Rhino.

ECW TV title: Super Crazy v. Rhino

Rhino hits the ring and lays out Crazy right away, and oh gosh look it’s another match with a table. Crazy comes back with a springboard leg lariat and dives onto the Steve Corino parade of doofus jobbers outside, and back in for a DDT that gets two. Rhino charges and Crazy takes him down with a drop toehold right out of the Sean Ross Sapp playbook, but Rhino powerbombs him for two. Rhino with a chinlock, but Crazy fights out of it and goes to his own resthold as apparently there was a fight in the crowd that was distracting everyone and they had to wait it out. Rhino fights out and powerbombs Crazy through the table that’s been sitting in the corner for the entire match, but that only gets two. Crazy with a victory roll for two, but Rhino powerbombs him again for two. Another table gets set up in the ring in a weird position in the corner, which allows Crazy to reverse another powerbomb attempt into a sunset bomb through the table, for the pin at 8:29. This was just OK. **. And then the heels all beat Crazy down until Sandman makes the save. Or to be accurate, they beat him down until Sandman’s music plays, at which point they all stop doing anything and look into the crowd where Sandman is leisurely making his way to the ring before finally beating up the heels. But then Rhino rams Crazy into Sandman and puts them both through a THIRD table and the Network stands tall to end the show.

Man this period is so incredibly paint by numbers. We need something fresh and interesting to happen, like the World champion signing with WCW. I don’t even really get what the big deal about the Network trying win the secondary title is supposed to be. Anyway, despite all the tables and tables and tables in every match this was a pretty humdrum episode of nothing much happening.